I want to see a change. I've read too much, known too much, to be able to be comfortable with where I am spiritually. It's...well, where I was before.
But some things seem beyond me to change.
So tonight, I went to God and I told Him I didn't know how to do it. I wanted it, craved it, and admittedly was a little nervous about it, but I felt unsatisfied with the idea of things staying the same. And I said SHOW ME what to do.
So I walked into my room, picked up my bible, opened it up and put my finger down.
I admit, I half expected to discover I was in some obscure passage like "objimyaka begat eriumadab".
But instead, I looked to discover that my finger was right underneath the very word... the. very. word. that told me what I was suppose to do. And the verse beneath the one I was reading finished with the promise of what would happen if I did it.
Not only that, but it was a noticeable push that reminded me that God had already spoken to me about doing what this verse prescribed, I had just allowed life to get in the way and prevent me from doing it.
God not only answers our prayers, but He answers our questions too.
I write this also to make another point.
Life has become so serious.
When I looked and discovered my finger under the. very. word. of answer that I needed to see, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
In that instant, there was the sparking of hope and joy.
In the sober, get through the day, life I've been living, that spark... well it made me want to turn the gas on for next time that spark came around.
Friday night, I put Little One into the car with her parents, and drove straight to my church sat down in the darkness and cried. I asked God all the questions I've asked Him before. Why would you choose me for this? Why would you do this to my heart? Then I stopped asking questions... the answers didn't really matter at that moment anyway, and I told Him bluntly that it hurt.
And from that weekend to now, I've felt a difference. I've felt Him. And it didn't feel like I was alone in the hurt anymore.
I've been finding it hard to testify at church. Most there don't know the different things I've struggled with lately and my testimonies wouldn't quite make sense or they'd end up too long winded if I tried.
So this whole post is one big testimony. It's my testimony. I'm a witness to something that I have to tell someone about.
God's been good to me.
That's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth - so help me God.