How I lost 70 lbs. and kept it off.

This post has been a loooong time coming. People have asked and asked and asked and the answer has always been the same.
The question - "How did you lose so much weight?"
The answer- "I changed my lifestyle."

That was 70 lbs ago.
But the interesting part is that I lost the 70lbs over 6 months ago. I've steadily remained at the same weight regardless of what I do now, or how badly I eat. I've gone back to a lot of old habits of my old lifestyle (thanks to some very rough months) and the healthy things I was doing well are ... well... not quite as prominent. Hmm, well I suppose they're still prominent or I would have gained back weight, but I've let a lot of old habits back in as well.

I'm still drinking water - I've just thrown in a few more sprites (a month - not day) than usual. And I got too cheap to buy vegetables and fruit. And I got too busy with work to want to cook so I ate out more often.

Yet, my 70lbs stayed off.
Why is that?

Because I'd hit a plateau. One of those beautiful places where it takes a lot of effort to break through to begin losing again. But also one of those places where your body just sits at regardless of most things you do (unless you really just go off the deep end with junk food and such).

And I realized that if I'm going to get any further with the weight loss, I'm going to have to press in more than I've ever done before. Because you see, though my weight hasn't changed - my body has. It doesn't feel as healthy as it did 6 months ago. My scale was very deceptive. Because suddenly my weight did not resemble my health. 6 months ago I felt physically stronger, leaner, more stamina, less tired, ready to jump and run and.. well, anything.

My weight didn't change, but I know I did. I'm not in the condition I was in 6 months ago.

And then I saw my spiritual self.

I've really grown spiritually in the last year and a half. But I also see areas of spiritual muscle that I have neglected, and so they have grown weak. I've neglected areas that hold me up, and help me grow stronger and healthier. I'm at a bit of a spiritual plateau. I've grown, I'm happy and thrilled with where I am in my walk with the Lord - but I know I could be stronger, healthier, more spiritually fit per se. I know there's depths and riches I've only begun to taste and understand.

But now, now that I've moved past the whole "baby" stage of my Christianity these little every once in awhile efforts to grow and change aren't going to cut it any more than having one good healthy meal is going to get me through my weight loss plateau.

I have to press. I have to push. I have to change my lifestyle once again. And from experience - both physically and spiritually - I know I need Gods help or it's not even possible.

I'm good. I'm happy. I'm healthy. Both physically and spiritually.
But I want to change my lifestyle again.
I want to hurt and struggle and fight until I break a boundary that I haven't gotten through yet.
And I mean that all in the best way.

I'm losing weight and gaining ground spiritually.
And only one of those was a new years resolution.

Eavesdropping in the ladies restroom.

I was visiting the ladies restroom when I heard a young voice call out from the stall:

"Mom? Are you still out there?"

Not even a moment passed before a tired looking woman leaning against the wall returned "Yes, I'm here".

In that moment I realized, how such a simple question could lead to panic. The child sounded fairly confident when she asked, but had the answer not been so forthcoming... I can easily imagine the fear that would have gripped her young heart.

I wonder, how often we call out like that to God and just don't recognize the answer. Or if sometimes the answer is to trust that when we can't feel Him he's still there -whether we hear Him or not- just because He said He would be.

It's not easy. And sometimes it just downright feels unsafe. But I love that I have a God that when I call out from the recesses of a darkened, small place, fearful and afraid - He's patiently leaning against the wall still. Never having even considered abandoning me. No matter how long I take.

The problem with Narnia

***IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE NARNIA BOOKS YOU PROBABLY DON’T WANT TO READ THIS POST BECAUSE IT”S A SERIOUS SPOILER***

I really enjoyed the new Narnia movie “Voyage of the Dawn Treader”. My niece and I went out this past Sunday to see it and I was not disappointed. I could have easily done without the extra 3-D expense, I’d have been fine with regular D, but I still have very few beefs with the movie. In fact, I only have two.

In an effort to not spoil the movie for you, I’ll only share one… and it’s the same problem I have with the Narnia books, CS. Lewis, and all the movies.
You see, I fully expect, demand even, that the Pevensie kids should be in each book. It’s supposed to be about them. Every time I see Peter and Susan no longer allowed into Narnia it deeply upsets me – that’s not how it’s supposed to be! And then to have precious Lucy and Edmund banned… I’m telling you, I barely control a hissy fit. Not Lucy… Lucy HAS to be in the movie. There is no Narnia without HER. SHE discovered it. SHE is, among the 4 main characters, the mainest. (What’s that spell checker? Mainest isn’t a word?)

It upsets me.
I literally hate CS Lewis for doing it.
Because it’s a lesson I just don’t want to learn.
It’s not that it’s hard to learn…. I get it, I just don’t want to learn it.

You see, I’m wrong about Narnia. It would be there if there were no Lucy, Susan, Peter, or Edmund. It’d be there if there had never had been a Mr and Mrs Beaver, Reepicheep, or Tumnus the fawn. It’d be there even without the White Witch, the Caspian family, or Jill Pole.

Because the story isn’t about Narnia, the War, the kids, or belief in something good beyond this world.
The story is about Aslan. Where He is, the story is.

I want the stories of this world to be about us. I want it to be about the little orphan girl in Haiti, the old man dying with cancer; the homeless man on the street corner who gets a new life and a new job through a second chance. I want it to be about the people that blocked the big bad villains from protesting at a military funeral. I want it to be about a girl who said “Yes, I do believe” when her classmate pointed a gun at her face.
I want my story to be about me so people will see and know what I’ve done, been through, gained victory over.

But it’s not. I can be written out of the story at any time, so can you. The main character will be the main character no matter how many times I try and upstage Him. Lucy called Him Aslan, but I know Him by another name.

And just recently, He wrote me out of my own story.

You see, for years, I’ve struggled with being strict, and harsh; from demanding perfection and saying pointed things when I shouldn’t. I pointed out every little thing, when sometimes, people just needed to be able to grow in their own free time, in Gods time. I hated it in myself, but wasn’t able to stop – even if I didn’t say it, the thoughts rolled around in my heart diseasing me like an ugly abscess.

And then one day, the abscess was gone.

I played no vital role in its removal, didn’t even notice it until I realized how peaceful I was all of a sudden when someone was doing something that I normally would have at least internally reacted to. In the story of my life, pages turned and I never saw it, wars were fought and I lifted no sword. Because it wasn’t my story. It’s His.

I hope I find a way to remember that feeling of filth that I’d struggled with, if for no other reason that it will let me continue to rejoice in this peace. I’m a nicer person now than I was even 3 weeks ago. If you don’t know it, you soon will. A chain that shackled me is now loosed. And I don’t even know when or why He won my victory. But it’s a story. I bet it’s a good story too. But it’s not going to be found in any book about me. I just get to appear in a book about Him. He put my name in the book.

Thank God.

In need of a Savior.

I’m trying to imagine a man who knew no sin.

It’s not easy to even imagine.

To a God who equals lust to adultery, and hatred to murder??? Yeah, It’s a bit hard to imagine someone who was able to meet those standards. Especially while He was accused of wrongdoing and crucified. Especially while He was able to know the hearts and motives of men.
Yeah… It’s hard to imagine.

So when I look though His word and I see Him and I see the meek and mild Man that was still so strong and outspoken – I can’t help but look at myself.

I’m sick at the thoughts of the vile things that go through my heart; anger, disregard, selfishness, even laziness – Even in trying to do good and do well my motives are not always exactly as I’d like them to be. I find myself tamping down desires for respect and praise, hoping someone sees Jesus in me not because they need to see Jesus but because I want people to know I’m “spiritual” and “good”. It’s a hypocrisy that – to me – is a worse sin than drunkenness. At least a drunk is honest about his failures.

Mine remain shrouded in deceiving cloaks of goodness as I try and do good while at the same time seeing and knowing my heart as utterly wicked.

As I see Him more, as I seek Him more, I seem to see myself more as well. I see darker recesses that I didn’t know where there –motives and intents that I was unaware of or simply never evaluated before. I see my attempts at beauty and goodness and cannot help but notice the black spots of sin and self tainting them.

There is no hope for me outside of Him. There is no rescue save Him.

I am in need of a Savior.

This need - this desperate need - did not end when I knelt down and accepted Him into my heart. That was simply a day when I received a glimmer of my need. And now, each day I wake I need a Savior. I’m in need. I’m lost without a Savior. I’m doomed without a Savior.

This is no message of sadness, no message of self-flagellation, this is my message of hope: because I have a Savior. I have what I need. I have a Savior who takes my wayward heart and slowly brings it around to what He wants it to be. I am not a completed work – but I am certainly not what I was before.

My sister-in-law posted on her facebook the first verse to Amazing Grace which most Christians know by heart:
Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost. But now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see.

It’s perhaps those words that spurred me today to write of my own wretchedness that I’ve been battling lately. I am still a wretch. You will likely not see it, God has changed many of my actions, and changed some of my words – but when it comes to my need for a Savior I am still just as much in wretched need of Him today as I was the day He saved me. I just know it better now.

Lord help me Jesus,
I've wasted it,
So help me Jesus,
I know what I am,
But now that I know,
That I needed You so
Help me Jesus,
My souls in Your hand,

~~~
Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You’re the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You’re what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I’d need a Savior

Purpose

At Christmas I went searching for a Christmas ornament for my tree, something to look back and remember 2010 by. I finally found a small wooden ornament with the word "HOPE" emblazoned in it.

In 2010 I let go of my dream of fostering and put my mom in a nursing home. By the end of the year I just wanted hope, something to hold onto. I ended the year tired, hurting, and pathetically lamenting on verses like "Without a vision the people perish" while I whined about how weird it felt to not have something to do with fostering in my line of goals.

I brought in the new year in an unusual way.. to prevent a general outcry from those that don't know me well enough I won't say "what" exactly that unusual way was but in that weekend I found a strength in myself that I am still embracing.

The past is the past. The future is ahead. I'm responsible for the present.

What I know I need to do, I'm attacking and simply doing. Regardless of fear, regardless of that lazy feeling you usually get 2 seconds after you walk in the door from work and sit down.

The word for 2011 is PURPOSE.

I have purpose today.

My goals aren't to lose weight, or to enjoy life more; it's not to get organized or go back to school. I don't desire to quit smoking or drinking (since I do neither), or begin volunteering, or even break a bad habit.

This year, I purpose to chase after God.

This year, I purpose to chase wisdom.

This year, I purpose to live with purpose.

It's as though I woke up this year and took off. Words like "chasing" and "purpose" and "driven" feel appropriate.

I'm tasting, just a taste, of the joy I lost over the last year.

I've never had a year begin so.... intensely.

I'm curious do you have a word for your year?

Quote - Horatius Bonar

"To be entitled to use anothers' name, when my own name is worthless; to be allowed to wear anothers raiment, because my own is torn and filthy; to appear before God in anothers person - the person of the Beloved Son, - this is the summit of all blessing.

The sin-bearer and I have exchanged names, robs and persons! I am no represented by Him, my own personality having disappeared; He now appears in the presence of God for me. All that makes Him precious and dear to the Father has been transferred to me.

His excellency and glory are seen as if they were mine; and I receive the love, and the fellowship, and the glory, as if I had earned them all. So entirely one am I with the sin-bearer, that God treats me not merely as if I had not done the evil that I have done; but as if I had done all the good which I have not done, but which my substitute has done.

In one sense I am still the poor sinner, once under wrath; in another I am altogether righteous, and shall be so for ever, because of the Perfect One, in whose perfection I appear before God. Nor is this a false pretense or a hollow fiction, which carries no results or blessings with it.

It is an exchange which has been provided by the Judge, and sanctioned by law; an exchange of which any sinner upon earth may avail himself and be blest."

- Horatius Bonar, "The Everlasting Righteousness: or, How shall a Man be Just with God?" (Carlisle, Pa : Banner of Truth 1874/1993) 44-45

(Completely stole this post form Tolle Lege because it's outstanding. :)

Advice to the world from my mother.

I am a person who covets advice like candy. I want to hear wisdom, as those words sound sweeter in my ears than almost any other. So, being greedy concerning those things I felt not even a smidge of remorse as I hit my miserable little mother with question after question. I went into it wondering if I’d get anything of value, seeing as her sentences don’t all make sense now.
“Do you want something to drink mom?”
“Well, they’ll all get around if it’s here.”

Ooooook.
After enough of those conversations I didn’t have a lot of confidence that I’d get much. So thanks to low expectations, she far exceeded them. It took awhile, there was some staring off into space and forgetting the question, there were some random answers with words that all together didn’t even make a sentence, there was even some nodding off, and there were also answers that I asked her what she meant and after a little bit I was able to put together what she was trying to get at.

All this advice for the price of a Dr Pepper and a hamburger.

What advice would you give to a young person today?
Use what you got.
(It seems overly simple at first until you start to think about it and the word “But” inevitably comes into your mind. Use what you got anyway.)

What advice would you give to a young single woman today?
Be prepared.
Be prepared for what?
If she’s gonna flirt with someone, she might get more than she bargains for.

What advice would you give to a young mother today?
Make sure you read the same things as the kids.
(I thought our words might have gotten mixed up, so I asked her to explain it, but we were having difficulty… ultimately she actually meant to make sure you live the life you’re telling your kids to live.)

What advice would you give to a young man today?
Treat her right.
(I asked her what if he didn’t have a girl, and I have no idea what that answer was.)

What advice would you give to a pastor today?
Tell them the truth.
(No explanation necessary)

What advice would you give to a pastors wife today? (My dad and her were pastors of several churches over the years.)
Don’t get upset when they try and throw you a net.
(Seeing as my family nickname has always been Net, I took umbrage to that and asked her to explain. We circled the world a few times before it came out that church women can sometimes be the worst in the world and they attack pastors wives. I’ve seen it in cases that didn’t involve my mom even so the general idea is, don’t get upset when the church women attack you and try and make you feel less than you are.

What advice would you give a child today?
Don’t be afraid to stand.
(Asked her to elaborate and she described something along the lines of a child not being afraid to stand up for what they feel is right even though they’re young.).

~~~

I was kicking myself for not having paper and pen, so nothing was written down and these are all done just as best as I can remember them. They may have been more that I don’t remember unfortunately.
As I said though, I want wisdom, It’s like a sweet tooth craving to me (even stronger than a Sonic Slushie, which is saying something!) So if anyone reading this has any answers to these questions of their own – please know that someone over here really wants to read your answers. What advice would you give? If you answer several and have a blog of your own I’ll be happy to publish your responses in a post as well linking to your blog. You can answer in comments or email flyawaynet@hotmail.com
I'd love to see your answers.

FEW ~~~ F-----E-----W ~~~ FEW

I wish I were an artist. If I had any capabilities in that area whatsoever I would draw an ornate and breathtakingly beautiful doorway, a doorway so beautiful that it grabs your attention from far away, and beside it would be a majestic wall with rubies and pearls and diamonds. On one side of the door, you'd see a few gaping, awestruck people walking in the doorway while the hoards and hoards of distracted people on their cell phones, reading their kindles, and using their Ipad to watch a movie, those people would distractedly walk straight into the wall as though they expect a door to be there.

Underneath this marvelous painting would be the words:

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matt. 7:14

Any artists out there want to help me out?

Living in the Bible Belt I'm really frustrated with getting to know "christians".

Listen to this - and blog changes.

Hi there...

So, it's been awhile since I've done anything truly substantial on here hasn't it?

I really think that that is about to change finally and I'll explain why - but first I want to try and convince you to click this link right here. CLICK ME!!!! REALLY!!! I"M GREAT!!! CLICK CLICK CLICK! It will just open up Windows Media Player, so go ahead and click it and it can just play in the background while you read on. It's a sermon by a Pastor Ryan at a church here that I've been going to. One of the best sermons I've heard - and I've heard a LOT of sermons in my lifetime - I'd rank this one into the top 10. So click it and listen why don't you?

So,, this blog here.... it's been a wonderful thing. As someone else recently commented about blogging - It's cheaper than therapy. And he's 100% right. I think it might even be more effective than therapy.
But part of my struggle with blogging lately is that.. well... you're here. No offense, truly. Every blogger wants someone reading their work and I'm no exception. But at some point I quit blogging for myself and I began talking to you. I began worrying about whether I was saying too much, talking about too many struggles, showing all my many colors both bright and dark, whether I came off too goodie goodie, too crazy crazy, or whether my thoughts were relevant to you.

So, I still welcome your comments (it's like a surprise gift on a day that's not your birthday), and your e-mails - but for the most part I'm going back to what this blog was originally intended for, and honestly the writings which caused it to grow some in the first place before I focused too much on you.

This is a good change, and I think you'll find you enjoy it as well... eventually. Introspective writing is what I love best, and I've just been afraid of what I might be introspecting on you all.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and make some powerful and wonderful decisions for the coming new year and it's typical changes. God is great.

What will I remember?

Nearly two months ago when talking with the Lord concerning my mom's situation and how it needed to change, I felt impressed by the time frame of the second week of January. I have no further revelation beyond that, but it was just something that went through my mind during the conversation and has persisted throughout the two months.

I fasted then, agreeing with the Lord for the 2nd week of January (assuming it was an actual word from God and not just wishful thinking). 3 days into the fast I received a phone call that finally, the situation had come to a head enough to absolutely require change. The ball had begun rolling.

Tomorrow, she is scheduled to move into the nursing home. My wish is that the 2nd week of January brings her something far better than a nursing home, but if this is the answer and it just took place before the 2nd week of Jan, I'm accepting of that. God knows my hearts desire. I will serve and love Him. Period.

But it's left me holding onto moments more this weekend as I spend the days with them realizing that each event is my last. It made last nights conversation all the more poignant.

My mother has seizures, a deep chunk missing from her leg that has developed staph infection, a broken foot that has never received any treatment, and randomly suffers from dizzy spells and nausea - she passes out easily while just standing there. All that is piled on top of the nasty fear and confusion of wondering why these rotten people don't understand that she HAS to get home to her momma and daddy who don't know where she is and she's got to help them. (Her parents are so long since deceased it's surprising she doesn't remember that with her long term memory).

Last night, she's having a spell and wandering back and forth from her bed to the living room - during one trip to her bed, she lies down and calls me into the room to pray for her.

I need help, it's too much.

What is too much?

I need you to pray for me.

What is happening that I should pray for?

I don't think I can keep breathing.

Is it hard to catch your breath?

No, it's just I tell myself to breathe and it goes into my brain and gets confused there.

(My own desires make me point blank on my next question) What do you want me to pray? Do you want me to pray God will help you breathe or that God will help you go home to Him?

Oh, I can't go home yet.

Why not?

Because of Steve, he needs someone here to pray for him. He says he loves God but he just goes up and down. He isn't sold out and won't give God everything. Steve has been so good to me, all my brothers have and I just can't stand them going to hell. Someone has to tell them, to convince them, to really give all of themselves to Jesus.


She doesn't know I'm her daughter. She hates the strange man that she declares isn't her husband, she's losing the ability to put together sentences that make sense, and she can't even remember how to breathe without effort - but she knows her brothers need Jesus.

What have I made so important to me that if I lost my ability to think and remember, that this one core issue would remain engraved in my mind? I doubt my one lingering memory will be quite so noble.

And still obeys.

As time creeps closer to Christmas there is a part of me that almost panics with desperation. This year's Christmas is so incredibly difficult.

Even now, I write this weeping, struggling with envy over a brother in Christ who is about to lose his grandmother - I know that sentence doesn't make sense, but all my eyes can see is that someones suffering is over, they will see Heaven, he will only mourn a very temporal loss as he is heaven-bound as well.

I've prayed so hard for my mother to find relief. I have fasted, I have wept, I have literally groaned with emotion. Yet now, as we approach the final days before my mother enters a nursing home my imagination envisions her first night in a cold institution that is not home and cries out to God that He would let her see home.

I've struggled with God. There's always that foolish wish that God just do it, you know, whatever it is you're wanting. But He doesn't quite work that way.

Slowly I've been making my way through The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and one part caught my attention and I thought it might reach someone else the way it did me. Because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person in the world who has failed at using God as her magic lamp.

For those of you not familiar with the book, Lewis writes from the perspective of a older, wiser demon writing to a novice demon just starting out on how to best win the patient away from the Enemy (God) and over to "Our Father Below" (The Devil). The older demon/Uncle "Screwtape" writes to his nephew Wormwood:

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

Those words convicted me when I read them because as much as I'd like the world to revolve around my answers to my prayers - it doesn't. I love Him and I want to want to serve Him even when I ache so much for her pain that I can't breathe. I love Him and I want to want to serve Him when the answers I get don't make sense, when the plans don't work out, and when the substance of things hoped for never becomes actual "substance".

So when that day comes, roughly 9 days from now, when my mother spends her first night in a building, rather than a home, I will weep again and I will feel shattered into pieces...

...and I will love You Lord.

My incredible present.

I've discovered something interesting:
Christmas wish lists rarely give you the things near and dear to a persons heart.

I've asked people "What do you want for Christmas"

The best presents I've found for people didn't come from pulling the item off a list or heading to the store to get what they mentioned. No. The best gifts came from spending time with them. Then, based on things they said that they didn't realize you were really listening too, I make the purchase.

Those have always gotten the best reactions.

Which left me wondering about the gift I've received and the person who gave it. I wouldn't have asked for it. I wouldn't have imagined a gift so... impossible and amazing. It's like asking someone to stop the sun in the sky so that a happy day could last longer. It's crazy to ask, so you don't even think it.

Yet someone that knows me, and knows what I could use and want and need, someone who knew the meager desires of my heart and took those desires and presented me with an offer so phenomenally beyond those desires that it's.... mind-boggling. Hard to believe sometimes even. I got an amazing amazing gift.

If you know me, you probably already know what it is.

Thank You God for Jesus.
Thank You Jesus for salvation.
Thank You Holy Spirit for Your indwelling.

Lemons and Lessons

I own a lemon. I bought it at the very end of October. It was an ugly shade of red, in the right price range, and it got an all clear from a mechanic that I took it to. The very first car I've ever taken to a mechanic before purchasing, ironically enough.

Two weeks after purchase, my brakes failed. $466.95 to fix.
Not even two weeks after that, a pulley withered away and they had to drop my engine to get to it. $480 to fix.
Just barely a week later some unknown issue with my transmission won't allow the car to shift gears. The mechanic I talked to thinks he knows what it is and if my lemon has the piece on the outside of the transmission it's a fairly easy fix. If it's inside the transmission it's going to be like having my transmission rebuilt. I had to have it towed - $$$ - and tomorrow I find out what the official verdict is for the lemon.

As I sat for nearly an hour waiting for the lemon tow guy to arrive I simply had to ask something: "God, did I tick You off?"

I've been spoiled with so many blessings that it's easy to confuse blessings with favor and problems with disfavor. But as I sat there, pondering when you give up on a lemon and how long a person should keep trying or whether I'm a doofus for having tried this long; I couldn't help but ask that question. Are You mad at me?

But tonight, sitting here with a kitten in my lap I considered how pathetic I should become.
I got this dumb kitten maybe a month ago. It was right after the kids left the house, the neighbors had several kittens whose momma cat had died shortly after birth and the lady and her husband had been bottle feeding them. Finally at 4 weeks old the husband was giving them away or taking them to a shelter. I felt bad for the kittens, and considered how having one of these in the house would help keep me firm on my decision not to foster again (pet rules are ridiculous); I snagged one.

Today, still insanely small and likely as not to die just from being underfoot, this kitten has one huge preference in life: it just wants to sit in my lap. The moment I sat down to write this blog I had to remove it from my lap 3 times in just the few moments it took to put my laptop in my lap. Even now, he's wedged himself onto my lap right inbetween me and the laptop.

He follows me around the house - even trails me next door and back when I go to visit. He's almost - almost - as good as a dog.

But he's also obnoxious too and he's had some special moments where he was "taught" that some things weren't allowed in the house. The first time he climbed on my piano for example... But he has yet to hold a grudge. He never seems to worry about discipline no matter how strict or frustrated I get with him. He just does what he wants, and is slowly learning what not to do - and that the word "no" means something.

No matter what though, when I sit down I can fully expect that he is going to come climbing up.

It may seem irreverent but I couldn't help but think - so what if God is mad at me? God, if You are mad, teach me, lead me, smack me around with difficult circumstances until I learn to do what You want me to do. I'm sorry I'm stupid and undisciplined about some things - but while You're teaching me, just let me be in Your presence. Let me sit with You, let me be near You.
Hurt me if You must, bankrupt me with lemon after lemon, take my health, take my family. But God, when You sit, I want to sit with You. As You walk from room to room, I want to follow You. When I see You walk out the door, Lord I want You to have to restrain me to keep me from following after You.

I'm diligent in my life to try and not be "needy" towards people. They have their own burdens and don't need mine so I take care of myself and rarely look to others asking for support. But I'm constantly needing the reminder that I need to be needy with God. I need to be the pathetic little kitten that just got in trouble that doesn't care that it's in trouble as long as it's in His presence.

Perhaps one day I'll be as smart as this dumb kitten.

Though I'm not sure if God might be more of a dog-person.

Big things...

I've written about this before, but I enjoyed an interesting reminder last night as I was reading through Hebrews. I'd reached the "Faith Chapter", amazing story after story of amazing things that happened simply by faith. Those verses make me look at my life and grumble that I'm not doing big enough things for God.

But then Paul carries on to say that he doesn't have enough time to tell all the stories of those who through faith subdued kingdoms, quenched the violence of fire, became valiant in battle. Then in the very next sentences: "And others were tortured, not accepting deliverance...." "trial of mockings and scourgings..." "they were stoned, they were sawn in two", "wandered about destitute, afflicted, tormented"

It certainly puts simple things like grief into perspective.

It's easy to sit here, in my warm home, automatic dryer drying my clothes while I type out my thoughts, and wonder if God would ever call me to something so noble as what those martyrs went through. And while, in my time, it's easy for me to say that I'd face a gunman and easily declare my faith - the idea of "sawn in two"... it honestly makes me wonder if I'd be strong enough. I'd like to hope, but I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of suffering - or that kind of cruelty.

But it also reminded me of something I'd read somewhere else. In a book the girl declares she'd walk through fire for the boy she loved - but then she amended, that less dramatically, she'd be willing to slosh through the rain and cold every day for him. It was a simple reminder I suppose.

God isn't calling me to be sawn in two just yet, but He is calling me today to live for Him.
I wonder, truly, which is harder?

What if we lived only for our mission?

I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but I need reminding of it fairly often: It's all just a part of growing up.

I don't mean growing older physically, but growing up in Christ. Some of the mistakes you make as a babe in Christ need to be schooled out of you as you grow. It is within that growth that some of the verses that talk about speaking soberly and avoiding vain babblings begin to make sense.

When I was a child I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man - or woman in my case - I put away childish things.

I'm afraid there is something to the childishness in me that allows for wavering. It allows for a lot more mistakes because even I will excuse myself sometimes.

But to the honest, for reasons that I'm not even sure of it's downright scary to plunge into the solid, sober, non-vain babblings of a grown Christian. Perhaps the greatest reason to fear it is simply that I might fail, that I'll fall while grasping hold of this special maturity and be held to a greater accountability before God.

Perhaps another reason is that as I even test these waters on my own I see others watching me and I fear so greatly that I will lead them astray.

Or perhaps the greatest reason of all is simply that it's just a little bit more dead to self than I want to be.

As I pondered those ideas I found myself thinking on the words "To live is Christ, to die is gain". When Paul said them, he had to have understood that there was nothing here worth truly living for except for Gods mission for his life.
People don't like to think that way though, we make up all sorts of reasons for people to want to live - family, friends, work, things to see, dreams to aspire to - but I wondered what it would be like if we all lived our lives out only because there was still another person that needed to be reached.

You won't get it till you get it.

I was driving back to San Antonio from visiting my parents during the Thanksgiving holiday. Most predominately on my mind was my last moment with my mom.
When I am down, she becomes my shadow - I can't go anywhere without her hardly and when she went to bed early she had to get up several times to make sure I was still there. So Sunday morning when I put a few things into my car preparing to leave right after they left for church my mom followed me back and forth.

Finally, I stopped and we just stood outside together. She commented on the trees not having bark, two branches that were dying, and how there were a lot of cars at a neighbors house. Dad came out, told me to lock up the house behind me and we said a quick see you later so mom wouldn't catch on that I wouldn't be there when she got back.

By the time I made it back up the steps to the house I could hardly breathe it hurt so badly. I sagged against the wall and wept for my mothers constant misery.

Then I got up and I went to church.

As we sang and older song in the service one of the verses said for us to forget about ourselves and magnify the Lord and as I sang those words in my heart I realized how easy it is for me to magnify my problems, my heartaches, my whatever - until I can't see God anymore.

But on that drive home I realized something amazing surrounded the ache of grief in my heart and it was joy. Joy in the greatness of a God that is bigger than whatever troubles me. Joy that is stronger than pain. Joy that is brighter than the darkness of grief. Joy that overwhelms despair with hope.

As I considered it and how I could tell the world about it I realized that something like that just doesn't make sense. It's incomprehensible that in the middle of something horrible something so wonderful could still overpower the grief of it. And I realized, no one can get this concept until they actually get it. Until you've seen the heartache and seen how much greater God is.

I'm sorry for the circumstances under which things like this have to be learned - but I'm less afraid of tomorrow knowing the things I've learned through suffering.

Interrupting the silence,

My dear friends,

It's amazing what can happen in 2 months time.

Thank you all for bearing with me in the silence. I have one post I feel compelled to write, possibly over this weekend, but for the time being the silence will continue a bit longer.
The last 2 months have been easily the most difficult in my entire life. Looking at the problems I'm facing, perhaps I've been a bit sheltered I suppose. I'm not homeless, and I do still have my job. So while it is the most difficulty I've ever faced - I have no selfish notions that things couldn't be worse or that others aren't suffering far more dearly tonight.

In and amongst those difficult times is the fact that this is my last holiday season with my "family". As soon as the holidays have ended, I will make one special trip back North to assist my dad in placing mom in a home. Ahh, there they are, the familiar tears. The nursing home is as entirely necessary as it could be. There are no other options. From the phone calls I've attempted to handle, I can tell it is pretty close to a miracle my dad has lasted this long.

I've sat here tonight, simply listening to my Gather Homecoming dvd called "Heaven". I say I'm listening to it, but in reality I've only backtracked over and over again to listen to David Phelps sing "No More Night".

I long for a day with no more night.

I have much to say. But for awhile, the words in my mind changed directions so quickly; it certainly helped solidify the decision to not blog for awhile. I've even prayed for a strong Christian that could come along side me and I could just talk to. But, seeing as I've never settled into a home church here, along with the events of the past 2 months - I'm settled to simply resolving things between myself and God.

The words have settled down a bit for me, but I've realized that some of this I need to simply hold quietly within my heart.

All that to say, that I appreciate that you read my blog. I appreciate that you let me be a small part of your life, to be one of your stops as you come to see what I might say or do next. And I hope you know I have not stopped blogging. I will be back, it's quite possible that it may not be until after I've seen my mother safely into a nursing home after the holidays. But inbetween, I do expect at least one more post simply because it's nearly written in my mind, I just need to write it down for you to read.

I'm hurting, but I'm not without hope. I weep with grief and stress and sorrow, but I weep with the confidence that one day I will live in the light of the risen Lamb. And that one day there will be no more night, no more pain, no more crying again.

A statement

I've always tried to be painfully honest with this blog. My most earnest frustration is that I will appear spiritually devout and free from the troublesome afflictions that every Christian faces: fear, doubt, anger, frustration, discouragement, sadness, just to name a few. I feel I've succeeded in my attempt to counteract that false impression so well (perhaps too well) that I cannot imagine anyone could read this blog and see me as somehow superior to them or to place me on a pedestal.

This post will further distance me from such a pedestal.

I failed. I attempted to foster two children and failed. In talking with God I finally found the words to define my failure in a way that brought all the frustration and sadness home. I simply said to Him: "I wasn't like You."

And dear God, how I've tried to be, but in a moment of testing - I wasn't.

My God accepts failure. He accepts my broken-heartedness over the failure, my repentance of so many specific sins that led to the failure. He loves me as a broken, nearly impossible vessel.
But I struggle with coming to God with failure. I want to be worthy in my own right. He calls my own attempts to be filthy rags and beckons me to accept that HE has made me worthy.

I feel broken, unsure how to proceed.

Something has happened to me though - still happening - and it's burning within me in a passionate flame that leaves me burning to touch this world for Christ. I will not walk away from my Savior. My love has changed, it is still passionate and strong, but now there is such a strong sense of my own unworthiness and His great mercy towards me that I want to take time to grow and understand it better before I bring this blog along for the amazing ride that will take place after this period. But I hope all of you may come along on this walk as well.

If you're not saved - Jesus loves you. He died for you. Whatever you're longing for, hoping for, aching for, regardless of what name you give it I know it is truly called Jesus. You may call it money, or another cigarette, or drugs, or marriage or physical satisfaction of your "needs" through whatever means, you may call it the love of a man or a woman, but the true name is Jesus.

I have avoided Him myself some this last week because I see how weak and dirty I can be on my own. And maybe you've felt too weak, too dirty to meet Him as well. But I will tell you honestly, He will not reject you. He is loving you with such a love that you have never imagined regardless of how good or bad a family you may have come from. His love so far surpasses that of the love here in this world that your mind will struggle to conceive it.

But your sin will forever separate you from Him unless you pray, repent and turn from your wicked ways and give Him your life - He is waiting. Hell is waiting. Choose. Choose quickly.

This blog is still on hold, feel free to converse at flyawaynet@hotmail.com if needed but for now I want to figure out what He's teaching me. I covet your prayers as I write this with a broken heart, sad, hurting over a struggle I never imagined facing through false accusations, and what may be the ending of a vision I've carried for over 10 years.

Seeing as this post may be here for awhile I hope you might feel free to post a prayer request for yourself as well in the comments. I'll be doing a lot of praying the coming weeks especially and it would be wonderful to have a name besides "the people that read my blog" to speak in prayer. Or you may e-mail the request if you'd like it kept private.

Thank you for watching my walk through this blog. Let us begin to walk together.

This blog is officially on hiatus

Blog Walking - 4

It's a little bit light this week, but that just means you should be able to read all of them. :) These are some terrific posts that will either really resonate with you, or make you think. It's some good stuff, so take a minute to read some of these.


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The Little Engine that Could, The Good Samaritan, And The Inborn Law Of Love - Gunner @ Raw Christianity

Go Again - Christie @ Satisfaction Through Christ

We Are Where We Are For a Reason - Jana @ The Meanest Mom

When Cleanliness Thwarts Godliness - Dan Edelen @ Cerulean Sanctum

Of Glenn Beck and Beards - Rob Bowman @ Parchment and Pen