Sunday, May 02, 2010

Who you are.

I'm listening, obsessively so, to Kari Jobe sing "No Sweeter Name". I typically get online and put it on YouTube, then spend the rest of my browsing session hitting the "replay" button on the video. I'm one of those obnoxious people that can listen to a song on repeat for 3 weeks and not even notice steam coming out of your ears.

I talk to the sky. If I think the day is beautiful, regardless of who is with me I may just tell God "thank you" out loud for such a pretty day.

I'm strict. I tend to take things too seriously. Unless I don't take anything seriously because I'm in a snarky mood.

I have a position on everything. Including things where I specifically state I have no position on a subject. No position IS my position, and I'll firmly defend it.

I like ketchup. A lot. And I won't apologize for the quantity I put on my plate.

I'm quick to assume you're upset with me.
I constantly battle the inner desire to shrug out of caring about people by saying "Whatever, I don't need you anyway."

I ache sometimes for other people, so badly that tonight I'm close to tears for a co-worker that I just watched willingly be physically abused. But everyone else thinks it was "entertainment" and I feel like an idiot for being the one wanting to scream "STOP HURTING HIM!" When no one else is taking it seriously.

I'm usually the frustrating friend that's serious, when everyone else is laughing.

You might not care about any of that. But something has happened in the last 10 months of moving to San Antonio to leave me changing so much physically and emotionally and spiritually that it leaves me wondering who exactly I am in all of those areas. What am I really like? Are any of the changes things that I wouldn't approve of? Am I doing what I want to do or am I just blending in with the crowd?

Of all the things I'm learning, something that has been gripping me the last few weeks, is the constant reminder that I want to become a person that God is pleased with. I want God to find light and beauty in the dark recesses of my heart where something stale and dim once was. I want Him to find my soul vibrant. Ever changing, ever growing, ever evolving into something that steps out of comfort zones and challenges what I believe.

I'm going to make mistakes along the way, I've watched myself test some things and it's gotten me into some deep waters (I'm a stubbornly self-assigned designated driver for a co-worker who wants to drink something then go get her belly pierced) and I've found myself in more situations than I can count where I just swallow and wonder what on EARTH Jesus would do in this situation.

Change is a good thing. But it's been important for me as I've struggled through these changes that I know I'm not becoming more like the world and less like Christ. It's one of those things people laugh about, joke about, shrug off. But it's so important.

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, or what you're doing.

And if you are, FIRST, tell God what's happening. Several times in the last month I've felt myself completely over my head and wondering if I'm flying into worldly things that I might should stay out of. Then, in the midst of everything, changes started happening in my heart that turned the tide of my friendships and conversations so I was on a level field once again confident that I was not following the world away from Him.

That's a lot of words just to say this: God can help you be exactly what He wants you to be.

Strive for that. Seek Him, and you'll suddenly find a beautiful HIM inside of YOU. And you'll have no cause to be ashamed.

1 comment:

shasha said...

sometimes we just have to let go and let God mold us to the person He wants us to be...