Sunday, February 25, 2007

My last night

I'm in a strange room. It's the same room I've been in for the last 1,862 days and nights, but it doesn't feel the same.

The tv stand, once packed with videos, tv, cd player, cd's and more, now sits in it's corner empty with strange dusty squares that show were stuff once was. The bookcase, once overflowing with books sits empty as well. I remember emptying that case and painfully chosing books to give away or sell, just so I wouldn't move them. Even if I didn't enjoy the book much, it still hurt to part with it.

The walls that once displayed my extremely varied tasted in art - they're all empty now. My desk looks strangest of all with every last scrap of 'stuff' gone except the bare basics to make my computer run. And even that will be gone in a few hours time.

Five years doesn't seem like that long. Everyone else in my family has been stationary for longer. My brother and his family are working on 9 or 10 years in their home, my parents have been in their home for over 15. In the last 10 years I've moved 4 times. This will be my fifth.

The last several days as my home has slowly emptied and been packed away, I couldn't help feeling a little bit lost. Everyone looks forward to going home at the end of the day. But until things settle down, neither the old house or the new house feels like home.

As I drove to church, I was talking to God about losing that sense of being at home, of not having that place that I can go to and call my own for awhile. That's when the words to an old hymn came to my mind. "Anywhere is home, let come and go what may; Anywhere I roam, He keeps me all the way; So for His dear sake, my cross I’ll meekly bear;Anywhere is home, if Christ, my Lord, is there."

Tomorrow is the day that I move, and I'm ready for it. Because until that day, I can't unpack my things and begin making the new place 'home'. I'm anxious for that day, and I'm willing to do whatever needs to be done to expedite the process and make sure everything necessary is taken care of to ensure everything is done right. And it's that very attitude that makes me wonder if the whole process is wrong to begin with.

The bible makes it clear that this world doesn't have a home for me; that I should feel uncomfortable here. That I should be constantly striving and making sure I've done everything I can to have everything and everyone around me ready for the day of a much greater move; our final move. There's nothing inherently wrong with what I'm doing, but I believe there is a danger to it. There's danger in making a comfortable spot for yourself here on earth, because when you do that, you lose the sense of urgency, the sense of longing, and you accept something that is second rate.

It's much like sating your hunger with a peanut butter sandwich, just before the Thanksgiving dinner. With that sandwich you're able to set aside your hunger that would have you going to the cook every five minutes asking if it's ready yet.

I don't want to set aside my hunger. And if a bunch of foolish knickknacks tempt me to do that, then they need to go.

Tonight, I don't feel like a pilgrim in search of a city. But I understand what that should feel like just a little bit better. And that's why I'm longing for home. I just hope I don't set my heart into my earthly home and forget to keep my heart longing for that final home. My earthly home will have to do though, and it will do - temporarily - if Christ My Lord is there.

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