Falling short of a 5 yr old

In my last post, I was talking about how pure the love of my nephew was. How I wish I were as capable as him of loving God more than I despise my own discomfort. Well, I'm sad to say I'm not doing so well.
I prayed God would help me get out of debt, so He gave me work to do.

I'M EXHAUSTED.

I prayed God would bless my company with more contracts. So He gave me two new contracts.

Unfortunately, He did that just as my co-worker went on vacation and I'm left here with 15 jobs to fill and no people that want to work.

I'M STRESSED

I prayed God would impress on everyone in my church and family how important witnessing is, that we'd have a hunger and a burning desire to bring others to the foot of the cross.
Good news is, this week I actually saw the fruit of my witness (and several others witness) to a man and was able to personally pray with him to ask and accept salvation.
Bad news is that He impressed the urgency of the needs by taking my sister-in-laws Grandmother from us unexpectedly in the middle of the night. She was a good good woman, but I can only pray she had come to a point where she turned her heart to God. The rest of the family needs to know the fear of what can happen to them if they fail to listen to Gods call and repent. You never know what will happen in the middle of the night. You never know what might happen driving down the road. You don't know that the next tornado that passes through Texas, or the next hurricane that slams Florida or NO, or MS, or AL won't bring you to an unexpected end.
You don't know that the next time you go to the dr, he won't find a lump, an irregularity, an abnormality - something and say the dreaded words "I'd like to run more tests".
You don't know.
Here is the good news though, GOD DOES KNOW. Ask yourself the next time you feel the urge to go to the altar "What if He's urging me now because He knows there won't be a later?"
The same standard applies to witnessing. Next time you feel the urge to witness to your co-worker, friend, loved one, grocery store clerk, salesman, beautician, mechanic, neighbor... "What if He wants me to share the gospel today, because there won't be a tomorrow?"
God knows what he's doing. And when you're walking with someone that knows the future of you and everyone else in the world... only one rule applies
Do what He says, when He says it.

The devotion of a child

It was 103 degrees Saturday afternoon. I was working in a metal building that was literally trying to cook me. Sitting on the huge work table was David, my 5 yr old nephew. He was mostly chatting, helping occassionally, hopping down from the table to play every now and then, and then climbing back up and watching me work while he chattered away. His parents were in the same warehouse working and sweating in their own corner. Finally they finished (long before me because there are two of them and they have less of a load to work on) and they were about to go home. David said he wanted to stay with me. Both I and his parents explained to him that I was going to be there at least 2 more hours, and if he went home it would be cooler and he could have lunch (it was already nearly 2pm and he was hungry). He persisted, saying only that he wanted to stay with me. We finished around 4:30pm. 4 hrs after we'd arrived. He had never once complained. Finally finished, I kept an earlier promise and we went to Braums. He ate until he could eat no more. He was refreshed, content and happy.
Let me ask you this, would you have sat in that metal building baking yourself, sweating, hungry, and nothing to do --------------------------- to be in the presence of God? How many times have we been with God in a difficult situation and all we focused on was the situation?
I had the most amazing afternoon with David while we were working and then after we left. I gave him good things, but I was far more blessed by his love and devotion to me. As I knelt to pray that night, I took my thoughts concerning the day to God and suddenly my heart was pierced. Oh that we could be the people that bless God by our love and devotion! That we would know He is good and gracious to us, that He will feed us and refresh us. I want to love Him so fully, that I desire and enjoy His presence more than I despise my own discomfort. As I receive daily, His many gifts to me, I pray I am able to bless Him so fully and so markedly that His gifts come from an overflowing of His delight in me.
You don't know how to read yet David, but one day I hope to show you this, and to thank you for teaching me such a powerful lesson, and so that you'll know one day that by loving me, you taught me how to love better myself. I love you Davie

A confession

I'm starting to realize that I should never blog at night. Those are my most contemplative hours and my thoughts during those hours need to be processed quite a bit before I even consider sharing them. But unfortunately, I don't even follow my own advice in this area, because I feel the need to share this, and now.
There's a song that I truly enjoy called "Draw me close to You". I'm sure there are many variations to the title, but if you've heard it, then you know which one I'm talking about. The chorus to it starts off "You're all I want, You're all I've ever needed"
And at some point tonight, I realized, that as emotionally as I sing those words, they aren't true - this would be the confession part of the post.
God isn't all I want. He is most definitely and undeniably all I need but He isn't all I want.
I want to be out of debt
- I want to have my own home
- I want my parents to be happy and no longer hurting
- I want a stress free relationship with everyone in my family, most particularly my brother, with whom I can't seem to agree with on any topic.
- I want.... too much to name. I've already got 8 other things in my mind that I want. I want God as well, I want that depth of relationship, I want to hear His voice, but to be honest I want so much more than Him.
Maybe the song writer was more spiritual than I am. Maybe s/he really did only want God. I'm probably just feeling defensive about the idea now, but I'm wondering why it would be such a bad thing to want other things. And if it isn't a bad thing, why would you put words that aren't true in a song.
I guess I've gotten the brunt of this off my chest. If you have any ideas on the subject, feel free to comment.
Goodnight.

Oh, Lord, I am nobody!

I know me. At least I know me as well as God has given me insight to know me. Some things about me still remain a mystery. I often wonder if I'm not quite grasping something. Then at other times I wonder (due to my sinful prideful nature) if I'm one of the few that does grasp this. Then I return to thinking that I don't know what to think. Are you curious yet?
I'm unworthy, I'm wretched, and even my best intentions are full of selfish, prideful, critical and self seeking motivations. I play the piano at church, silently begging God that He would somehow bless someone with my music, despite the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. I've done puppets, praying that God would somehow use the foolish words that pop out of my mouth to teach a child of God's love. I spend so much energy of every action praying that somehow God would take my feeble, foolish actions and somehow make something good from it.
I have little to no creative talent when it comes to decorating things and my co-worker most definitely does, yet my co-worker always sends me out to get the supplies to make gift baskets for our clients. I always come back with bags full of various things, just hoping and praying that she will make something good out of it. That's how I feel about God. It comes naturally to me to hurt people, even when I'm not wanting to, it comes naturally to me to not love people that hurt or anger me, it comes natural to me to go with my first instincts rather than wait for God's will to become evident to me and worst of all, it comes as natural to me as breathing to speak my opinions trying to sway others rather than to hold my peace and simply pray that God would sway them.
The reason I question my beliefs on this is it seems like I should be living in some sort of joyous victory, that He has made me worthy and so now I am. And in a way I grasp that, because that is what gives me the greatest understanding of His love. But my beliefs concerning my unworthiness are what now hold me back from actions. It is what reminds me to not go with my first instincts, all the time, but to wait for God's leading and direction. It is what reminds me when I'm contemplating someone else's unworthiness for them, that God loves them, with the same love and mercy He's given me. And that, just like whoever I'm trying to criticize, I don't deserve that love.
Despite how serious a thought process this is for me, I wanted to leave you with a joke that I found in the comments of a new blog I've discovered. I'll be visiting there often, and would recommend you give it a look as well.

There's a joke I heard a long time ago, that comes from the definition of a Yiddish word:

Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
-Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Offbeat off topic

This is kind of off topic for the things I usually post, but I was contemplating something the other day, and thought I would share it. What good is a blog if I don't share stuff on it right?
Well, one of my desires/goals in life is to take in foster children. One of the first thing people tell me when they find this out is that a child should have a mother AND a father. And, I have the highest respect for a fathers contribution to raising a child, and the necessity of one being around, my response is always the same: In the absence of any good parents, I'm as good as any. For all the foster children out there that need a place to stay, they outnumber the foster parents by a frightening number.

A major issue concerns the nation’s shortage of caring foster homes. In much of the nation foster parents are in short supply, especially in large cities. While the number of foster children has increased, the number of foster homes decreases. There is such a shortage that the average number of children per home is 3.7 - up from about 1.4 in 1983 and estimates show that tens of thousands foster parents care for six, seven, and eight youth at a time.

But, to connect this whole thing to the idea that has been festering in my mind, I have to tell you something else seemingly off topic. If you stay with me however, I'll tie this whole thing together.
I don't / didn't believe in women preachers. At least not in the idea of them being the head of a church. The man is suppose to be the head of the home, and the man is suppose to be the head of a church. And while women could hold many roles within the church, I didn't believe being the head of the church aka "Pastor" should be one of them.
My own desires, to be a head of my home with foster children in tow seem God given, and unshakable. And I'm sure some women Pastors out there feel the exact same way about their call to preach.
The world isn't all that it should be, and Christians aren't all that they could be, so I'm wondering if maybe God didn't intend for a women to be the pastor of a church originally, but in the absence of obedient called servants, He is calling the willing, and qualifying them.
I'm not trying to throw stones at all the Christian men out there, saying obviously we women have to do all this stuff because you're just not stepping up. But the idea is out there.
Next time you go to church, take a calculated look around. What is the ratio of men to women?
I'm not saying I'm right about any of this. It was just an idea so, take it and see what you think.

I hope I never meet a snake charmer

I turned around. I called myself a thousand kinds of stupid as I turned around, and I braced myself for embarrassment, but I turned the car around and I pulled up at a strangers house. I had driven by it moments before and saw a man watering his yard with some special bottle attached to the water hose and noticed that his yard was nice and green. I drove past as this voice in my head - or heart maybe - suddenly began screaming GO BACK. God didn't seem to be listening to my logical arguments about how I didn't know the guy and whoever he was probably didn't want company while he tried to work on his yard. God didn't listen. Just kept screaming at me GO BACK.
So, as I've already stated, I turned around and went back. I'm sure you can imagine he was surprised to have company, no more surprised than I was to be his company. I complimented him on his nice yard and we talked gardening for awhile. I don't know much about gardening, little to none, so I listened to him talk about it mostly. Asked questions about how I could make my yard look nicer, and heard about his grub worm infestation that was indeed making strange brown circles all over his yard.
I arrived home after talking with him for about 15 minutes and asked God what on earth that was about. When suddenly the concept came to me, that to the gardener, I was to become a gardener. I don't know when I'll go back. Maybe it won't be until September when I plant the Rye grass he suggested I mix with my Saint Augustine grass. But I will go back. I will begin witnessing to people in my city. I am now a missionary. Hold on city here I come.

Though I preach the gospel, I don't have anything to glory of, because the necessity of it is laid upon me, woe is unto me if I don't preach the gospel. If I preach the gospel willingly, I will have a reward, but if I do it against my will I'm simply completing my responsibility. What would my reward be then? When I preach the gospel, I make the gospel of Christ without charge, so I won't abuse my power. Though I'm not a slave, I have made myself a servant to everyone, that I might gain all the more. So unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win the Jews; and to those that are under the law, I was as one under the law, that I might win those that are under the law. To those that are without law, I became as one without law (except for the law of God) that I might win those that are without law. To the weak I became as someone weak, that I might win the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. I do this for the gospels sake, that I might be a share the blessings with you. Don't you know that everyone runs in a race, but only one will receive the prize? RUN then, so you might win the prize. Every man that works to master something must be temperate in all things. Others do it to win a corruptible crown; but we do it for an incorruptible crown.
I run, with purpose, not uncertainly, and I fight, with my target in sight, not as one that beats at the air. And by God's help, I will keep my body under submission, so that God Forbid! when I have preached to others I myself should be a castaway.

My story

God wanted me to give up television.
I didn't have to never watch it again, but I'm a teetotaler and so if I was giving up tv, I was already thinking I'd give up my subscription to direct tv. God had put this nudge in my heart at least a year ago, and recently the nudging and pushing had become so strong I was literally being overwhelmed. Everywhere I turned someone was talking about giving up television. Nearly ever service at church mentioned giving something up, one time specifically mentioning T.V. and or just the need to give something up. Radio preachers preached on giving everything to God, and even my case manager at CASA mentioned she wanted to give up their tv habits but her husband didn't want to get rid of it.

I couldn't.
I told God several times that I would, I even lasted a full 24 hrs once, once. The few times I did turn the television off I found myself sitting in an empty and very quiet house thinking there had to be more to life than this. A few times I even got angry with God, TV isn't the evils that some of the strict Assemblies of God think it is, why did I have to give it up? In truth, I was terrified that He would stop telling me to give it up. There was nothing, nothing living or dead as horrific to me as the idea that God had given up on me.

He could.
Finally, I told God I couldn't do it. I informed God stoically that I had tried, and failed. It wasn't possible for me to do. I told Him I felt like it was a cop out for me to even ask, but if He wanted me to stop watching tv, He was going to have to change my heart. It seems like if He changes your heart so you can give something up to Him, then it's not much of a sacrifice, but that is what He did. But in truth, He didn't change my heart about television. I still like it and maybe pause for an hour or so of it a day. What He did do, was fill my life so full, that I don't have time for it. When I go home, my hours are filled with labors for my home, with the quiet stillness of reading a book, or with actually taking time to play with my cat for the first time in months.
Before, I use to look forward to going to work because the idea of staying home for a day seemed so boring to me. Now each hour at home is filled with purpose. Purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I wanted to share this, because I know some of you have something God wants you to give up. Whether it be something physical like tv, or something emotional like bitterness or anger, He wants to replace whatever it is with something so good that you would never understand even a small idea of it's value until you obtain it. God seems to be ok with the fact that I'm foolish and willful. He even seems to be ok with the idea that I couldn't sacrifice something as ridiculous as television without His work.

For me, I don't believe any change would have come if I hadn't finally broke down and informed Him that I needed Him to do the work in me. For me. Are you willing to do the same?

Thank you for having read this far in my testimony. I know it was long and took some time. So thanks for reading what God has done. Just know, He can do the same for you.

HE DID!

Justified mediocrity

I sit here now wondering how many other lies I tell myself every day. I've spent approximately 10 days now living an almost entirely different life. I eat different, I feel different, I'm talking somewhat different, I'm thinking differently, I'm seeing differently, and I spend my free time differently.
I'm happy.
And it's not a surface happiness of 'I had a really enjoyable hamburger for lunch', or 'I saw a great movie'... nothing like that. It's deep down, quiet contentment. 11 days ago I would have sworn that I had this, but I can see now in hindsight that I had no clue what contentment was. There is patience with contentment, and a hopefulness the likes of which I've never seen. It is good.
Yet, looking back, I remember all the reasons I never did the things I'm doing now. Foolishly enough, I felt I deserved my "easy" superficial mediocrity. Of course, I wasn't calling it that, a blind man rarely declares red to be red, or orange to be orange. I work hard, and I told myself I didn't have time to cook, or clean, to spend working at my house, or often to take my niece and nephew somewhere that didn't involve a television or theatre screen. I didn't have time for that, so I deserved to pick up yet another fast food meal and sit in front of my television waiting until bedtime would arrive so that time could pass. Dear God! What a fool I've been.

I took my niece and nephew to the library last night, then looked up and old friend and her daughter and we all went to the park and watched the kids play. I did that after eating the leftovers from dinner the night before and meeting with a mother on a CASA case I'm working on. When I dropped the kids back off I ended up having a long conversation with my sis-in-law about virtually nothing, but it nurtures our relationship and was worth every minute of it. When I arrived home, there was a message from the old friend I had spent the evening with, thanking me for being a friend to her.
I am blessed beyond measure that God, in His infinite mercy, ever so abruptly, poured His grace over my heart and gave me power, strength, and desire, to be what He wanted me to be.
I've got a long long road ahead of me and some of the path I'm sure I don't even realize is ahead. I'm looking forward to telling you about it though. I'll explain why tomorrow.

How does God change my heart?

I must admit that though I've always understood God has absolute all power, and is the only thing that can change a persons heart, I've never understood the HOW aspect of it. I say this, because in continuation of the gift God has given me I cooked supper last night. I cooked it, and while I waited for it to cook, I sat in my living room, with the tv off and I read my book. After finishing supper and the dishes, I went outside and mowed my yard. While mowing my yard, I felt impressed to start another project to help my poor yard out. I was ok with the original change in habits, but it was looking at my house and yard with the new eyes that surprised me the most. I know most of the things that need to be spruced up around the property, but rarely consider doing them with any form of hopefulness. And that is exactly what I felt. Hopeful.
I've spent so much of my time lately, angry and frustrated with myself and others that it is hard to see God's goodness in them or myself. I realize that so many are much like myself, and they see things that need to be done, but lack the motivation or the heart to actually do them. While I understand in a sense, seeing it in others around me, and myself, still frustrates me.
In the book I'm reading, this lady blasts someone verbally for a sin he is committing, and it turns out her blasting him opened his eyes and changed his life. Technically her blasting him seemed 'good' since the results were good. But after she had done it someone turned to her and questioned why she could see the sin in others lives so clearly, and not her own. Her character is a clear reflection of myself. And while I don't want to be oblivious to sin so that I am unable to call it if it is necessary. I do want God to continue working in my heart so that I see others sin through the compassionate eyes of God.
God knew that I would never take the steps I've taken this week and last without Him changing my heart. But while He may have been willing to change my heart, He required something of me first.
Today, and something most profound to me, I regret that He left me .59 cents.

The strangest gift

Recently I had the specific push from God to give in the offering nearly every penny in my bank account. As it turned out God left me .59 cents. I spent the week scrounging for gas money and being extremely careful. In the absence of real food items (I'm single, so I am well acquainted with every restaurant in town) I ended up eating Eggo's for supper one night even. It was an odd week, and in it, I was driven back to my roots. I re-learned to exist without the extras. When I first gave the money, I sat back expecting God to do something for me, especially as I ate the last slices of bread. I waited for Ed Mcmahon to show up on my door. And sadly, he didn't arrive. It is only this week that I've realized what a gift it was that God gave me. My house is clean, my fridge is clean, I'm drinking water and limiting the unhealthy soda, I've spent more time doing things, rather than sitting around. Saturday I actually got around and did all the chores I'm suppose to do and don't always get done. You could say that the two things aren't related, you could say my blessing should have come back to me in finances and you could say I did some of this on my own. But I would tell you, that if I keep this up, I'll save more money than even I realize because eating out and buying some of those extras has cost me dearly for the past several years.
You can tell me it isn't God. You can tell me I've done this on my own. You can tell me it's pure coincidence.
But I won't believe you.

A night at my church

We had a terrific service Wednesday night, as Pastor preached about not leaving the temple the same way you came in (text from Ezekiel 46 vs 9). It was especially appropriate as God has been dealing with me about changing and it seems every time I'm at church the pastor mentions a need for us to change and consecrate ourselves. It didn't fail to happen this time as he mentioned that when they were going to the temple in that verse, it was for a solemn assembly, which he said is usually followed by a time of consecration. He then pointed out how that is a time of changing, and turning over the things we need to give up.

But then, towards the end of the service he made a quick decision to read us one more passage(Ezekiel chapter 47 vs 1 - 6). I won't restate the passage for you, because I want you to go read it. After reading us the passage, he began talking about how God can take us in where the water -Gods Spirit- is so deep we'd have to swim, but then He'll take us back to the bank, and we have to decide to go out that deep. Once again stating that we may have to let go of something to get that far out into the water (it is hard to swim while holding stuff). I really enjoyed the sermon.

He also earned a drop more respect from me (he's got a huge amount already) when he announced at the beginning of the service that we would be having service on Thursday because that was the only time this guy getting out of the hospital could make it to church. The man isn't saved, and he said he wanted to stand before the church and make a public profession. For some reason, when the pastor saw the man, the man kept saying that he'd see the Pastor Thursday, so the pastor just made the decision he would see the pastor at church on Thursday.A lot of people say they would like to win the lost, but they don't DO anything out of the ordinary to win them. My pastor isn't like that, and he's teaching me to do the same.
God has blessed us with a good pastor.

An interesting quote

If he was alive today, Paul would say to the indie rockers, “I did indie rock!” To the hip-hoppers, “I did hip-hop!” To the tech guys, “I had a blog!” For the families, I talked about marriage, and kids, and parenting. For the business guys, I did financial seminars and connected it back to God. For the environmental-rights activists, I told them who the creator was since they enjoy his work so much. Paul is saying, “I tried to figure out how to articulate Jesus in as many ways as I possibly could, to as many people as I possibly can, to win as many people as are possible.”

How did I get here?

I want to show you something I have done, so you'll realize how easy it is to start a good walk, and find yourself walking through trash and rubbish.
I have spent the last several months struggling with myself. Struggling with the burden I feel I place on others, the troubles that seem to naturally rise to the surface when I come on the scene, and much more. This past week I was reaching a point where I could hardly stand it, or myself. Having tried to convince myself that some of the things I believed were lies of the devil, I still found myself looking at the fact that they weren't true as a lie as well. I'm getting closer correcting some of my steps hoping to find the right path again and here is what I have found out.

I've allowed someone to stand as a leader in my life, that should not be my leader. They should have influence and input in my life, but not lead me in my decisions.

I've allowed the lies I believe to hold me back from ministering to others.

I've held myself back from getting a greater grasp and taste of the awesomeness of God, by refusing to give up something He has directed me repeatedly to give up.

By believing lies and failing to minister to others I have missed out on a closer relationship with my church family.

I've been holding on to unforgiveness and bitterness concerning a man in my church.

And I am still currently holding on to guilt and shame concerning a man in my church.


My question is, how did I get here? I was walking in absolute joy and peace and comfort in my salvation and walk with God, fully intent on embracing my new church family only to find myself months later holding them back with both arms while I cower in shame and self-recrimination. And worst yet, all this happened while I looked at these horrible things and believed them to be horribly wrong, yet found myself guilty of each charge, and became oblivious to the consequences of believing them.
My thought life, as I know it, must change. If my beliefs don't come from the source of a loving Father, even if I believe them, I must not act on them.

I don't know about you, maybe you all have families and a full life, but I need my church family. I need people in my life that love me and pray for me. I need people. Yet my most natural inclination is to stay away from people.
I will change. But not because I've decided to and so I did. But because I understand that I came this far away from where I should be in my own power and wisdom so obviously, the solution isn't going to come from my genius (sarcasm intended).
So, whoever you are reading this, know that however happy you are, however peaceful and content, you can fall. You can fall flat on your nose and wonder how on earth you could have not seen that huge tree you fell over. Be careful, pray, read God's word, and pray. PRAY. Censor your mental conversations through the filter that is God's word and God's words to you.
Here I am, but there but by the grace of God will go you as well.

A merciful moment

I don't completely understand why my mind goes to the places it does. My mind wages an enormous battle daily concerning what I believe to be true, and what I know in my heart isn't true. That battle is by far one of the most exhausting ones I could face, and also one of the most selfish.
You see, the beliefs that I'm struggling with all day long, all concern myself. And "I" shouldn't be my focus day in and day out. So if God wanted to strike at me somehow to get me out of my selfish rut, while I wouldn't enjoy it, I would certainly understand that I would only be receiving what my childish behavior has earned me.
But God, in His infinite mercy, granted me mercy last night. He had a humble man stand before me to speak directly to me.
I'm reading the bible through in a year, and we're in Job right now. We're reading tragedy after tragedy that struck Job, followed by health problems that I wouldn't even begin to understand the torment of them. And he's facing all these things because he trusted in God so much that God put him as an example for Satan.
It's like the Commander of an army sending his best man to show the enemy just how strong his troops are.
If that's what He does for his most faithful, how far short I must fall if I measure my success in God's Kingdom by how cushy my life is.
Something has got to give.

Parable of the Spoons

I received this in an e-mail recently and really enjoyed this. I don't want to minimize how horrific hell is, but I did appreciate the moral to this story. So enjoy!


A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. " The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seen Hell." They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand." " It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."

Don't think it's me.

God apparently wants me to know I can do nothing except by His power. I sat in church and felt absolutely clobbered by the very idea after the pastor announced that I was going to play the piano and the anointing was going to flow. My heart absolutely choked on the idea that everyone would be listening expecting something heavenly, and instead they would hear me. I can't play the piano. I really honestly can't. But God, when I sit down to play, allows me to play. In that sinking moment, I realized how easily God could humble me before the entire congregation. All He has to do is turn off whatever He turns on in me and poof, the magic has ended and everyone wonders why I would dare to play as though I presumed to have ability.
I am nothing. Absolutely nothing. Save God anoint and work, I can't even clumsily get something right. It is only God.
So, as a rare thing, I am going to leave you today with a prayer.

Father God, forgive me. Forgive me the pride and arrogance of my heart that would self-righteously assume that I am better than I am. I am nothing without You Lord. In my own self I am wretched and wicked and so many other horrible things that I can't even begin to name. See me Father, look down and consider how pitiful I am and have mercy on me. In Your love grant me undeserved and blessed mercy. Take this wretched vessel and somehow in Your mercy, let me make a difference.
Thank You for Your grace that moved You to capture my heart. Move me Lord, and use me. Remind me daily of Your strength in me and humble me. In all things, You are good, and gracious, and merciful.
In the name of Your son, Jesus Christ, I come to You. - Amen.

How do you spend your last day on earth?

If you knew that today or maybe NEXT Saturday was going to be your last day on earth, would your life change drastically?
Do you have fences you need to mend before you die? People you meant to witness to but never had time? Someone you wanted to remind one last time that God forgives? Would you choose to spend the quality time with your family rather than spending an hour finding out who was one step closer to being our next American Idol? Would you suddenly begin speaking more kindly to your family? Would you begin offering more compliments and encouragement and maybe even trying to share wisdom to help them when you were gone?

I want, more than anything, for my last days to not be panic filled moments where I tried to cram a lifetime into those 7 days or hours. And in my last instant, I don't want to think about how I didn't have enough time to finish. And I most definitely don't want to imagine God's performance review over my wasted time.

But, to have that, I can't wait until I'm diagnosed with something, or a car is hurtling towards me and my time is over in an instant. I have to make my changes today. In return I receive a satisfied, peaceful life that is in a constant state of readiness.
I will not say anything about your life, and give advice on you making a change in your routine or actions. I'm simply telling you all this to make you think about your routine and actions, in your own way. So, think on.

Simple peace

I recently found myself wanting something. It was a house, a big beautiful house, in the town that I am falling deeper in love with every time I visit. Financially it would of been a tight stretch, but not impossible. I took a moment and took the matter to God. And I quite honestly begged Him to break my heart. I asked for doors that I shouldn't be walking through to be not just closed but locked, and for Him to do whatever it took, to keep me on HIS road rather than my own.
I can't tell you how nervous I was about Him answering that prayer. I was bracing myself for hurt and discouragement. But the amazing part is, it never came. I didn't get my house, and I have a long road ahead to continue getting ready to one day try for a house again, but I'm more than ok with it. I'm still happy, and content and have both peace and enthusiasm concerning the house. I'm looking forward to meeting my goals and taking new steps.
I did learn something from this though, that gives me no end of comfort.
God was gentle with me. And I can trust Him with my dreams.
You can too. I would only suggest one thing to you though. Speak your heart to Him, don't just think it.

Psalms 34:8 O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

Are you listening?

I had a very interesting thing happen yesterday, individually they seemed unimportant until I got to the end and realized what had happened. It started at 10am, when I met with my bible reading group and one of the chapters we read that day was 2 Chronicles chapter 1. Then after lunch I happened across an article that made me click a link, the linked article was interesting, and so it made me click another link, from that link I ended up clicking a link to take me to amazon.com where I was able to read the first five pages to a book about Gods sovereignty. In this book the author was discussing how God's sovereignty is proved by the fact that I have nothing without Him. He gives me all things and I must thank Him for all things. Just as I got into it my 5 pages were up and it took me to the back cover. I thought nothing more of it. Until...
I went to church.
Once at church, my pastor asked us to turn to our text. 2 Chronicles.. chapter 1. Where one of his points was that Solomon asked God for something, (wisdom) and God not only provided Solomon with what he asked for, but also wealth and riches like no other king before or after. Then the pastor began making the point that the same God that gives wisdom, has full authority to give anything and everything. By the end of the service I was nearly sweating frustration out my pores as I tried to reason out an idea that seemed to be just beyond my grasp. I hate those moments. I was getting a general thing that God was trying to tell me, but there seemed to be a huge revelation that is just out my minds grasp.
But that's not the main reason I'm writing right now, I'm writing right now because I just want to be a reminder to you. God is still out there, daily involved in your life. He's showing you things, trying to teach you, and watching you grow and change (whether you're growing closer or farther from Him). Pay attention, because when He's speaking to you, you don't want to miss it. Seriously.
If insert famous name here called you on the phone in the middle of your busiest moment at work, it couldn't be more hectic, and s/he wanted to tell you something. You'd stop whatever you're doing and listen. Remember to treat God with that same awe.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD - DO SOMETHING!

I was in my house oblivious to what was going on, until a fire truck parked outside my home. I went to the door and saw the house directly across the street from me had flames coming off the side of the house. The house is alright, it sustained some damage to the outside and a little to the inside, but overall the damage could of been a lot worse. Unfortunately, my neighbors must have enemies because the outside is damaged the most because general opinion is that someone started the fire. You can actually see the trail of where it started and then where the flames opened up.
That's not why I'm writing.
As I stood outside with the crowd watching the firefighters work, people kept talking about how long it had taken the fire dept to get there.
What I want to know is, I live directly across the street, I have a bright yellow water hose that extends approx 25', possibly more because I'm horrible at telling how long something is like that. During the "long wait" why did no one act? Did they all just stand around waiting for the people that put out fires, to put it out?
They say, that if 50 people are in a room, and they hear a crash, that 99% of the time, all 50 people will just look at each other, wondering what happened. But if one person is in the room and they hear a crash, they'll go check to make sure things are ok.
So let me tell you this, on behalf of the population of people (including yourself) that doesn't want their house to burn to the ground - DO SOMETHING!