Thoughts on church and a prayer and change.

Update: When I think of them, I'm randomly adding names to this post. If you would like your name added, just leave a comment.

I've heard, and even repeated the statement before that you can't love God, and hate His bride. And I don't think I hate the church of people... but I walk into that building and often I feel a compression that shrinks down who I am, and what I long to become in God and leaves me feeling a little empty. It's no ones fault, unless I choose to blame myself for it.

I've always been a difficult person. Wanting things, yet completely unable to express what it is I'm wanting. I want big, and small, powerful and wonderfully simple. I want meaningful.
I want God.

This love/hate relationship I have with Church.... I wish it would end. And, as I forever try to 'fix' myself, I wonder about the different ways to stop shrinking when I walk in those doors.

At the same time, it almost seems ungrateful and wrong to use the word 'shrink' when God has worked so much in the last 3 years.

Today, in this very hour, I do feel grateful. I know despite my seemingly incessant hairpulling and groaning, that God has brought me out. I step out, free, and liberated today and simply pray He keeps the wolves of sin from me. The fears and doubts and protective wall that I so diligently guard myself with leave me bitter and frustrated. I choose better. I choose God.
Let me trust so much that I become trust.
Let me believe so much that I become belief.
Let me be so open that I become openness itself.
Let me love so wholly, that I become as Christ.

I do see the new year as opportunity for new beginnings. But I don't want to wait to start those beginnings. I want them now December 28th. May I climb the tree of Life as happy as a child. May I sit as a work wearied laborer under it's branches and find it as refreshing as cool clear water. May I trust in the roots, and find joy in every leaf and find complete nourishment in it's fruit.

Let my soul be satisfied in You Oh Lord. I pray that You would occupy my vision until the things of this world become things seen only through You rather than around You or instead of You. That my words to others would first pass the filter of You. I pray with each and every passing day that I become ever increasingly lost in You, till I wonder what is me, and what is Thee.
I pray Your love and mercies sustain me, and that I would never again doubt in the darkness the decisions I've made in the light. I pray Your right hand of righteousness would uphold me, and I pray for courage as I face the times I desperately need to be upheld.
Help me to no longer trust in this world for my hope. But for You alone to be my hope. That said, I pray my heart would constantly and prayerfully hope for the world.

Consume me Father, consume every fiber of my doubts and fears and each sin that comes between me and You. Until I cannot help but give you all I am, because You are all I desire.
I pray that Christ would be lifted up in this broken and hurting world as Your day of return is ever closer. That all might see. That all might know.

I pray this same prayer for each of these:
Angelica
David
Bella
Marisella
Elyana
Shawna
Phoenix
J.W
Glenda
Linda K.
Linda S.
Will
Steve
Layvon
Nancy M.
Smokey
Cherry
Nancy
Ted
Marie
Grover
Kristi
Seth
John
Rachel
Jeremiah
Allison
David
Liberty
Scott
Dustin
Madison
Deborah M.
Deborah U.
Heber
Haley
Erica
Josh
Zach
Mark
Shelly
Mike B.
Cathy
Deann
Miles
Roger
Jason

Consume them, uphold them, burn away in them the dross that stands between them and Your absolute glory.
Open our eyes Lord, until all we seek is You. Then Father, oh that we might find You one day in the fullness of Your glory and grace. May we revel and wonder every moment of every day.
Oh Father that it might be according to Your will.

What will you become?

Let us pray so much that we become Prayer. Let us laugh so much, O God, that we become Laughter. Let us sing so much that we become Song. Let us give so much that we become Gift.

found on Mollys blog.

Making headlines.

My school/work made ESPN news. God did too.

Be of good courage

My car is fixed, my plumbing is fixed, and new measures have been taken to keep my pipes from freezing on me again. I've accepted the job offer, and will start the new job January 12th, but will also be working part time in the evenings to keep the timekeeping up at my old job until my replacement is hired, because everything is crazy there and no one has time to take on my work.

If you've been reading my blog, surely you've seen that physical problems are rarely my biggest struggle. I struggle with believing God, trusting God and simply resting in His promises. So, while it's nice that the physical problems are coming together, they are nothing compared to the relief of every step I take that gets me back closer to the relationship I used to have with God.

So.

Tonight, I went to church. My empty quiet church, lit by Christmas lights. I went and I prayed, and I believed, and I yelled, and I cried - the good kind of tears.
llnw (I know this character only by his/her isp name) but they consistently go to previous posts of mine that speak to me, just at the right time.

Tonight, after a long absence I found he/she had returned and I found llnw had led me to a post I wrote back in 2007 whose primary message is this:

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalms 27:14

And I said "I'll wait."

I believe that something happened tonight... I'm not sure what it was exactly, but something happened tonight. Maybe I didn't change anything important to anyone else, maybe the whole matter was that I needed something to change in me in order to be able to pray, and believe, and yell and cry in all the best ways, rather than writhing in the torment of doubt and fear.

And I guess, coming home, it was nice to see that reminder. It's not wait and be afraid. It's wait, have courage and He shall strengthen thine heart.
Isn't that interesting? You would think that if you were 'of good courage' you wouldn't be in need of God to "strengthen thine heart".

But it's like saying "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief".

Be of good courage.

And He'll strengthen your heart.

Maybe He strengthens your heart in different ways. Maybe there is a profound statement one of you will give me that will clarify the whole idea. Or maybe it's just that courage is a mental thing. You set your mind to mentally persevere in the face of danger, and bad circumstances - and God will strengthen your heart.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. Ephesians 3:20,21

Now that's awesome

Like SLW posted, this is just too cool not to pass on. Just hit play.



Upside Down from Pace Hartfield on Vimeo.

What does God say?

Jon, over at Stuff Christians Like, wrote a great post "Fixing Our Motives" and I want to give you the snippet of what he thinks God might say to him. Please stop by and read the whole post though, it's terrific.

Don't you see what you're doing? This is the enemy's favorite lie. This is the idea of needing something else when you've already got me. This is the same lie that he told in the garden. Adam and Eve already had my presence, but he told them there is something they were missing. This is simply a way for the enemy to put conditions on something that is unconditional, my love. What you're saying is that your motives aren't pure. They aren't noble. You come to me with a wish list sometimes. Your heart is in the wrong place. You feel guilty and distraught, because your heart isn't right. Well stop. Stop thinking you must stand outside my presence waiting until you have the right motives to come in. You will never be noble enough on your own to come into my presence. That is why I sent Christ. You will never have a heart that is pure enough before you can come into my presence. I alone can purify and sanctify your heart. That is something that happens in me and through me, never before me. I make motives noble. I make hearts pure. Not you.

No really, WOW.

I don't have a single complaint.

Sure things are a little crazy right now, but I don't have a single complaint.

Even yesterday, I think my one major complaint was that I was not clean. I guess you don't realize how important that is to you until you find yourself without water to clean yourself. Even brushing your teeth is not as good if you don't have any way to rinse and spit.

Today, I'm finally clean and I have water. I'm thankful for water.

My car isn't fixed yet, but it will be. The mechanic said one half shaft on my car was bad. And the other one (the one I said needed to be looked at), he said he didn't know how it was holding onto my wheel.

My car, didn't lose a wheel going down the road. I'm thankful for that.

Sometime around 4am Thursday the belt that connects with my alternator fell off. I had enough battery power to make it till about 10am. It could have just as easily stranded me, with no lights or power at all, at 5am. In the middle of the road with no lights to warn people that I was there. When it did die, I even had a battery in the trunk to put in so I was able to drive my car (very little) until it got to the mechanics shop.

My car had many bad times in which it could have run out of power. Instead, it ran out at the most perfect time I could imagine - and gave me enough time to make arrangements for it to be fixed the next day. I'm thankful for that.

And right now, in this horrible economy I've got 3 different jobs to pick and choose what I want to do, for how many hours, and for how much money. I'm not only thankful, but acknowledge that I am profoundly blessed.

It seems like there are a lot of problems, but in reality they are all just small things. Some of my most major problems required a 3 dollar part, and a 20 dollar part. But it's easy to focus on them.

I was watching the skit by Lifehouse today. I've posted it before, and watched it over and over again because I appreciate the reminder of how things get between us and God. But in the skit it talks about how the teen is struggling against things standing between her and God: men, alcohol, money, looks, until finally a despair and inability to cope comes on her and she considers suicide. I don't care if you've seen the video before, go watch it again. It's good.

Despite feeling a little tossed about in the waves of one thing after another, I thought about how in our lives little things can come between God and me too if I'm not careful. Maybe it's not alcohol, maybe it's a huge bill that needs to be paid. Maybe it's not money, but it's a neighbor that's harassing you. Maybe it's not men, but it is your busy schedule.

I focus in on details sometimes, I need to buy weatherstripping, I need to do laundry, I need to clean house better, I need to paint or fix a door, when's the last time I washed my car? when do the kids come? have I done enough, said enough, talked to the person that needed talking to, where will I, how will I, when will I, who will I, what will I? Until my thoughts are so consumed with daily life, that I've completely forgotten about a better one.

Life this week has just been tiring. But it was important to remember, that even though I was unhappy about not being clean - everything that was happening was just extra in a life that has been blessed. This week, my little hedge of protection meant that my car could go down, but it wasn't allowed to hurt me.

I cannot complain. I've nothing to complain about. God's been good.
And the best part is, I actually mean that.

Wow

I don't smell nice.

I've been out of water since Tuesday when it all froze in the pipe.
I got it unfrozen, unfortunately when I did that, it unfroze on full blast and won't go off.
My own attempts at repairs were going well until an unfortunate move sent a geyser flooding into my bathroom.

Then I received word that I was being offered a new job.
Then two lights (brakes and alternator) went on in my car, and a wheel started knocking.


Then the car died.


Then I realized my kitten was pregnant. What nasty Tom went after this poor kit?


Then, some lady walked into my office and showed me horrific pictures of kids that are "cutters". It came out of no where and was entirely unnecessary and almost insane that she shoved this paper in my face and continued describing horrible things to me - me, someone who only wanted her signature on hiring papers.


All within 3 days.

I need a nap.

Thoughts on grace.

I never once imagined that I'd find within myself any scrap of thankfulness for all the doubt and fears of the last year.

And yet, here I am. Thankful. Not overly so, I'm not crazy... but these months have done a great deal to break me. I remember the tears and frustration before I came to Christ for this personal relationship. And suddenly, 6 years later, I was at that exact same point again.
Only, this time it accompanied with it the fact that I was not supposed to question the things I was questioning. It's not right, it's not good. It's not something you're suppose to do 6 years down the road.

But, sitting here now, I've been considering the amazing fact of my sins, my anger and violence towards God, has separated me from the presence of God but not the grace of God. And even in that, I believe I would be spending far more precious time within His presence if I were simply able to put aside the last year.

Carmen wrote a song once called "The River" Its' lyrics say:
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter where you've been
It doesn't matter what the scar
It doesn't matter what the sin
It doesn't matter how you failed
Somewhere along the way
There is healing for your life today.

(it goes on, you can read all the lyrics here)

But, pushing all those thoughts together I considered that my sins don't matter to God.
And now I'll say, OF COURSE my sins matter to God.
But, at the same time, MY sins don't matter to God.
Maybe... keep in mind this is all just theory and conjecture from someone who cries far too much lately.

But, my sins, I often think are something new. They're MY sins. I own the sin, and no one else in the world could possibly have my complex combination of shame and guilt, and fear and doubt and stubbornness etc. etc. etc.
But, since the creation of the world my Father has been watching sin destroy people. Much the same way we watch cancer destroy people now. While everyone asks where the cancer is found, what specific part is it attacking - we all know that most cancer, if left untreated spells death to whomever it touched. The only way to ward it off is violent and painful, extraordinarily expensive and often life changing treatments. The fact that it is in the stomach, colon, lungs... are mere details.

Yet, we define our sins by those details. And I wonder if God just sees the spirit-destroying cancer that is, just as it's aforementioned counterpart, spreading.

Whatever our sin, the cure is still the same. It is costly, life-changing, and most profoundly painful.

But God, somehow in His ways that I don't understand, separated me from my sin. While I writhed in the pain of my sin, separating myself from so many people - He still held onto me. He saw my sin, my struggle as something simply to be gone through.
In this age of divorce, such a commitment would be compared to a couple making it through an affair. Trust broken, anger, lies, and vile things entering into such a blessed union - yet love and absolute unwavering commitment holds the one partner to completely forgive.

Herein lies the problem.

The adulterous spouse, will never find that blessed peaceful happiness they once had with their committed spouse - until they forgive themselves. A fact that will grieve both spouses equally.

In my world, sin comes at a physical cost.
My Savior confuses me and I struggle at the difficult notion of "No child, it's free to you, I've paid the price already."

In my world, sin is never forgotten.
My Savior, watches as I stand guarded, waiting for Him to remind me of old sins each time He sees new ones.

But in my world also, no one would have held onto me after this last year.
None.
But He did.

So tonight, my humbled prayer is simply this:
Father, help me to find the depths of pleasure I once found in our walk together. Help me to embrace Your simple and perfect love, and let go of my distorted views on it. Help me to let go of the sins that only I hold so tightly between us. Thank You Father, for holding onto me and never letting go. You have truly made me wonder, "What can separate me from the love of Christ?"

To connect these thoughts somewhat, there is a great post over at "Christ The Truth" called "Sinning really isn't the worst thing."
It's a good read, and connects with what I'm thinking out loud in this post quite well.

A quote

The struggles you’re facing don’t disprove God’s promises.
They’re the very reason He made the promises to begin with.
Pastor Steven Furtick

Trusting when the streets are closed.

It was right after a Christmas parade, I was driving my niece and nephew home. The regular streets were all closed because of the parade, so I was taking a roundabout way to their house.
All of a sudden, despite having already understood that we were going to their house, my nephew asked me "Where are we going?"

"We're going to your house" I said.
"This isn't the right way."

Even as I explained about the streets being closed, I realized how much he sounded like me.

"Let's go somewhere God."
......This way
"This isn't the right way."

My big and powerful God.

I can't say that tomorrow I won't wake up struggling against the pricks again, but this week the quietness has continued.
I've spent the week settling back into my old routines. I'm reading my bible again. I read before, but it was always in preparation for either the services at my house, or the meetings held in someone elses home. It was not for personal gain or to see Jesus better. It was because I had to.

And in this quietness, I'm thinking about my great big God, and wondering if in my quest for spiritual gifts and maturity, and the ability to change the world, if I shrunk Him down into something that I should be able to control and make demands of.

I want my great big God back.

This last year hurt, and I wondered if maybe I just missed the boat and it was too soon for me to be a foster parent. Maybe I just wasn't mature enough to handle the stress and emotions of it. I still want my Bell back so much it hurts.
Or maybe this is all just part of the shaking up that comes with growing up.
Or maybe the whole struggling year has just been me being stupid and stubborn.

In the aftermath of my bitter barb that I slung at God, I was instantly sorry. I regretted it. The bible tells me that my heart controls my words, and even though this word never was verbally spoken, the bible also tells me that He knows my thoughts. And in the quietness where my thoughts gathered I realized, I really love God.

I've never understood love very well. Never been sure of it, never trusted in it. People say they love you all the time, and it means virtually nothing. And I confess, I've wondered if I was capable of it. You have emotions, and sometimes you think it's love but it's not - maybe it's just affection, or just that you enjoy someones company, it could be many things - are you sure it's love? I wasn't. Never have been.

I've said I love God so many times, but what I felt after that hurtful barb... thinking about it later I just knew, I felt that way because I really did love Him. I wished He couldn't have heard that thought. I wish I'd never have thought it. And I didn't wish those things because I didn't want to hurt Gods feelings (is that even possible?) but because I loved Him.

It's hard to explain why I would have thought such a hurtful thing if I loved Him. I don't know the answer to that. I just know it's true. God has been good to me. He's comforted me, protected me, taught me, filled me with the Holy Ghost, spoke to me, healed me, and loved me. And while trust has never come easy for me, and so often my trust in Him has faltered (or even crashed and burned), I still want to trust Him with my life.

He loves me too. I'm sitting here, saved by precious grace and I know I've given Him many a reason to revoke that salvation. But He didn't. I deserve a lot worse that this patience He's shown me. But instead He's hung on for the ride and somehow held on to me. I'm saved. Not of works that I could still be proud of it, but by grace.

There is a lot to think about - but for the most part I just want to keep being quiet. I'm tired of all the doubts, the struggle and confusion. I'm ok with trying to just keep my heart and mind quiet, and asking God to show Himself to me. Not in the form of powerful works and wonders, but just in the form of who He is.
I want to get reacquainted with my big and powerful God.

You can't call back thoughts

I said something I shouldn't have said.

I actually didn't even say it - I just thought it, the entire conversation took place in the confines of my head or maybe my heart... I can never tell anymore.

The thought had no more completed itself when I felt sincere regret. It's rare for me to say something to someone just to hurt. But that is all this thought could have accomplished.

And at the same time, I realized how childish I was being not just in that moment... but for the last year. I don't understand, I'm not getting my way, and so I'm acting the same as any child who did not get a much coveted toy.

But it's one of the few times that I truly and deeply regretted something I'd said -

to God.

So far, that event has quieted me. Though, I know others believe I've crossed the line with God before in my anger, this is the first time that I knew without a doubt that I had.
And it's not that I felt His anger over it, or felt afraid for my salvation, I just felt regret.
And I really don't like regret.

And for me, it took the violent wind out of my sails and left me with only quietness. I've been up and down a lot lately, so blissfully happy I can barely stand it, and then something else will happen and I'll find myself literally sick with fear and frustration.

But in the last few days as I quietly thought about the God I'd slung my hurtful thoughts at, I found myself watching these three videos - Awesome God , Psalms 139, Agnus Dei.
And in my sad quieted spirit, I considered how God is whatever He says He is, even when I doubt, even when I fear, even when I'm so frustrated I want to give up.

We read this morning from Psalms 46, and I had to consider the God of whom it speaks that "The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted." That's not the small God that I'm slinging my foolish words to.
And to the great God, that I don't deserve to have hear me, I found myself speaking the first words in those chapter - with my own meanings.

God please be my refuge and strength, be my strength I need you to be a very present help in trouble. God, I'm so afraid, Help me not to fear, though violence come near and though my peace be as far away as the sea;

And God... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Morality

I thought this was a very interesting article.

"Doing the right thing is worth money in the bank"


(HT: Byron Smith)

Worship

I don't know what happened on Sunday, but despite the fact that the day was going along just splendidly, it felt as though discouragement just reached out and hit me on the head.
There was nothing obvious to be discouraged over, and I was not discouraged about anything in particular, it just felt as though life was just too hard.

So I took a page from Davids book, and told my soul "Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me".

And you know what? Nothing changed. You'd expect this to be an encouraging post that said "Oh, I just told myself to bless God, and suddenly the joy of the Lord was my strength!"
But it doesn't always work that way. The important thing, to me, and God, was that while I might not be able to physically change my emotions, or my own heart, I have authority over them. My heart may not have the strength to be thankful, but my heart can't refuse to allow my mouth to bless God. So I can still do my part, because of the spirit that is in me that is willing - even though sometimes my flesh is weak.

It kind of ties into something that I've been thinking about for a couple of weeks now.

Every night almost, I sit down to my piano and just take a time of praise and worship. It turns into prayers, or just songs, sometimes it just ends in silent contemplation. It's an enjoyable time any way I look at it.

There are sometimes, though, that I sit down and close my eyes, and as I begin to play you can just feel Gods presence. Those are the times that by the end, my hearts been broken, or Gods spoken to me about something, or He will tell me of a verse and when I look it up I'll have insight as to what it means that I had never caught before. Those times are amazing. Those times can go on, easily, for a couple of hours.

But on the nights when I don't feel that, I can get up 20-30 minutes later and just go back to my routine.

Hold that thought....

A couple of months back, I was in a really good song service, and the lady sitting next to me wasn't singing. She was holding my foster daughter in her arms and entertaining her during the song service rather than entering in to the service.
When we talked about it later, she said that the service wasn't moving her and that's why she didn't enter in. It wasn't her type of music and it didn't do anything for her.

Immediately I frowned, (it's a good thing we were on the phone) and I thought "there's something wrong with that". Worship, shouldn't be about you receiving. You're coming to give the worship.

Let me say that again, YOU are coming to HIM to give HIM the WORSHIP.

But when I looked at my habits in playing the piano... I can worship God longer when He does something for me. I speak this to my own shame. No one elses.
I think we're all just mixed up, tangled up, in our own self-indulgent self-seeking ways so our worship has become just that. OUR worship. Not His.

When we go to worship (and I'm certainly a chief sinner in this area) if it doesn't speak to me, if it doesn't move me, if it doesn't excite me or resonate with something I'm feeling - then I don't give it my all. "Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me."

God is worthy of my sincerest, most heartfelt, most passionate, most worshipful, my highest praise - even if I don't like the way the words are arranged, the tune it's sung to, the tempo, or if it's been sung 27 times before. On number 28 I should be singing to bless the Lord with all that is within me.

Period.

I'm a part of the new worship movement. I enjoy contemporary fast songs,and the new worship songs that are coming out. I love the choruses, the hymns, and awesome praise and worship. That's a good thing, but it's also an obstacle to overcome. Because all that is about what I love. I really don't think God cares. It's all praise to Him. But sometimes I get wrapped up in "why aren't they singing like they mean it?" I condemn others for singing "Oh I want to see Him" like they're singing about how much they want to see their dentist - rather than the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And I do that to the point that I fail to worship myself.

I don't want this blog to be about just condemning myself - but sticking with the "walk" theme... sometimes I see scenery along this walk that I don't think would be on the main road God would have me to be on. Maybe I'm still going the right direction, but instead of walking on the road He'd have me be on, I'm shuffling through the grass off to the side and every now and then a correction needs to be made to get me on track.

I thank God, as I said in a previous post, that He is so good to teach me. He teaches me when I'm just plain foolish and stubborn. He is good. He is kind. He is gracious. He's a comforter when I'm sad and discouraged and His word is an ever present reminder of why I have no reason to be downcast, if I put my trust in God.

God is good.

And speaking of mood songs... I thought you might enjoy this old treat. It's what this post made me think of:

My sidebar

There were a few really good posts that went through this week.
None of them were on my blog though. :)
But I linked to them at least!

If you look on my sidebar, in the box titled "flyawaynets shared items", there's a link to some of the things I've found in blogs this week that I thought really stood out.

The highest ranking one though (for me anyway) is the one titled "The Bible, slip sliding away"

It's short, so it won't take you but about 2 minutes to read it. But it was certainly poignant.

If you can spare a moment, I hope you'll give it a click to see what it's all about.

A confession and a question...

I'd like some help if anyone knows the answer to this question.

I love symbolism. I love analogies. I appreciate the ability to use words in such a way that if you considered them the had more than one meaning (and I don't mean in a devious way).
I like having to think about what people said.

That said, I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't have a clue what Casting Crowns is talking about when they ask "how far the east is from the west, from one scarred hand to another"

I sing along to the song, and I appreciate the fact that I should get the phrase... but I just don't.
I don't get it.

Can anyone enlighten me?

Here's the whole chorus, and a link to the song "East to West" in case you somehow haven't heard it.

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west' cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again in the arms of Your mercy I find rest' cause You know just how far the east is from the west from one scarred hand to the other

Lose your waste

I'll tell you right off the bat, this is a post that may only interest me.

I've worked diligently. And this is what I've got.

The blasted tv I bought, that jacked my electric bill up to $250, has been managed. The bill (which is an entire city bill including water, sewage, trash and electricity) was only $86 dollars and some change this month. The number one thing that helped was to begin to get consistent about unplugging the tv & dvd player not just turning it off. I've even done the same thing with my microwave. It only takes a moment, though I'm not as consistent about the microwave. It's a little harder to remember.

Beyond that, hypermiling is really working. I regularly got between 27 & 33mpg before, and now I'm getting between 39 and the highest I've gotten is 42.5 (a number I get more often as I get better at the techniques). It certainly helps that the gas prices have gone down. :) I paid less than 20 bucks for gas this week (the whole week). It made me happy. :)

Lights don't stay on in my house unless there is a need for it. In the daytime, I don't typically have them on unless I'm trying to read and it just isn't bright enough.
And now I'm researching switching to cell phone only and ditching my home phone.
That's the one that makes me a little sad, I like having a regular line, but I'm pretty sure I will get used to it. Once I stop frowning at it.

This whole thing isn't about depriving myself. But, if you look at your life, there's a lot of excess. If you have a cell phone, where someone can reach you all the time, do you really need a home phone? I'm not saying you do or you don't, I'm just bringing the question out for you to think about. I currently have internet, and phone with Verizon for about $90, and my cell phone is a pay as you go thing (which is ok since I rarely use it) and I usually have to "top up" which costs 32.50 every 2-3 mos. So lets call that $100 for phone/internet.
I researched T-Mobile and found a $50 plan that was right for me (am I sounding like a commercial) and if I switch my internet to Suddenlink, it can get a monthly rate of $20. Which is $70 + tax for my phone.

A savings of approximately $30. A total of $360 per year.

These little things are making a difference in my finances. It's fun to watch. And the main thing I hope to really take away from all this is just a simple awareness. I don't want to waste. And when you really start looking at it, you realize that you waste a lot, a lot. And in some cases, that waste costs you money. I don't want to waste stuff, I don't want to waste money.

I would call it being a good steward, but that sounds phony. It sounds like trying to make things sound religious, or putting a spiritual spin on something just... normal. So the goal, is nothing more special than just seeing how much stuff I can not waste. It's most easily measured by seeing the bills lower, or dividing the number of miles driven by the amount of gas purchased.

There are a lot of other things you can do to save money, and a ton of great articles about it. But one of the things I've learned is to not get wrapped up trying to do all of the suggestions. But to fiddle around until you find the ones that you can live with doing.

Long story short, all of your resources are gifts from God. I've been thinking about the parable of the talents, and I know the symbolism and I get the "heavenly meaning" in the "earthly story" but, at the same time I wondered what would happen if the master gave us talents to invest... would he return years later to find that we'd not only spent his talent, but used the income to qualify for a house too expensive for us, and a credit card with a $50,000 limit?

I don't know. And I don't want to condemn myself and just writhe underneath that burden. But I do want to do better. God is good to teach me.

Goodbye tree

So sometime during the night my tree had something like a heart attack. While it appeared healthy enough, it simply keeled over and died....
Right on my neighbors fence.
Fortunately, he'd built a strong one.
I'm planning on cremation.

So, I rolled up my sleeves and searched my house for a cutting object

Yeah.. that's a hacksaw. And no, it is NOT meant to cut trees.It took 10 full minutes to get that deep, so I headed off to the hardware store and found a saw. Isn't it pretty. :) Note the handy words like "fast" "efficient"

I then buckled down and determined to be more stubborn than the tree, and after a few hours I managed to get this

And this!

I sucked down some caffeine and finally I accomplished this:

Doesn't it look like someones burying themselves in a pile of leaves? Can't you see the legs sticking up in the air?

Now the area is completely cleared (I'll update with a picture later hopefully) since a chainsaw finally showed up and chopped things up into firewood.

I'm sorely disappointed to have lost my tree. It was a beautiful apricot tree. I'll be looking into planting a new one in it's place but I'm trying to decide which kind. So far, amongst voters, the top three picks are apricot, plum and peach.

Any advice?

76 Signs.

A month or so back, a co-worker of mine, Nancy, was having a special guest speaker at a womens group she organizes. She made sure I knew this was going to be a great event (though to be honest, she's said that every time) (also being honest, I don't doubt her).
She consistently bemoans the fact that my work keeps me from attending her group. And regularly mentions that 'someday' that is flittering around in the future when I might be able to go to one of her groups meetings.

Since I didn't get to go hear her last special speaker, she ordered cd's, a dvd, and a book. All of which she gave to me to read and watch first, before she passed it along to someone else that could use it. I did read and watch... all the while under her consistent questioning of "have you started the book yet? did you see the dvd?"

She has a good thing going, an exciting thing, and she wants me to be able to experience it. It's obvious. It was as plain as day that she'd found something very exciting and she really wanted to share it with me.

The book was every bit as good as she made it out to be by the way, as were the cd and dvd's.

...

I've recently met Ed. He visited my blog today and commented so I went to check out his blog "cross the road" and in scanning his posts he had one that really caught my eye. It was called "The never-ending invitation." In it he mentions a 325 mile journey in which he saw 76 billboards for a store called "Wall Drug". Sure enough, when he reached the city the store was located in, he made a point to see the store that would put up so many signs.

His point, in his post was that no matter how many times people reject his invitations to church and such, sometimes it pays to keep asking.

....

If I knew a physical person, that could do everything, loved, worked, and spoke like Jesus does there is no end to how obnoxious I would become until you gave in to go with me to meet him.
And I wouldn't be doing it to be obnoxious. I'd just be doing it because... well, because I couldn't not do it.