I get skeptical when people say the devil is attacking them. I believe He does attack people, I believe that firmly. But I also believe some things just happen. Traffic jams, coffee spills, tires go flat and water pipes burst. I believe the devil could be responsible for those things at times, but every time something goes haywire in your world is not a sign that the devil is out to get you.
I'm wondering if I got the devils attention. I would almost have to have him graffiti his name on the wall of my house in order to firmly believe something like that, but I'll allow myself to wonder about a lot of things I'm curious about.
Since I've gone off on this tangent about getting more from God, I've been experiencing some strange things. Without going into too much creepy detail, weird things are happening at my house at night. Blogger, for the first time ever, has made me retype entire posts during this week (when I first started blogging about my seeking), and I just found out that a friend sent me an e-mail with her own experiences concerning people that actually had the gift that I'm seeking -- and the e-mail vanished without reaching me.
I don't know how other bloggers work, but my posts take nearly an hour to complete. So when you do all that, and then literally watch your post disappear before your eyes for no reason (I recreated the moment and can't even make the post disappear), you start thinking 'is this worth it'?
As I forced myself to start over I told myself over and over that the post wasn't important, why on earth should I spend the time redoing it? But I did, and moved on. But as I did, it started the ball rolling in my head. What if I'm doing all this for nothing? What if I fight and struggle and kick and shove only to find myself in Pauls situation where God asks "Isn't it hard to kick against the pricks?" It's tiring to push. Trying to grow isn't easy. How many times will a kid fall off his bike in one day before he decides to get off the bike and kick it? I'm not ready to kick my bike, but I have considered how easy it would be to shove the bike in a corner and head inside saying "Who really needs to learn to ride a bike?"
And this was after only a few weeks of effort. And I realized that if I learn nothing else, I need to learn perseverance. There's a race to be run that is suppose to last me my entire lifetime, and if I can't make it through a 100meter dash, then it's no wonder this Christian is so weak.
Strangely enough, the thing that gave me strength was the very idea that hit today that maybe the Devil is actively against me getting more of God. I can think of no higher honor than to actually become an annoyance to the devil. I guess that's why I'd have a hard time believing that he's behind all the strangeness the last few weeks. I can't imagine I'm even remotely close to being even a speck on his radar. But the idea that I might be that very speck will keep me fighting.
That said, may God grant me wisdom and strength.