Friday, November 02, 2007

Going backwards...

Nearly 6 years ago, I moved all my belongings into a house. I was renting it but it was mine and mine alone. I found myself suddenly spending hour after hour by myself. There was no more 'churchy' pretense where you talk spiritual, act right, stay away from bad things all because someone is there with you watching. And every now and then the realization that no one would know if I didn't go to church would surface. No one would ever know if I didn't pray, or didn't spend time in Gods word.

And I wouldn't have to pretend I did. Because no one was there to pretend to.

I'm not even sure if I knew before then that it was pretend. But the reality that I was playing at being a Christian set in rather unpleasantly. I told God I wanted the real thing, but nothing changed and I still couldn't seem to find my way. Deep down was the fear that God had indeed given up on me. I'd heard so many preachers over the years talk about how God calls and calls but will turn you over due to the hardness of your heart. I'd heard preachers talk about how God hates hypocrites - which was just a fancy word for pretenders like me. I was scared.

So I did what I do extraordinarily well. I got mad at Him. I complained about my past, my present, my problems, my burdens, everything that I felt was wrong with the world including Him. You name it, I was complaining to Him about it. I woke up telling Him how cruddy the world was. I ate lunch telling Him how I thought it stunk that He'd allow people to hurt other people. I drove home from work telling Him how much I hated life itself, and didn't want to live. I went to bed telling Him that everything seemed hopeless and only obligation kept me going every single day. Not God, certainly not Him. I couldn't find my way in to Him. So a great big phooey on Him.

I don't know how long the anger continued. But over time, I had begun complaining to God all day long. Everywhere I went, from the grocery store to work to dinner, He was there and I was ranting. Slowly the ranting changed to talking, and over the years the talking melted into friendship. Until at some point, He had become my Savior, Lord, Christ Jesus. Most people can tell you when they were saved, but I can't. At some point I just looked around and realized that I was.

I'm just thinking about how important it was, what a difference it made in my life, when I put God in every moment of every day.

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