I'm not pleased with my blog this past year. But then, I'm not pleased with my Christian walk this year either. So I guess I'm doing a very good job of allowing my blog to reflect my 'walk'.
One of my favorite bloggers, "Gunner" from his blog "Raw Christianity" posted some of the things he learned in 2008. And while some of his were personal and specific, some of them seemed to define the things I experienced this year, words like "de-mature" certainly rung true to me.
I'll go into this new year humbled. This year, in my life I've been like an elephant in a china shop. It's not a pleasant image. At the same time, I've gained a much better picture of Gods mercy and grace not only in holding onto me, but in still wanting me at all. It's not earned. That's for certain.
Ed G., in a post over at "Cross the Road" put me onto a line from a song by David Ippolito.
The line said "Any God small enough to understand can't be big enough to help."
And I know I've spent a great deal of time this past year trying to smush everything He was doing into something that I could understand.
And finally, a conversation with one of our maintenance men, Mike, at work has really stuck with me. He detailed how he had to come in to work at 6am, daily, to add more gasoline to the generator (we've got a blown transformer). In questioning, I finally ended up asking why he didn't instead change the tactic of keeping it fueled to a another one that wouldn't have required the overtime that had brought the whole discussion up in the first place.
"Because the boss said to do it."
There are a lot of times in life when I don't get it. I don't understand. Or I'm sure I've got a better plan. It's good to remember that I'm not the boss. I gave that right up when I asked His purchase price to cover me. I am my Beloveds and He is mine. When those days come up, and they will come, I need to use Mikes words. "The boss said."
I don't sing "Where You lead, I'll consider if that's the right direction for me."
Or, "Trust and make informed decisions."
When I repent of sins, I forget to add "control" to my list of sins.
This year and every year, I hope to draw closer to God. I pray I pursue the joyful abandon of loss of control. I pray I simply trust and obey. For there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.