Sunday, February 24, 2008

Why I stopped walking.

I've been thinking about why I've stopped writing. I love to write, there's nothing like the feeling of completion that comes from writing several paragraphs that totally express you. It's a rush. It's a feeling of satisfaction. It's a good feeling.

And, for the moment I paused to think about it, I realized I wasn't writing about my walk anymore because I wasn't walking.
I've crashed flat on my nose and I'm not getting up. A friends husband recently had a stroke, and she was trying to describe the look of panic on his face when he had something to express but his motor skills just wouldn't let it happen. I've gone through all the actions to stand up and carry on, only to find that I haven't moved an inch, and it does generate panic.

For months I've ripped my heart out to God just asking what it is He wants that I'm not giving, or what is He trying to teach me? Cause I'm not getting it. I'm just... not... getting it.

I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hurting.

As I went through the afternoon, I told God all sorts of things only to finally find myself saying that I love Him, but I don't believe in Him anymore.
And then tonight at church, everyone was in tears except me and I felt like rock, because I was hardening my heart against it all because I knew if I start crying then and there, that I was going to break... again. And it seems like all I've done the last 6 months is break. And when I think I can't break any more, I shatter once again. I've offered my heart to God before to break it, make it tender, but I always assumed He'd restore when He broke it. And I just can't seem to reach that point.

I don't what else to do. I've tried everything else. Everything. I'm tired of going to church and pretending a lie. I don't want to lie. And all through church, I'm singing, saying, and playing things that I don't believe anymore.

Little One leaves this Friday, and once she's gone, I won't be back to church. I never imagined a time in my life when I could walk away from church. It's my family. It's my home. But I can't keep going the way things are. Somethings got to give.

I know. I'm a self-absorbed ninny that wouldn't last a day under real persecution. Trust me, when you're laying on the ground not getting up, you call yourself every name in the world.

What is God doing? And why won't He stop?

1 comment:

Linda said...

Perhaps, just maybe, God isn't finished with you yet. You asked to be broken and made more tender. He's doing it, but it's not a kind process. I have been at a place where I said, "Enough, God! I understand!" His response was,"No you don't. Not yet." He knows what we need. You have not stopped walking. You are learning to walk. Or maybe learning again. Keep going, sister.