Friday, November 09, 2007

Attachment issues.

Ok, I learned something today. It was a lesson that really, absolutely sunk in. So let me tell you the guts and grit of it.

Little one has been with me over 3 months now. 100 days of being away from mommy, and living with me. Every week, every day has gotten better and better and better. Until this week. This week it's like the world turned upside down and this little one can't see straight for crazy. All she does is cry. Daycare distracts, church distracts, and if I can keep her around other people, they distract. But after they're gone, she cries.
She wants her mommy.
Tuesday night, she sat eating dinner, heartbroken, crying between bites. Wednesday night after eating dinner with some friends, her smile faded and by the time we got to the driveway of home she was crying.
She even wakes up crying.
Through all this, when it's just me and her, suddenly instead of playing, all she wants to do is stand by my side or be held.

I asked people about this, as to what on earth happened to mess with her so much this week.
It turns out it's attachment issues.
It's actually a pretty good thing. It means she's bonding to me and it's confusing her because of her attachments to mommy.

So here's the lesson:

The more she wants to hold onto me, the more she cries for mommy.

It's a crazy emotional thing that doesn't make sense logically, but is exactly what it is. And as she sat in my lap tonight I thought back to so many occasions where I did the exact same thing to God.

The more I want to hold onto God, the more I hold onto the world.
It's crazy. Enlightening, but crazy.
It's one of those "Oh, come on" things... Something I knew, I really did know, but tonight made me gasp at the reality of it. Holding onto God, has to mean letting go of the world. But I know what holding onto worldly things looks like. It is familiar. It's not crazy looking.
Holding onto God, fully letting go of this world, is more than a little scary. Every time I turn around He's nudging me into bigger and more challenging things. What would happen if every last ounce of me went into His arms and His will?

Sitting here, I thought briefly about how most Christians would tell me that He'll never take you anywhere you're not prepared to go, and that once you actually take hold of Him fully, you won't be afraid of that step any more.
And then I imagined a first time skydiver. Excitement and adrenaline flowing through their veins as they watch the videos, listen to the safety instructions, then climb into the plane. They're excited, ready to take the leap. Then comes that moment when, standing at the door of the airplane, you realize you're suppose to step out onto nothing and fall for awhile, trusting in fabric and lines. That's when doubt and fear comes up. And you have to make the decision, you have to decide at that moment if you're actually going to jump.

Fortunately for us, God is more patient than a pilot and will never tell you He's going to land and your chance will be over. He's always waiting and willing to draw you any step closer that you'll come.

There are a lot of Christians out there though, parachute strapped to their back, that will spend their entire lives flying around in circles, looking at the door.

Just my luck, I'd end up entangled in some technical issue of who packed my parachute.


Eva Maria Trans said...

I'm from Denmark and just wanted to say thank you for your very wise blog today. It should be a book instead of just a blog... :) Or a preaching. We really need to remember, that we cannot be in the boat and walk on the water at the same time. Actually landed on your blog, because of that very wisely composed spam mail, I got today. Thanks for bringing that out in the light as well.
Bless you very much

flyawaynet said...

Thank you Eva, for looking around while you were here. And especially for your kind words! I'm sorry you got the scam-mail too. The truth is,I think a lot of the people that googled it to see if it was a scam or not would have sent the bibles. I wouldn't mind getting a real need e-mailed randomly to me. In fact, I'd welcome it. What easier way to follow Jesus's principle of giving to those who can't give back?