Tuesday, March 20, 2007


I don't know how to explain it without everyone thinking I'm suffering from low self esteem. But it's been a recurring thought... the thought that I'm ruined.

This is a hard post to post, just because I doubt my ability to get my thoughts across clearly, so that the idea of being ruined, isn't a bad thing. I can only suggest that you try and keep an open mind and read to the end. Maybe, you'll wish you were ruined as well.

To describe it, I could reference cooking. You have your basic ingredients, and you're stirring everything together. With these basic ingredients you could be making a pancake, or a chicken batter, or even a cream to put in macaroni and cheese. But at some point, some vital ingredients go in, that will turn the direction of your product towards the end result - what it's intended to be - and there will be no possible way for you to make pancakes from it. In effect, you've ruined it for pancakes. It's not heartbreakingly bad, just a fact.

There came a point in my life, where things shifted and I realized the things God had added in my life were vital to me becoming exactly what He planned of me. I look at other directions my life could take, some of them expected of me, and I can't help but think that I'm ruined for those directions. The ingredients for something entirely different have been added, and there's no way to unscramble the egg and remove it from the batter.

In a way, in every way actually, I'm glad to be ruined. It's hard enough to focus sometimes as it is. There are so many directions to go, so many things that can distract me, that can tempt me to turn my life in other directions, to add ingredients in my life that God hasn't intended for His Master recipe.
I wonder sometimes, what it would be like, to not be ruined. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't trade a single ingredient, no matter how painful, for anything. I wonder also if it was hard for Him to allow me to be ruined. But then, if He hadn't allowed it, would He have been trading what could have been for something as flavorful as dry toast?

Reading this post, I know I haven't made my point. So maybe this post isn't for you, so much as it's for me. And one day I'll look back on this post and remember. I'll remember how grateful I am to be ruined.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I don't think I know exactly what you mean, but I share some similar feelings. I have at different times described myself as damaged goods, but still in working condition.
I love to get old furniture that is scratched, beat up, and sand away what I can, (sp) linseed oil, add new hinges,---restore what someone else saw as junk.
That is exactly what God has done for me, experiences in my life have left deep scratches, my hinges has been broken and I cannot do the things that I think God had called me to do in my younger days. Sometimes I feel that God just spreads the balm of Gilead over and restores me. I will never forget when I was praying one time that phrase started going over and over in my head---the balm of Gilead for the seen and unseen.I feel that this was from god, because I usually don't speak in those terms. I think I must have places in my life that affect me and contribute to my many quirks, that only God is aware of at this time. He gently applies the balm and I can cont. on with the plan that he has for my life, even though it has been altered by my bad choices at time and sometimes by things that I had no control.
I know he does restore, because he is doing it for me.

Actually after I have read this, it may not apply at all---but your message touched my heart.