Monday, November 13, 2006

I'm angry

In case you skim over the titles of my post, let me repeat this for you - I'm Angry.

Friday afternoon I spent a couple of hours helping my parents move a shed that's in my yard 11.5 feet forward. It was required by a settlement agreement that we have this done by Monday. So, we moved it.
My mom is 58 yrs old. She had a heat stroke 2 months ago. She spends most of her days nauseous and trying to find the gentle balance between working around the house as much as she can and not over-doing which leaves her shaky and weak as jello and even more nauseous.
She stood next to me as we pushed and jacked and pulled this shed.

That's when I became angry.
Angry at a world where I can't protect those I love.
That started the ball rolling.

I minister to my neighbor and literally try to hide it from the Christians that have instructed me not to. I've been griped at, lectured, berated and that's only about the stuff people KNOW about.

I'm fed up with the Christian ideas of doing only as much as you can and still be "safe". I'm not going around deliberately trying to hurt myself but the people the bible says to be around are the ones you think I shouldn't be around.
At what point do you decide Jesus wouldn't pick up hitchhikers? At what point do you decide that the beggars and homeless in your city should not be approached, much less invited to your house. At what point?
At what point do we realize we've told God we'll only be faithful in certain rational and logical things.

My brother recently commented that he'd drop anything for me. He sent me a long e-mail saying that he supported me.
But when I called him, he didn't come.

I'm angry, but mostly because I can see so clearly the hundreds of times I've told God how much I love him, that I'd drop anything for Him, that I want to be used for His kingdom and make a difference.
But when He calls me, how many times do I say no? How many opportunities have I missed? How many hitchhikers have I passed up? How many people not spoken to? How many times have I thought I had a legitimate reason to tell God no?

The bible repeatedly talks about how He's not going to give you the big things unless you've proven yourself faithful in the small things. Yet, we seem to believe we'll be faithful in the big things - though we've failed in the small - because they're more important.

I've been praying a prayer from the last part of Psalms 139 lately, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." And unfortunately, ever since praying that prayer my thoughts seem to be running away with me.

I've apologized repeatedly to God for my anger. But it's probably not quite as sincere as I would like it to be because at some level deep down I'm wondering if my anger is really wrong. Have I sinned in my anger? So far I've been punished for my anger. But was it really sinful? Is all anger by nature sinful? Jesus got angry. So the answer would be no, it's not all sinful. Or maybe you'd just like to think any anger I direct towards you, or your belief system is sinful. Maybe anytime I'm angry and you don't think I should be, maybe that anger is sinful.

It's funny how we decide what is sinful or not depends on whether we agree, approve, or are not offended by "it". Far better if our criteria for sin was based on what God would agree and approve of.

The most frustrating part of this post is - did you see it yourself?? - how I just condemned myself.
"It's funny how whether I become angry or not depends on whether I agree, approve, or are/are not offended by whatever "it" is. Far better if MY criteria for anger was based on what God would agree and approve of."

Search me, oh God, and know my heart: Try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

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