I don't think I sing well, and if someone gets a little too generous in their compliments on my piano playing, I don't believe that either. But Sunday, someone told me about something God did while I was singing. And after reflecting on it for a bit, I realized it doesn't mean that I sang well, it means that God can use even my singing. God's used my playing a few times too, and again, it's no reflection on how well I play, but how God can use it anyway.
If I were to stop and actually think about it right now, I'd say I live even worse than I sing. My life's hit so many wrong notes, the melody speeding up when it should have slowed down, or slowing down when it should have sped up, all the different qualities/fruits that all blend together to make a Christ-like life seem to have mold on them and leave me smelling bad and swatting away gnats. But every once in awhile someone will mention something God did while I was just trying to live. And I see now, it's not a reflection of how well I lived, but of what God can do despite me.
But I'm tired of condemning my life.
It's strange, but I've started to see how not knowing how to talk to God anymore has been a good thing. I've found myself sitting in very emotional silences until I finally have one thing to say. And that one thing is usually sharper and more meaningful than what I might have said before.
Praying with Little One tonight, I said something differently, something about God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. And doing it made me think, wonder really, if I've ever really imagined myself as a child of God. GOD. So much of what I think about may use the term God, but I'm thinking more along the lines of the person of Jesus - someone easier to relate to and imagine. I think if I were to divide them up, I would say that I trusted Jesus but was afraid of God.
It my head, it doesn't have to make sense.