Friday, November 17, 2006

Please accept my sincerest apologies

I hate apologizing.

It's not because it's humbling, I can take that. But I hate it for two other reasons.

First, it means I've done something wrong - again.
Let's face it, this won't be my first time apologizing. So I'm a repeat offender. That comes as no surprise, especially to those that know me. But, there's probably no one that's only sinned once so at least I'm not alone.
When you look back on how many times I go around apologizing, and how few they are, I realize that there are probably so many other times that I'm just not aware of the sin. Among the many changes in my life, one of the priorities is to be aware of the sins in my life. It's rarely right away that I realize I have committed an offence, but later on as I'm thinking about the events of the day that the revelation that I should have handled something differently hits me. But when I think about the hundreds of words I say each day, and my penchant to spout off without thinking...I wonder how many sins my heart has overlooked.

The second reason I hate to apologize?
If you go back later and remind someone of an event and apologize for it, you almost always have to convince them that you should apologize. They are generally more than willing to gloss over your faults and failures either because they love you, want to act like they love you, or because they just don't want to seem harsh. It's a bit, well, strange trying to convince someone that you've wronged them, and thus sinned against God and that it is important, whether they were offended/noticed the crime or not.

I understand now why people have accountability partners. You could easily confess any sin to an accountability partner, and then because of their constant reminders go and apologize. But without those people, it's just between you and God. God knows what I did, saw me act without thinking because I was determined that doing this a certain way was better. God is the only one that will know if I don't apologize. And when, when I do apologize it won't be because of anyone elses reminders except God's.
I actually like this way better. This way God knows - by my actions, NOT just my words - that I want to please Him. My actions have no other motivation, no one else is pushing me, no one else is reminding me, it's just me. Me and God.

And that I like.

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