Sunday, September 21, 2008

This Confusing Walk

If this is really my "walk" then I'm walking in circles.

I've been working at censoring myself ever since that one meaningful discussion where the phrase "Speak that which is precious" planted and rooted itself firmly in my brain. So, this last week, a very frustrating week for me spiritually, I just haven't posted because I didn't know how I could post anything precious.

This post isn't going to be precious I suppose, but it isn't going to fit under the heading of the "not which is foolish" at least.

I'm confused. I've had times in my Christian walk where I didn't understand things, where things hurt, where I was upset by the way God worked things out, and such - but never have I felt so wrapped up, twisted up, tangled up on my own paths before.

I felt certain I was to leave my church, so prepared myself to do just that.
I left. I started meeting with people in my house for a small worship service and discussion - God so far has blessed that. Not to some great degree, but it's a slow process and so far everyone is willing. And God has definitely moved.
I started meeting a family in their house for Sunday School (not on a Sunday) and so far God blessed that. Our one meeting so far was really really pleasant. It went better than I expected.
When I originally left the church , I told my pastor that I really believed that this time would be a time of growth for the church. And now, 3 weeks later I walked back in the doors to discover that a new couple has joined the church, a family of 3 that I didn't know had come in to visit, and a big family was there checking out the church because they might move to this area and become our youth pastors.
Did I mention I'd only been gone 3 weeks?

I was there today though, because the very first week after I left my church, Little One, my former foster daughter that I still get to visit each week and am in close contact with her family, said something about seeing my pastor and so her parents asked if they could go to church with me.
And now they're talking about coming back regularly.

Just like today, if they are there, there is no way that I would be anywhere else but in the corner with them being as supportive as I can. Doing anything else is not even a consideration.

I feel like I'm suppose to be there, but somehow not be there. What? God? What?
Today in this walk, the path is simply confusing.


I wish I knew what God really wanted me to be doing. Whatever it is, I'll do it. At the moment it looks like the greatly confusing idea of going back. And I just hate that I put others through this confusion only to end up turning around. And that's if I end up turning around.

I went to pray tonight, and I was telling God that I wish He'd just tell me, clearly, what to do. What is His actual will for this situation, the church, the people, my niece and nephew, my 'foster family'. I could have swore He came back with "You won't listen." To which I replied that I would, if He'd just speak clearly so I'd understand and know for sure it was Him and what He wanted.
Immediately the words "Matthew 16:18" popped into my head. I don't know what it is, so I stopped talking to Him and went for a bible.
It says this:

"And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it."

Sounds like a great verse doesn't it?
But, I'm not a Peter. And God isn't building His church through me. And right now, the gates of hell seem to be prevailing over and over again. This verse just doesn't seem to fit me.

I don't know anymore. But I want to know, I want to understand, I want to be in His will, and I want to drag as many others into the peace of His will as I can.
But for right now, I just want to know where I'm suppose to go to church next Sunday.

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