Some of my favorite words to a song comes from the song "I am thine O Lord". I think it's around the third verse that the writer says "O the pure delight of a single hour, that before thy throne I spend. When I kneel in prayer and with thee my God, I commune as friend with friend."
I love those words, and I absolutely enjoy that feeling of 'communing' with God. Those moments once you've pressed in - where everything just flows in a rhythm that you know doesn't come from you. If you're me, you get up from those moments red eyed, snotty nosed, and feeling like the world has come off your shoulders. Even if I didn't go into it all that burdened, somehow I just feel lighter afterwards. It's a great feeling.
But it's also a feeling I haven't enjoyed lately. I blogged awhile back about feeling like there was a wall between God and I, but then I left the problem alone. Slowly, eventually I found myself praying less and less. In the past months I've felt crushed with weakness, overwhelmed by the feeling of evil around me, and worse yet, aloof from God. Having some of the problems go away, didn't change that distance between Him and me.
With it all over, I found myself trying to go back to my normal ways of praying, only to feel like I was talking to a wall. Yes, there are times when you need to 'press through', but for me, it felt like I was missing something. Even worshipping was requiring more and more effort before it began to flow from my heart.
So tonight I found myself, where else, but at my piano. And I told God all about it. I told Him I didn't feel right praying. And that's why the time I'd spent in it had gradually decreased over the last weeks. I told Him that after all this mess the last few months, I just don't understand why He's holding onto me. I've done enough. I've sinned enough. I've doubted enough. I might excuse other people, but I've been raised in church my whole life. I know better. But I didn't believe any better.
After all that, I asked Him not to give up on me. He spoke to me. I asked Him to keep holding onto me, even though I don't deserve it. And then I began interceeding for others. I brought needs to Him, humbly, confessing my selfish reasons for wanting whoever I was praying for to be healthy but asking Him to move anyway. As I reached some needs the Holy Spirit stirred and I would begin praying in tongues for them. As I finally had to step away and carry on with the night I knew that He'd heard me. For at least this one night the wall was gone, and I had the priceless treasure, the pure delight, of communing as friend with friend.
As I thought about the difference between tonights prayers, and the way I normally bring needs to God, I realized that I would normally assume these prayers were weaker than the other prayers. Before there was a strength and boldness to my prayers. Tonight, humility and the absolute knowledge of being undeserving were the foundation. But I asked anyway, for no other reason than because He says He loves us.
I know I needed to be humbled. I know I did, indeed, need the reminder that He doesn't love us because we've done something great or because we've spent our lives in church and knows the ins and outs. I hope and pray that this message sinks in to me. It's not about me. It's about Him. If it were about me, well, it'd be really pathetic.