It's Sunday right now, though I believe you won't see this until Wednesday, or maybe Thursday. I'm writing posts, but not publishing them until I'm ready to officially 'be back'.
I didn't want to go to church today. Preachers like the quote "I'd rather be here than the best hospital in town" but I don't think I would have qualified for that today. I wanted to hide. I wanted to sit at my house and hide from the world. Even if the world I was hiding from was a Christian world.
I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to be happy, I didn't want to talk to people. And when you go to church people expect you to do just that.
I've smiled before, when I didn't want to; I've been happy before, when I didn't want to; and I've most certainly talked to people, when I didn't want to - though the invention of caller id has left me more leeway in that area. But today was different. Today, I just wanted to quit.
The day was beautiful, even as I write this, there's warm sunshine and a refreshing cool breeze coming through my screen door. Birds are chirping. And even now, I'd like nothing better than to crawl into my chair, curl up in a ball and wait for the day to end. Today, I would love to write God my resignation for life. Not necessarily the existence of my life, but the living it. It's the living life that feels harder today than before.
I'm tired. And I'm hurting. And I wish this day would hurry up and end.
For all the things I want to do today, I'm not doing a single one.
I didn't want to go to church, so I went to church if for no other reason that I would never have to look back and regret the fact that I let my emotions keep me from the house of God.
I didn't want to take lunch to my parents, but I did it, because I didn't want to regret not being able to take back even that hint of unfaithfulness to them.
I didn't want to praise God today, but I did it because I know that even if it doesn't seem like it by the way others act, those that don't praise God, those that don't know God, struggle a lot more than I am struggling today.
It's not about my feelings, but my beliefs. I believe God is loving, even when I feel unloved. I believe God is just, even when I feel mistreated. I believe God is faithful, even when I feel alone. I believe God is merciful, even when I feel condemned. And I believe God is my comforter, even when I feel overwhelmed by grief
Most of the time my feelings agree with my beliefs. But today I've had to choose which one is my master. Today, I will honor and serve what and WHO I believe to be true, even though it doesn't feel like it at all.
And maybe it will feel true tomorrow.