Tuesday, June 13, 2006

How did I get here?

I want to show you something I have done, so you'll realize how easy it is to start a good walk, and find yourself walking through trash and rubbish.
I have spent the last several months struggling with myself. Struggling with the burden I feel I place on others, the troubles that seem to naturally rise to the surface when I come on the scene, and much more. This past week I was reaching a point where I could hardly stand it, or myself. Having tried to convince myself that some of the things I believed were lies of the devil, I still found myself looking at the fact that they weren't true as a lie as well. I'm getting closer correcting some of my steps hoping to find the right path again and here is what I have found out.

I've allowed someone to stand as a leader in my life, that should not be my leader. They should have influence and input in my life, but not lead me in my decisions.

I've allowed the lies I believe to hold me back from ministering to others.

I've held myself back from getting a greater grasp and taste of the awesomeness of God, by refusing to give up something He has directed me repeatedly to give up.

By believing lies and failing to minister to others I have missed out on a closer relationship with my church family.

I've been holding on to unforgiveness and bitterness concerning a man in my church.

And I am still currently holding on to guilt and shame concerning a man in my church.

My question is, how did I get here? I was walking in absolute joy and peace and comfort in my salvation and walk with God, fully intent on embracing my new church family only to find myself months later holding them back with both arms while I cower in shame and self-recrimination. And worst yet, all this happened while I looked at these horrible things and believed them to be horribly wrong, yet found myself guilty of each charge, and became oblivious to the consequences of believing them.
My thought life, as I know it, must change. If my beliefs don't come from the source of a loving Father, even if I believe them, I must not act on them.

I don't know about you, maybe you all have families and a full life, but I need my church family. I need people in my life that love me and pray for me. I need people. Yet my most natural inclination is to stay away from people.
I will change. But not because I've decided to and so I did. But because I understand that I came this far away from where I should be in my own power and wisdom so obviously, the solution isn't going to come from my genius (sarcasm intended).
So, whoever you are reading this, know that however happy you are, however peaceful and content, you can fall. You can fall flat on your nose and wonder how on earth you could have not seen that huge tree you fell over. Be careful, pray, read God's word, and pray. PRAY. Censor your mental conversations through the filter that is God's word and God's words to you.
Here I am, but there but by the grace of God will go you as well.

1 comment:

Friend that Cares said...

Watchman Nee said, "Let us therefore not be content with personal grace, but rather seek to gain corporate grace." (Assembling Together). Are you content with personal grace or are you also seeking the strength that comes from corporate grace?