It's one of those thoughts that you think... "that's not new.. I already knew this before" yet sometimes you've known something, but never really thought it.
Tonight we were singing the chorus to I am Thine Oh, Lord. And as we all started singing "Draw me nearer nearer," I suddenly gained the image in my mind of walking, drawing ones self like a moth to a flame. A person, was walking towards utter brightness, but the brightness was intense and the sheer heat and power of it, the closer you got to it burned - not you - but the flammable things we hold onto. A purse, a blanket, the clothes the person was wearing, the person was yelling in pain because of the heat, but at some point it became obvious that their hands were only being burned because they were clutching at the things that were being burned away. A random scripture came to mind, and I began to think about the cost of 'drawing nearer'. I spent the early part of 2007 speaking rashly about God. I kept saying "More More, More of God" only to find myself thinking that if this is God, He's just too much for me. Too much.
I've regularly thought to myself that I am either in a time of profound growth, or profound correction. I hesitate to say it's growth, because it seems self-righteous. I hesitate to say profound correction because it sounds like false-humility. In truth, especially from what I've pulled out of the scriptures the last few days, I find myself hoping, and believing more that this is a profound time of both growth and correction. I just haven't started growing yet.
I don't say that with any spiritual strength at all though. It's simply a thought spoken out loud. I find myself going to God over and over again saying "Now what?" I don't know how to approach Him or talk to Him and my prayer times, and thousands of random moments throughout the day are simply filled with "what do you want from me? and what do I have to do to get it to You?"
I feel broken. Yet, I don't kid myself that I couldn't be broken more. And, right or wrong, I've come to fear God as the 'breaker'. It's just a different world now.