Turning the volume down.

In my previous post, I mention a sermon by Eric Ludy. It's called "Depraved Indifference". Its main focus is having the heart of God towards the insignificant (unborn babies whether aborted or miscarried, children starving in Liberia, etc.).

At one point, he tells the story of some Jews during the holocaust and I was able to find a similar story online at this website:

After a speech, pro-life activist Penny Lea was approached by an old man. Weeping, he told her the following story:


"I lived in Germany during the Nazi holocaust. I considered myself a Christian. I attended church since I was a small boy. We had heard the stories of what was happening to the Jews, but like most people today in this country, we tried to distance ourselves from the reality of what was really taking place. What could anyone do to stop it?



A railroad track ran behind our small church, and each Sunday morning we would hear the whistle from a distance and then the clacking of the wheels moving over the track. We became disturbed when one Sunday we noticed cries coming from the train as it passed by. We grimly realized that the train was carrying Jews. They were like cattle in those cars!



Week after week that train whistle would blow. We would dread to hear the sound of those old wheels because we knew that the Jews would begin to cry out to us as they passed our church. It was so terribly disturbing! We could do nothing to help these poor miserable people, yet their screams tormented us. We knew exactly at what time that whistle would blow, and we decided the only way to keep from being so disturbed by the cries was to start singing our hymns. By the time that train came rumbling past the church yard, we were singing at the top of our voices. If some of the screams reached our ears, we'd just sing a little louder until we could hear them no more. Years have passed and no one talks about it much anymore, but I still hear that train whistle in my sleep. I can still hear them crying out for help. God forgive all of us who called ourselves Christians, yet did nothing to intervene.

I want to write and write and write, and say much about the condition of our churches today, but, at least for today, I won't.

Here's what I will say -

I don't have to sing louder to drown out the suffering of the world. Because I've allowed the world so near around me that those train tracks don't even run near my heart. I don't hear the cries because I'm too far removed. I hear some, a little, in my little fostered ones, but this is such a small amount compared to what is actually happening in the world around me - while I surf facebook and check my e-mail and post junk on craigslist.

SO, all that said, I'm turning the volume down. I want to hear. I want to seek out the hurting and broken, and sick and abused. And, for now, I will at least take a step in, what I believe is, the right direction.

For the month of January I am turning my computer off.

I've sinned with it, in that I could have done good with it, and I did not.
I could have sought out a cause to pray for, educated myself on ways to help, spent my evenings with God more than facebook, and with my neighbors more than craigslist and the 1000 blogs I have in my google reader.

I told my family the decision and apparently it wasn't quite clear so just to clarify - with my computer off, I will not be checking my e-mail or facebook. If you want to get hold of me, you'd best do it the good old fashioned way and either use pen and paper or my phone.

I have to be careful - as I've been burdened with this I've leaned towards condemnation and as I condemn myself, others may feel that I am condemning them as well.
I don't know about you. Oh, I've read your facebook posts and I've probably judged you, but I do know that I don't know you. None of you.
What I do know about myself is that children are dying. God has created life, and it is dying of starvation, sickness, disease, and I haven't given my life for His children. People think I won't be able to give up facebook and email for a full month (The plan is just for the month of January right now), and I find that sad and it makes me wonder about the life that I've lived in front of them.

Do they say I won't last because of their desire for facebook and email, or because of my attitude towards facebook and e-mail?

I don't know.

What I do know is that people are dying, and I watched youtube videos.
A 4 year old is digging through trash to find her next meal and I was flipping through my "friends" 92 photos of their family opening trash and junk and stuff.

Eric Ludy's term of "Depraved Indifference" is a legal term: To constitute depraved indifference, the defendant's conduct must be 'so wanton, so deficient in a moral sense of concern, so lacking in regard for the life or lives of others, and so blameworthy as to warrant the same criminal liability as that which the law imposes upon a person who intentionally causes a crime. Depraved indifference focuses on the risk created by the defendant’s conduct, not the injuries actually resulting.

I don't know how to not be indifferent. I listen to Ludy speak the words over and over again and I want God to give me His heart for people but at the same time I know how I would act if it were my child digging through the trash, utterly alone in a foreign country. If I treated the knowledge of ALL the children doing so, and took it to my heart as if they were my own children - as God does - even trying to imagine it right now it feels as though I would lose my mind.

But God knows how far to take me.

I want to give my living. I want to love as He loves. I want to know that hours are filled with necessary, and not the foolish*cough*facebook*cough*.
I want cries to be what I hear, so that I can pray and know the urgency and feel the need - and not just imagine a need that is too much for my mind to conceive too far away.

This will be my last post till February.
If you're my friend, pray for me.
I have dreams and goals that are not of this world.
And not the faintest clue how to reach them except to trust Jesus to bring me where He'll have me.

And, as someone that wonders about who my readers are, I'm going to be praying for you too. Consider turning it all off. Turn the volume down so that you can chase after something eternal, rather than have eternal things simply be a Sunday hobby, or something simply "carried in your heart". Turn it off.
And if you can't - if you really really can't - you are a slave to it. And no man can serve two masters.
Choose this day whom you will serve.

Where is the line for Jesus?

I wrote to two leaders in the church tonight and let them know that I was leaving the church.

The decision comes after a month of trying to avoid the place, just not going, and then that was followed up by attending what turned out to be my final service where a youth minister/guest speaker quoted off the numbers of kids his youth groups have sprouted to, and then referred to Jesus healing the man at the pool of Bethesda as "some dude came up to him".

All I could think about was Eric Ludy's sermon that I've been listening to, over and over and over again (seriously, I think I've passed 20 listens now because he's speaking exactly where my heart beats) where he compared modern church today to Seinfeld. A bunch of people, loving each other in their own messes, all the while so focused inward on themselves and their lives that nothing ever changes. (paraphrase because despite many listenings I can't quite quote this sermon yet)

The decision was only difficult in the fact that I really have no where else to go. I'm doubtful that I will find a good church that actually preaches the Gospel and lives it out - and are willing to have only Christians in their membership, as opposed to having nice numbers.

This Pastor there is sincere in his hunger and attempts to grow the church spiritually, but, after spending so much time watching videos for the progressive Christmas celebration with $5 gifts, giving a round of applause to the church softball team who came on stage in their uniforms to be recognized for having won their tournament undefeated, and hearing about the turkey bowling at the youth "block party" (at which 50 kids were somehow "saved") I found myself... so utterly tired and defeated when it comes to church that I managed to avoid it for 3 weeks until this past Sunday where Jesus, my Saviour and Redeemer, was relegated down to "some dude".

I'm not offended, though perhaps I should be -  mostly I'm just sad. I want Acts. I want Jesus. I want to see what the Bible promises - and if I don't have it, I at least want to be surrounded by people that are willing to step on my toes in order to find it.

I want the God of the Bible, and not the watered down, desecrated god of our churches.
I want more.

A Christmas tree moment

The house was dark, except for the kitchen light and the lights gleaming off of the Christmas tree as I pulled Precious, who was far past her bedtime, out of her carseat. In the gleam of those Christmas lights though, suddenly my baby girl was riveted to the lights. They'd been on all day, but now, now she suddenly noticed them and as still as could be she just stred at the tree.

Standing there, in my dark house looking at her beautiful face glowing with lights as she stared so intently, I began to tell her about a baby. A baby so precious and special that was once born to a virgin girl. A baby with a purpose. A baby, that was actually God. I told her how because of that baby, we now have hope in this life, and in a life to come where one day we'll actually meet this baby named Jesus. Jesus - the one who gives us hope.

And something in that moment changed something inside of me. I wanted to return the gifts, and do Christmas over this year - but do it right this time.

My only problem is, I'm not sure what "doing it right" looks like.
I want to celebrate Jesus. The one who gave me hope.

When it doesn't sound.

I played my old piano this past weekend and almost immediately noticed that the A key doesn't sound very easily. It didn't even sound at all initially unless I hit it very hard.

Music and children seem to be the two most significant God inspired passions in my life. And it's within those two joyful endeavors that I learn the most about God, and see my own little walk in new ways.
This time was no different.

The piano isn't played as often, now that I'm not sitting there adoring it and spending something more than just the regular church hours playing it. Now, it just doesn't get the same use. So it's not necessarily in disrepair - it's not that bad, but things change over time.

Things do change over time.

Considering that, it made me wonder how I have changed. Usually this type of reflection takes place after Christmas and as you enter the new year.My love for music though, and my dismay at seeing a note not play correctly, bring this topic to my mind over and over again.

Because I care a lot about the sounds my life makes to Gods ears.

It's easy for me to get mentally swamped into raising these babies, writing my progress notes each week, staying up with their drs appts, visitation, what needs to be done next and when and how to begin adoption process. It's easy for me to sometimes pray, talk to God about the important things, and then move on.

But this week, I've spent some time in the quiet moments. Talking to God about the deeply personal, the emotional, where I feel weak and needy, and just telling Him I love Him.

It's the time that changes us from boss/employee to a real relationship.

I don't want to just work for Him and report in on progress and ask for help when the project is difficult.

I want a relationship. And I need to always keep Him as the main goal, rather than these children. The work is never it. God is it.

And while I've got my mission, my goal, and I know where I'm going, none of it compares to simply walking with God. So I don't want to have one area of my life that doesn't sound as good as the orphan area. Or my worship area sounding awesome, but my ability to bridle my tongue barely noticeable.

I don't think anyone noticed the music Sunday was missing a note.
But I did.
And while it's easy for me to miss the fact that my melody is not playing as well as it should -
God hears it.

I want a whole melody. I want to be a full, every note resounding in triumphant perfect tune.

So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit,  speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father. Ephesians 5:17-20

Ads are removed

I have removed the ads so that the clicks that I have received will not be counted since they were gotten dishonestly. This blog will be honest, and as one of my sidebar buttons say - I will Blog With Integrity.

I apologize to my friends who so fully rallied to the cause. Thank you for your support.

One day, I hope to re-establish ads on the blog again, but when I do so I would ask my friends to please not click on them unless it actually interests you enough that you would click on it if you weren't on my blog.

Thank you dear readers.

A valid blog

I asked people to click on the advertisements to support this blog.

I clicked on a link in the program to see what it defined as "Invalid clicks" and it simply said that I, the publisher, was not allowed to ask you to click.

Whoops.

The point being that the advertisers don't want someone just clicking on their link and then closing it to make me money - but they want you to be interested in their service, to read what they're advertising. I understand that, and that's why in my initial request I stated that while you "didn't have to buy, or spend 20 minutes on their site, but I would appreciate it if you'd at least observe what they're selling so I'm not cheating my way to Precious. God will provide good ways to get her without me ripping off advertisers with false clicks".

I still mean that. I won't be mentioning the ads anymore (though if you see something inappropriate, I do want you to let me know) - I would simply ask that you only click the links you're actually interested in, and willing to look at. If you've seen the ad for Christian Colleges 20 times like I have, you probably aren't too interested in it anymore. (I haven't clicked on it myself because I did at least know that I am prohibited from clicking my own ads).

But the topic brings me to something excellent, and pure, and wonderful. Validity.

The amount of money necessary to adopt Precious has become a question in many peoples minds I'm sure. And, as of today, I've finally stood up and said simply that I wouldn't tell. As people offer their assistance, things of their own for me to sell and such, I've decided that God would receive more glory if no one else knows the exact size of the need. (If you're one of the few people who know,  please keep it to yourself!) If I told you it was $1000, your expectations and prayers might lean one way, if I told you it was $100,000 your expectations and prayers might lean another way.

I want your response and prayers to lean Gods way. In everything, not just this.

I want God to be glorified in this. Above, and beyond my expectations not just in money, or time, or state decisions still pending, but in all the interactions He opens the doors for me to have because of these children, and the ones to come.

I want their lives, their futures, to be oh so valid.
My blog, should be valid. My silly advertisements should be valid. My interactions should be valid.
My hopes and dreams should be valid. My prayers, all my prayers, should be valid.

My Precious, my future of embracing the weak and neglected little ones, I expect to be riddled with integrity, dignity, and uprightness.
I do not want even an idea of cheating, tricking, abusing a system, to taint something so beautiful and wonderful - especially because our dear friends love us so much that they'd be willing to cheat, trick or abuse for our sakes.

So, I ask my friends and readers to walk with integrity. I needed the reminder today, to help me be firm in this request.

Let your life, your actions, your walk be valid.
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

A click is not enough

I've asked people to click on the ads on my blog, because those clicks produce money which ultimately helps me not just adopt Precious, but begins the advancement of something long coming.

Doing more.

Doing more is simply about taking advancing steps, rather than continuing further in the same steps. This walk of mine is not a long road so much as it is a mountain to be climbed. Higher and higher. This is not just about one orphan, or two orphans living in my home. It's not about the fact that these are my 8th and 9th kiddos and my hope for the 10th and 11th along the way. It's about the fact that I've adjusted to what I'm doing and I love that God gets more glory when I do things I'm not accustomed to.

God, using the same creativity and wildness that created the most unusual of animals, to the most exquisite of flowers, looks deep into our lives and - if allowed - will create something that draws someones eyes to the oddity of it all, and most often to the impossibility of it all.

While you have been asked to click, I don't want anyone to simply click. A click costs nothing but a few seconds of time. God desires so much more. He wants you to pay a price, the simple, inconsequential cost of something as mundane as your life - Have you really seen your life lately? Farmville? Really? - and once that small fee is paid opening access and free will to the one that you claim is Lord of your life, you'll see just what your Lordship might actually produce with the small pittance you just gave over to Him.

I say it lightly and with a smile, because I know what I've given away and what I've held onto and sometimes, I can't even imagine why on earth I've still held on. Even the small tastes I've seen of the future make my mind and heart imagine things so big that they stun me with the unreality of it. No, that couldn't possibly be my little life I'm imagining.

So click I ask, for my sake. But for your own sake, give your life to Jesus. Place it in His hands and quit seeking the latest baseball scores, and the most interesting recipe. Stop trying to juggle your kids karate, soccer, music, cheer, dance, and chess schedules, and lead them into something with a slight twist.

Changing the world.

Unless of course you know a great way to change the world by mastering "Mary had a Little Lamb" on the violin; in which case by all means carry on. :)

Adopting Precious.

So... as many of you know I'm planning to adopt my Precious. She's now 4 days shy of being 9 months old. Army crawls, but no actual crawling. She did, however, pull herself up last Saturday into a standing position for a bit.
She is beautiful, and I full intend to share pictures as soon as I'm legally able to do so. I'll also happily tell you her real name then too!

Meanwhile, I'm preparing. As we sit on day 56 out of 90 of our 90 days of waiting I've begun to work hard to get all my little ducks in a row. Part of that is preparing for life after foster! This blog, is officially my part time job now. I will work at it each evening, and do my utmost to write something interesting, or thought provoking, or even funny maybe (I've heard it's not impossible for me to be funny), and hopefully gain all of your attention.

I don't do this JUST for Precious, because my life is not about her.

It's about serving God.
As a Christian, I am His body, I am His arms, and hands, and feet.
I am called to live out His heart here in this world, and He most absolutely has a heart for these children.
Abused, neglected, born with addictions and handicaps due to drug use, or handicapped now due to severe abuse. Heart/emotional handicaps as they learn how to actually trust humans when they've proved so untrustworthy in the past, the inability to attach emotionally to someone else thanks to constantly being moved from one home and  "mommy" to another.

I'm asking folks to click on the advertising links you'll find on this blog (at the bottom of each post) because in doing so, you're giving money without ever sending a single penny. I'll never ask you, any of you for a penny, because I'm fond of the George Mueller method of simply telling someone what is going on and how to be involved and then simply trusting God for the financial ability to do what He's telling me to do.

God provides for His work.

And you can help by simply being faithful to this blog and giving any of my advertisements a look-see (no purchase necessary).

Primarily, my writing controls the content of the advertisements, so I hope to mostly see religious/christian/family safe items there. But if you EVER see anything inappropriate, please let me know immediately.

If you're reading this blog; if you're one of the many people that have favorited me, or subscribed via google reader, or simply a regular google searcher for "this-walk" or "flyawaynet" - thank you.
I am praying that God gives me words to write to you, as I commit to posting far more often than I have been as of late.
But I'm here now. Commited to doing my part to seeing this blog work for God. It's not about Precious. It's about all the Precious ones out there that need a home.
Consider opening your own home (instead of just clicking a link for me).

Thank you all!

Lord Jehovah is merciful and cherishing; he is patient and his grace is abundant. Psalms 145:8

My dear sweet beautiful readers

I will post in more clarity soon, but for now - just know this.
In further attempts to raise Precious' adoption funds, I've enabled advertising on this blog.
You're about to see me become a serious advertising cow here - PLEASE, take just a moment and click the advertisement links at the bottom of a post or in the bottom of your reader/rss feed. A click for me is a click for Precious!

**You don't have to buy, or spend 20 minutes on their site, but I would appreciate it if you'd at least observe what they're selling so I'm not cheating my way to Precious. God will provide good ways to get her without me ripping off advertisers with false clicks.**

All I want

I'm listening to Mariah Carey sing "All I want for Christmas is you" as I type this - I was searching youtube for a not-so-awful video of it (for a fun family-type song, she doesn't always dress and act in a fun family-type way in the videos).  Here it is! Enjoy!

Have you been asked the question yet? "What do you want for Christmas?"

I have. And my answer, much to the frustration of the asker, was simple.

I want Precious.

All that I have, of any value, I've sold, or am willing to sell and just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you buy me something valuable for Christmas - I'm terribly sorry if it offends you, but if it's nice enough I'll probably sell it. Everything I have, all of me, is all about getting her. She must be bought with a price.

But as I thought about the givers in my life, those people that want to wrap up something I'd enjoy and hand it to me... I began to wonder about something. There is great joy in giving. But, we tend to want to give what we want to give.
My sister-in-law Glenda was recently pestered by her boss to tell her what she wanted for her birthday. The answer -  a giftcard to Wal-Mart. What did she receive? A gift-card to Ross.
Why ask if you aren't going to give it?

Because the giver felt they knew what was best. They had something in mind as what was good enough, right enough, useful enough, that they understood what the receiver should actually have if one were to cut through all the niceties of what people actually say they want and what they really could use.

I can't envision anyone in my family wanting to just wrap up five bucks and say hey, you want Precious - here is what we can do to help you get Precious. No. they want to buy stuff, or make stuff, or do stuff. Because it feels more like a gift. I understand this because that is exactly the sort of thing I would do myself.

And as I sat here thinking "I want Precious", the implications of it were...at least to me... rather intense.

I want her to be mine. Oh, she IS mine already. That is as established in my heart as if it were carved in diamond. But I want everything about her to be mine. I want to give her my name. I want her papers to say she is mine. I want to take the word "foster" out of  "foster daughter". I want to be able to stand before God and man and make a covanant before God to raise her. I want her to be fully, absolutely, completely, no strings or red tape attached, mine.

God wants me.

I want to give Him time reading my Bible, He wants me to be willing to just sit in His presence and listen for Him.
I want to give Him a hundred orphans saved, He wants me to spend time just talking to Him, walking with Him.
I want to give Him a perfect me - one that doesn't sin, or think rude thoughts, or give up when I want to be lazy. He wants a me that simply desires Him.

I look at Precious and I say "I want you" it has nothing to do with her growing, developing. All I think of is simply be mine - ob child, be fully mine!
I want her to grow but I simply want her to be mine. I will help her grow. I will hold her hands and show her how to stand, I will help her move her legs and learn walking motions. I will repeat words over and over and over again so that eventually her little beautiful lips will speak them to me. I will give her foods that change from milk to soft, to meat so that her body will grow and change, and strengthen.

All she must do is simply be mine.
She need not worry about anything else.
I will raise my child.

All I must do is simply be Gods.
I need not worry about anything else.
He will raise His children.

Isaiah 55


Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.

Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
Behold, I have given him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.
Behold, thou shalt call a nation that thou knowest not, and nations that knew not thee shall run unto thee because of the LORD thy God, and for the Holy One of Israel; for he hath glorified thee.
Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the LORD for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.

Loving Buddies, loving God.

It's midnight.

I'm not the type to stay up late either. But I just can't sleep. Perhaps that last Oreo I ate while trying to stay awake during a training class from 6-10 this evening after work was just one Oreo too many. I'm awake.

And I'm thinking about my Buddy and my Precious.

Ever since the doctor said "tethered cord" over Buddy, something inside me seems to have gotten shaken up. I'm emotionally overwhelmed. I ache for him. I ache for his  parents who, in a semi-perfect world, should have been the ones sitting beside the huge MRI machine yesterday.

I ache because they probably don't even know.

I ache because, for once in my life, I am deeply troubled that the answer to "Is there a problem?" is yes.
I ache because, I just returned from a class that mentioned "trauma" in the form of early hospitalizations can  develop things in children that they'll have to overcome.

My gut is ripped in shreds though, at the thought of his tiny, fragile, thin little body enduring the pain of surgeries, catheters, needles. When I stop and imagine it, I can hardly breathe.

Foster child or not - HE IS MINE.
I am not his.

I've thought about the differences the last few days as I tried to understand why my body was physically reacting so strongly to his potential problems, and I put it together as this:
He IS mine, but I am not his.

He is mine. He is my child, my responsibility, my blessing, my chosen opportunity, he is my joy, my sweet sunshine as he grins at me. He is my heart, and as I hold him I'd swear he is my flesh. I would give him all I have and more. I desire so much for his future, his body, his mind, and most of all his soul.

I am not his. Even now, after a month, he cries for someone else. There is someone that holds his heart in a deep, impenetrable way. The time spent in her womb, knowing her voice, and eventually his blessed arrival and feeling her arms hold him. He likes me, yes. But when I left him alone with someone else tonight while I went to class, I knew he would not cry for me. I am not his.

And as I considered these things this week, I almost marvelled at the line that I can draw between those two definitions of who is whose, and who I am to God, and who God is to me.

I believe, firmly, that when God looks down on me He sees me as His. "She is mine".
But I wonder, from Gods infinite view of my life, if He sees that He is mine.

Does my heart cry out for other peoples validation, love, respect, honor, acceptance, more than it does for His? Have I spent time with Him, the birthing time, the quiet hours, days, years, where I just listen for His voice and learn to love it?
Do I cherish the feel of these tiny babies hands, arms, hair, more than I do the arms of my Father?
Am I still willing to lay everything, and everyone down, for the sake of His glory?

Precious, from day one has been of such infinite value to me. She is precious indeed, and dear to my heart. And as I picked up Buddy last night to put him to bed, I knew how precious he too had become to me.
It reminded me of a song that a woman used to sing in my old church: "Jesus is precious to me."

I'd say He is, but... raising two babies and working full time I've found my brain becoming too full. I don't want to read, or listen to things that require my brain power. I want to sit, in a silent house and just recover. But in that, I've wondered if I've slipped some. If I've allowed Him to be less precious to me.

Or perhaps I'm simply taking Him for granted.

Tonight was a good night, that restored to me some energy to pick up and fight again. And I want to reaffirm, or reestablish (whichever word works best) Gods position in my life.

I am His. He is mine.