Monday, April 06, 2009

Day 22 - Faith to not say it

Day 22 was originally "Faith to lay it all down".

I'm deleting the entire thing. I fear, that my very hope for something, could hurt someones feelings. So I'm deleting it.

It's harder to hit delete than I thought it would be. I know you don't know who you are, but I love you greatly. I love you more than my writing. As I should.

Sometimes in life, you come to be under the impression that if you don't say it, if you don't voice that opinion, the world just won't turn right. All of lifes problems and concerns will all be your fault because you didn't speak.

My brother recently lost his debit card. I'd watched him put the card in the little black folder for the server to pick up, and I kept thinking "He needs to put it in a slot - the card could fall out." And sure enough, the server returned and said his card hadn't been in the folder.
For the next 3 days I beat myself up saying "I should have spoken". His card was found and returned to him the very next day - but I still continued to beat myself up over it.

The avoidance of that singular regret, the regret of the unsaid - has spawned millions of regrets over things that should have gone unsaid.

I've been pre-posting, writing the posts a few days in advance, so I knew this uncertain post was going to hit the public today. And last night I made the decision to pull it. As it would happen though, upon getting home I ended up in several phone calls, texts, and chat room conversations and seemingly hundreds of google searches drawn into the drama of two different events that will soon take place. I never got around to deleting it.

This morning, I wondered vaguely, at 7:30, if I would have time to delete the post before it hit at 8. Then I noticed the strange color outside my house.

It was darker than it should be.

My clock, my interesting and stuck in the past clock, had sprung forward for daylight savings time as it used to be in April. I had an extra hour in which to make the post go away and replace it.

I could have hugged God this morning for that gift.

The gift to keep something unsaid.

The world will keep spinning on it's axis, and all future troubles in this world will not hinge on what I said or didn't say today. But with joy, I can tell you that I didn't hurt someone today. I didn't disappoint them, or leave them sighing over twinges of sorrow. I chose them, a person, a dearly loved friend, over my incessant need to say words.

Only God can work something that strong in me.


Anonymous said...

not saying something...

yes, i can see it, times that it would be best not to speak the words.

flyawaynet said...

Too many times in my case Nancy. I think words might actually be the "sin that so easily besets me"!!!