I'd originally planned to have today (Monday) off work because I didn't know where I would be with my dad's surgery. But, we arrived back home on Friday, and I even returned to my home on Friday as well. His healing progress has been simply amazing. But, despite some random trips and chores to help out, I've had a very long weekend to myself. I was able to arrange my return to work to come tomorrow (Tuesday) rather than the original return date of Wednesday, but unfortunately (listen to me!) 'unfortunately' I only have a certain number of vacation days I can roll over. So I had to use up some and stay at home today.
In the quiet of a very rare weekday at home, I did a lot of thinking.
I don't know how this post will come off, I never do. Things get interpreted in ways I never imagine sometimes, so I want to help you understand. As you read this post, read it with the knowledge and image of the words flowing out on a sigh of peace. That's the best I can describe it.
I love God. I love the idea of Him loving me, and being in control of my future. I love those crazy moments when I look at a scary decision and wonder how a year or even a week will turn out. I've done something recently that I've never done before, and I love knowing that I can place it in His hands and trust Him for the wisdom on how to handle it.
I love having desire. Earnest, gut-wrenching desire that overwhelms my thoughts and my plans. And I love that all of my most longed for desires are God planted into my very being. I love verses that tell me He'll be faithful to complete the work He started in me. Because I know that those desires are the very works He started in me. I love being satisfied with dis-satisfaction. Always loving where I am, but never content to stay there a moment longer than I have to. I have seen so many that live from day to day, not looking into the future, and that just makes me appreciate and hold more tightly my dreams. I love my dreams.
I love that my God and Savior draws me. I'd easily fall into believing that my spiritual growth is a result of my own efforts. When, in truth, even my desire to grow comes from God Himself. For so long I was content with where I was, and now I can't imagine living without this burning in my heart. Driving me, convicting me, and changing me.
God has been gracious to me. He's accepted my childish questions, my immature selfishness, my tantrums, and my outbursts. He works in me knowing the end result of what I can become. He created me, and drew me, and changed me. And continues to do so still.
I love Him because He speaks through the unexpected, and never fails to warn me when I step out of place. I love that He is even less content than I am to have me stay as I am, and that He looks towards my future with more excitement and hope than I do.
I love Him, because in every moment, every situation, every struggle, and every wonderful and sorrowful day, He has been there loving me all the way. I love Him because I know the same love that He has for me today will awake anew tomorrow as fresh and as vibrant as the first day He loved me.
I never imagined being able to say this... but, I love Him now - simply because I can't help but love Him.
Te Queiro Señor