Thursday, June 11, 2009

My move.

It's about time I posted, but the annoying thing is that I need to write about the move first... it just seems natural and necessary. But so much has happened since the move that I want to write about that it's hard for me to mentally backtrack to the move.

I'm profoundly thankful that it's over. We're here. We're slowly getting settled.

The house is beautiful, one set of neighbors actually brought us oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and the husband - who looks like a very proficient salesman - winked at me when he shook my hand. Picture any of the neighbors on "The Truman Show" and you've got a good idea of our neighbors.

The city is... big. That part takes some getting used to. Everything in the world is seemingly within 3 miles of the place yet, it takes about 15 minutes to get to it still. Not all, but if you've ever lived in a big city you know what I mean.

The one and only exciting part of driving a 28 foot truck toting a car carrier with a minivan loading with stuff 330 miles was when we pulled into a gas station not meant for trucks and spent 20 minutes trying to back it out onto a 3 lane service road. My poor brother at the wheel, my poor sister-in-law trying to help him navigate, and me using my body to block 2 lanes of traffic. It was quite a moment.

One that, thankfully, is over.

As for being here - I feel confident, and patient. We have absolutely no money now (quite a bit went into the move) and yet we have small ways of procuring it that seemingly will tide us over.We're not hurting, our needs are supplied quite adequately, but for once our wants are having to sit back and sit in submission to our new frugality.

As I returned from a quick trip back to where I just moved from I struggled with the feeling that this new world isn't "my" world yet. And I find myself just waiting to see what's going to happen next. Again, it's odd how patient this is, though sometimes there's a bit of longing in there to have it already 'handled' and see how it's going to end but for the most part.

I sometimes just sit and wonder, what is God doing? What's just around the next bend?

I had some moments where I questioned - is this all really God? Mostly because the entire thing just seems so unreal sometimes. But on the way up here, I was quoting some of my favorite verses from James.

"If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering, for he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea, driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord."

(I might have gotten a few words off, but that's pretty much what the verses say starting just a few verses into chapter 1 of James.)

And I realized how much I ask for I ask wavering. I do things very waveringly most of the time. I go for something and talk with faith about it, but then in the back of my mind (and sometimes in my conversation) I include the disclaimer how it's not as nice, or it's flaws, or how I "won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen."

But I want to start being disappointed. I want to ask in faith with every ounce of me pushing for what it is I'm praying for. I don't want my words to waver, I don't want my heart to waver. I simply want to pray asking, believing, and hoping with all I am.

So, while I don't quite feel "at home" yet, I'm holding firmly to the confirmation I received before the move that told me to go. It's all I know to do. And I'm holding firm, I refuse to allow myself to waver. Because I need something great from God while I'm here. I need a great many things of the Lord while I'm here. So I choose to speak, and act, and believe in faith, nothing wavering.

And that's my move.

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