Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Behind closed doors.

Have you ever read some of my posts and wondered ' what brought this on?" Well, I'm blogging today because someone gifted me a shirt. And because of this gift I'm sitting here at work - in public - feeling like a freakishly long-armed floral pirate. Unfortunately my outward expressions of gratitude do not even closely resemble my inward feelings. And that is why I blog what I blog today.

If it weren't for closed doors, I don't know if I would ever have found my way into the relationship I have with God.

I was raised in church. As a pastors daughter I was raised to make the church people happy. The house was always neat because if someone came over they couldn't think we were dirty, and if my brother or I had to be disciplined during church our smiles during a pinch had to seem genuine so no one would known the pastors kids acted up. I was never charged to be perfect, but I was certainly expected to appear perfect.

Finally, Jan 17th, 2002 I moved into my own house. With no one else around to act to I could be the miserable wretch I am behind those closed doors.

But God worked. He molded and crafted, and my life began to take a real shape. I no longer want who I am behind closed doors to be any different than who I am to you my reader, you my family, and you my church. But the question remains, have I accomplished it?

Do I use words with my worldly friends that I wouldn't use in front of my pastor?
Do I treat people as a friend to their face but say unfriendly things about them behind their back?
Do I say a person should act one way, but I myself only act that way in public, not in private?
Do I put others first, but complain about them after they're gone?

Psalms says there isn't a word in my tongue, but lo O Lord thou knowest it altogether (I memorize KJV can you tell? ). Even if I somehow manage to keep from saying my selfish, self centered, unkind, unloving, rude, hateful, frustrated comments, God knows I thought them. And for God, who is the ever present judge of my heart, that's just as bad as having said them.

So, have I accomplished being exactly who I am both publicly and privately? No. But God and I are working on it. Maybe one day I'll be able to say these verses about myself.

Psalms 17 verses 1 - 8
Hear the right, O LORD, attend unto my cry, give ear unto my prayer, that goeth not out of feigned lips. Let my sentence come forth from thy presence; let thine eyes behold the things that are equal. Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the night; thou hast tried me, and shalt find nothing; I am purposed that my mouth shall not transgress. Concerning the works of men, by the word of thy lips I have kept me from the paths of the destroyer. Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not. I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me, and hear my speech. Shew thy marvellous lovingkindness, O thou that savest by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee from those that rise up against them. Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings.

1 comment:

One Sided said...

I enjoy seeing your self examination.

An honest look at yourself every now and then is character building.

The less and less you are willing to accept as uncahngable about you the more you can turn over to God for change.

I am discouraged when someone tells me, well that is just the way I am, when what they mean , is that is just the way I want to be.

I pary to God that you remain soft clay until you become the vessel God intends for you to be.