Confessions of heaven

I have a confession to make. I never looked forward to heaven (aka paradise, as some of the more argumentative people I've talked to about this have corrected me). If you'd of asked me, I could of factually of told you that Heaven/Paradise is beautiful, that it outshines any of the most wonderful experiences on earth, and that anyone with two brain cells would know they'd want to go there.
But I didn't.
Knowing all those things, I'm wondering now if I truly believed I'd get in. I grew up in a strict household where, though try your best, you'd never measure up. I wonder if I actually projected those same feelings onto God?
I've prayed for many things this week, not the least of which is a heart for the lost. But suddenly here I was watching some program on tv, and I thought... yeah... yeah....I'm actually looking forward to the idea.
And while I sit here now, still pondering this change in attitude, I can't help but be amazed at how God still teaches me the strangest things at the strangest times. And while I pondered that, I also wondered if maybe, this was his way of giving me a heart for the lost. Why would anyone want what I've got, if they figured out I wasn't even looking forward to the prize?
I don't know why He taught me what He did, but don't mistake my confusion for lack of gladness. For I am very glad. I always wondered if there wasn't something wrong with me that I wasn't looking forward to -was in fact dreading- heaven. And I have to tell you now, pray. Pray wholeheartedly that you will be teachable, that God would teach you daily, hourly, and every minute on the minute if necessary. Just pray that He would continue His good work in You, and let Him know that you want it completed. Tell Him you want to be what He wants you to be. Nothing more, and not one iota less. Pray with sincerity and with earnest. Pray believing.