But reading my more recent blog entries it's a little hard to see that in myself. Everything that I've written has been very serious lately.
I've succeeded somewhat in not thinking lifes problems into a huge rut, but I've only recently started thinking about the weight of them. It's hard to throw off the weight of sadness. And while I'm happy for so very many reasons, it seems like sadness weighs more than happiness. I hope that somehow makes sense to you.
I'd like to believe that if somehow I became a better Christian, followed God a little closer, mimicked God a little more precisely, that somehow other things would change. My church family would grow, my family would love each other, and those I'm praying for wouldn't hurt anymore. And while that might happen a bit, to some extent, for the most part a change in me won't change the world. At least not the world I'm specifically hoping to change, and most definitely not the overnight change I'm wishing and praying would happen.
That, that disappoints me.
I feel, strangely enough, as though I'm at a turning point in my life. As though I'm running a race, but am looking at a dead end.
Have you ever been lost? Lost in the woods, a big city, long strange corridors of a hospital? The first thing you do when you realize you don't know exactly where you're going is to slow down. You might even stop, stop and think a bit about the last things you saw that told you where you were or the right way to go. Your mind races as you slowly begin moving again searching, searching trees, or street signs, or room numbers. Anything that will tell you where you should turn.
I'm not lost. At least not spiritually speaking. But I'm searching for something. I'm in the waiting period for my official licensing for foster care. It might just be that that's the turn that's going to happen and I just have to trust God and wait. I'm ok with that. But I'm going to keep searching. Going to keep reading my bible looking for signs, listening to my pastor who might mention a direction, but most of all, listening for that Voice. The Voice of the very one I'm chasing.
I pray that I will walk steadily and confidently in good works. To walk in faith. To walk humbly in love, mercy, compassion, reverence and wisdom. I wouldn't take anything for my journey now.