My co-worker, or as she affectionately called me her "roommate" since we shared a 10x8 office together, once told me that I sang more the worse the day was. (Thankfully she liked music enough to not mind.)
I think that is simply because on the hard days, you spend more time reminding yourself to keep your attitude in check and to rejoice in the things that bring you joy which are so much greater than the things that temporarily frustrate you.
But it's here in the quiet hours... it's midnight right now... there is no one awake that I must smile to, there is no one around to have faith in front of, there is simply myself and God and we are spending the secret quiet hours alone tonight.
And the weight of the world sits on my shoulders it seems.
I sit here, wondering why He brought me so far, what am I doing and what are His plans. There are so many things that are so much bigger than I and I feel more alone than ever as I face them, and I found myself tonight trying to remind myself how big my God is. I wish I knew more scriptures along those lines.
These are the nights, where in this secret, quiet place I sit on the floor and tell God all about it. Whatever my "it" might be. Each time I sit in these moments, I pledge that I'll be content and trust Him where ever He leads me, and whatever He leads me into, whether He puts the kibosh on something or whether He insists on something that hurts like all get out.
"I'll love You whichever way it goes." I always say.*
But then, just before I dry my eyes and pick myself up off the floor I ask God for the strength to let that promise be true.
I find myself growing impatient for answers, reasons, for the emotion that tells me things are settled, and instead that twisted knot only sits there still, silent. This is my secret quiet place, where I find peace to get me through tomorrow. Where every day is received with joy only because of a hope in God and His ability.
I need to learn more scriptures that remind me of His ability. Because in this midnight hour, I need to hear it.
*Ironically enough I heard those words on a movie this week - the entire experience is a post in itself that I can't wait to write about. Hopefully you'll see it next week.