My dad recently asked me if Little One would be around on Thanksgiving day or if she would have some special visitation arrangement with her parents that day.
At his question, I took a moment and considered how strange it would feel to be somewhere without her. My family wouldn't understand just how strange it felt, they wouldn't imagine how constantly on my mind she would be. They'd be preoccupied with their conversation and food.
Then today, I had an encouraging talk with the CPS caseworker that says things are going really well on the parents end. And for a brief moment I remembered that the next court date was only a couple of months away... what if she left then? The thought started my stomach churning at the very idea. Reality set in that she more than likely wouldn't go home that soon, but it still brought to mind that she isn't here to stay. She's going to leave. And it's going to rock my world a little when she goes. Despite the fact that everyone immediately talks about the child leaving (when they find out you're a foster parent), I hadn't really spent much time considering her leaving. And I think I'm going to try my best to go back to not considering it again. No use mourning one day before it happens.
The biggest thing is, besides the loss of relationship, the routine hugs and bedtime stories, the holding her banana while she climbs into the car seat, the sleepy "Hey Net" as she wakes up each morning, is knowing that she could be walking into a scary future without me. I know I would protect her as best as I possibly could if I were there. But she'll have to walk into that future without me.
I'm leading you somewhere with all this, can you tell yet?
How much does God the Father mourn over us? Sometimes, we like sheep have gone astray, and He loses that routine prayer time with us, talking to us, watching us struggle and try again, watching our faith grow and our occasional unselfish expressions of love that make Him proud of us. And He knows we're walking into something without Him. He knows the temptations we're going to face, the consequences to the sins we'll commit, the life long sorrow it can cause.
I wonder if that's how God sees us. That we haven't allowed ourselves to be adopted, but have only become His 'foster children'. We don't claim the family heritage and stay forever. Instead, we come into His family, while looking back at our old one. Hoping that it will become better while we're with God, and we'll just be able to go back into it like we were before. Except now instead of sinners, we'll be ' a good person'.
I don't want to be Gods foster child. I want to know I'm here for good. A part of His family. I want to forget about my former life surrounded by sin, and evil. And erase my last name with all it's ties to it's heritage of sin, and fully embrace a new name written in Glory. His name.
To add into that - the best part of it? When you go to court to adopt a foster child - the child doesn't have to prove anything. The future parent only has to show that they have fulfilled every requirement necessary to make this child their own. And then show documentation that the childs former life has proved worthless. The judge considers it, and both parties agree to the adoption (both parent and child) and a new name is written down.