Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Justified mediocrity

I sit here now wondering how many other lies I tell myself every day. I've spent approximately 10 days now living an almost entirely different life. I eat different, I feel different, I'm talking somewhat different, I'm thinking differently, I'm seeing differently, and I spend my free time differently.
I'm happy.
And it's not a surface happiness of 'I had a really enjoyable hamburger for lunch', or 'I saw a great movie'... nothing like that. It's deep down, quiet contentment. 11 days ago I would have sworn that I had this, but I can see now in hindsight that I had no clue what contentment was. There is patience with contentment, and a hopefulness the likes of which I've never seen. It is good.
Yet, looking back, I remember all the reasons I never did the things I'm doing now. Foolishly enough, I felt I deserved my "easy" superficial mediocrity. Of course, I wasn't calling it that, a blind man rarely declares red to be red, or orange to be orange. I work hard, and I told myself I didn't have time to cook, or clean, to spend working at my house, or often to take my niece and nephew somewhere that didn't involve a television or theatre screen. I didn't have time for that, so I deserved to pick up yet another fast food meal and sit in front of my television waiting until bedtime would arrive so that time could pass. Dear God! What a fool I've been.

I took my niece and nephew to the library last night, then looked up and old friend and her daughter and we all went to the park and watched the kids play. I did that after eating the leftovers from dinner the night before and meeting with a mother on a CASA case I'm working on. When I dropped the kids back off I ended up having a long conversation with my sis-in-law about virtually nothing, but it nurtures our relationship and was worth every minute of it. When I arrived home, there was a message from the old friend I had spent the evening with, thanking me for being a friend to her.
I am blessed beyond measure that God, in His infinite mercy, ever so abruptly, poured His grace over my heart and gave me power, strength, and desire, to be what He wanted me to be.
I've got a long long road ahead of me and some of the path I'm sure I don't even realize is ahead. I'm looking forward to telling you about it though. I'll explain why tomorrow.

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