Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Laying it down.

I see the 3 yr old in me. The one that doesn't see the big picture, but only sees that playtime was cut short, or candy was not readily available, or bedtime interrupted her playtime.
Except I did it with God.
And I did it with the straightforwardness to inform Him that I hated the big picture and wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Or else I'll throw a fit. I'll cry and scream and stomp my feet and make any random spectator either roll their eyes at me or glare accusingly at Him. Either one.

So, for the record: I was wrong, and inappropriate. I was untrusting and disbelieving. I was annoying, bullheaded, controlling, disbelieving and I could cover the other 19 letters of the alphabet but the buck stops here.

A song came to mind today, and the chorus of it says "leave your sins for the blood to cover". And today I've done that. I'm setting them down, and I'm going to do my best to remind myself that they're not tomorrows issue.

I'm Gods. He's proven it in the last 6 months. Even though, strangely enough, the last 6 months is when I would have sworn I wasn't His. Each and every time I cried uncle and said I was walking away, it proved impossible. I couldn't. If there was ever a time God should have wanted to chuck me out the door... anytime in these last months would have been it.

And that belonging feeling is pleasant. Even if I don't always understand and throw a hissy fit. If He'll stay through these months... well, no one else would have stayed through the last 6 months.

I haven't found that place of sweet communion that I had before. But, when I do get there, I think the biggest change I'll see is that I'll be listening more than I'll be talking.

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