FEW ~~~ F-----E-----W ~~~ FEW

I wish I were an artist. If I had any capabilities in that area whatsoever I would draw an ornate and breathtakingly beautiful doorway, a doorway so beautiful that it grabs your attention from far away, and beside it would be a majestic wall with rubies and pearls and diamonds. On one side of the door, you'd see a few gaping, awestruck people walking in the doorway while the hoards and hoards of distracted people on their cell phones, reading their kindles, and using their Ipad to watch a movie, those people would distractedly walk straight into the wall as though they expect a door to be there.

Underneath this marvelous painting would be the words:

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matt. 7:14

Any artists out there want to help me out?

Living in the Bible Belt I'm really frustrated with getting to know "christians".

Listen to this - and blog changes.

Hi there...

So, it's been awhile since I've done anything truly substantial on here hasn't it?

I really think that that is about to change finally and I'll explain why - but first I want to try and convince you to click this link right here. CLICK ME!!!! REALLY!!! I"M GREAT!!! CLICK CLICK CLICK! It will just open up Windows Media Player, so go ahead and click it and it can just play in the background while you read on. It's a sermon by a Pastor Ryan at a church here that I've been going to. One of the best sermons I've heard - and I've heard a LOT of sermons in my lifetime - I'd rank this one into the top 10. So click it and listen why don't you?

So,, this blog here.... it's been a wonderful thing. As someone else recently commented about blogging - It's cheaper than therapy. And he's 100% right. I think it might even be more effective than therapy.
But part of my struggle with blogging lately is that.. well... you're here. No offense, truly. Every blogger wants someone reading their work and I'm no exception. But at some point I quit blogging for myself and I began talking to you. I began worrying about whether I was saying too much, talking about too many struggles, showing all my many colors both bright and dark, whether I came off too goodie goodie, too crazy crazy, or whether my thoughts were relevant to you.

So, I still welcome your comments (it's like a surprise gift on a day that's not your birthday), and your e-mails - but for the most part I'm going back to what this blog was originally intended for, and honestly the writings which caused it to grow some in the first place before I focused too much on you.

This is a good change, and I think you'll find you enjoy it as well... eventually. Introspective writing is what I love best, and I've just been afraid of what I might be introspecting on you all.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and make some powerful and wonderful decisions for the coming new year and it's typical changes. God is great.

What will I remember?

Nearly two months ago when talking with the Lord concerning my mom's situation and how it needed to change, I felt impressed by the time frame of the second week of January. I have no further revelation beyond that, but it was just something that went through my mind during the conversation and has persisted throughout the two months.

I fasted then, agreeing with the Lord for the 2nd week of January (assuming it was an actual word from God and not just wishful thinking). 3 days into the fast I received a phone call that finally, the situation had come to a head enough to absolutely require change. The ball had begun rolling.

Tomorrow, she is scheduled to move into the nursing home. My wish is that the 2nd week of January brings her something far better than a nursing home, but if this is the answer and it just took place before the 2nd week of Jan, I'm accepting of that. God knows my hearts desire. I will serve and love Him. Period.

But it's left me holding onto moments more this weekend as I spend the days with them realizing that each event is my last. It made last nights conversation all the more poignant.

My mother has seizures, a deep chunk missing from her leg that has developed staph infection, a broken foot that has never received any treatment, and randomly suffers from dizzy spells and nausea - she passes out easily while just standing there. All that is piled on top of the nasty fear and confusion of wondering why these rotten people don't understand that she HAS to get home to her momma and daddy who don't know where she is and she's got to help them. (Her parents are so long since deceased it's surprising she doesn't remember that with her long term memory).

Last night, she's having a spell and wandering back and forth from her bed to the living room - during one trip to her bed, she lies down and calls me into the room to pray for her.

I need help, it's too much.

What is too much?

I need you to pray for me.

What is happening that I should pray for?

I don't think I can keep breathing.

Is it hard to catch your breath?

No, it's just I tell myself to breathe and it goes into my brain and gets confused there.

(My own desires make me point blank on my next question) What do you want me to pray? Do you want me to pray God will help you breathe or that God will help you go home to Him?

Oh, I can't go home yet.

Why not?

Because of Steve, he needs someone here to pray for him. He says he loves God but he just goes up and down. He isn't sold out and won't give God everything. Steve has been so good to me, all my brothers have and I just can't stand them going to hell. Someone has to tell them, to convince them, to really give all of themselves to Jesus.


She doesn't know I'm her daughter. She hates the strange man that she declares isn't her husband, she's losing the ability to put together sentences that make sense, and she can't even remember how to breathe without effort - but she knows her brothers need Jesus.

What have I made so important to me that if I lost my ability to think and remember, that this one core issue would remain engraved in my mind? I doubt my one lingering memory will be quite so noble.

And still obeys.

As time creeps closer to Christmas there is a part of me that almost panics with desperation. This year's Christmas is so incredibly difficult.

Even now, I write this weeping, struggling with envy over a brother in Christ who is about to lose his grandmother - I know that sentence doesn't make sense, but all my eyes can see is that someones suffering is over, they will see Heaven, he will only mourn a very temporal loss as he is heaven-bound as well.

I've prayed so hard for my mother to find relief. I have fasted, I have wept, I have literally groaned with emotion. Yet now, as we approach the final days before my mother enters a nursing home my imagination envisions her first night in a cold institution that is not home and cries out to God that He would let her see home.

I've struggled with God. There's always that foolish wish that God just do it, you know, whatever it is you're wanting. But He doesn't quite work that way.

Slowly I've been making my way through The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and one part caught my attention and I thought it might reach someone else the way it did me. Because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person in the world who has failed at using God as her magic lamp.

For those of you not familiar with the book, Lewis writes from the perspective of a older, wiser demon writing to a novice demon just starting out on how to best win the patient away from the Enemy (God) and over to "Our Father Below" (The Devil). The older demon/Uncle "Screwtape" writes to his nephew Wormwood:

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

Those words convicted me when I read them because as much as I'd like the world to revolve around my answers to my prayers - it doesn't. I love Him and I want to want to serve Him even when I ache so much for her pain that I can't breathe. I love Him and I want to want to serve Him when the answers I get don't make sense, when the plans don't work out, and when the substance of things hoped for never becomes actual "substance".

So when that day comes, roughly 9 days from now, when my mother spends her first night in a building, rather than a home, I will weep again and I will feel shattered into pieces...

...and I will love You Lord.

My incredible present.

I've discovered something interesting:
Christmas wish lists rarely give you the things near and dear to a persons heart.

I've asked people "What do you want for Christmas"

The best presents I've found for people didn't come from pulling the item off a list or heading to the store to get what they mentioned. No. The best gifts came from spending time with them. Then, based on things they said that they didn't realize you were really listening too, I make the purchase.

Those have always gotten the best reactions.

Which left me wondering about the gift I've received and the person who gave it. I wouldn't have asked for it. I wouldn't have imagined a gift so... impossible and amazing. It's like asking someone to stop the sun in the sky so that a happy day could last longer. It's crazy to ask, so you don't even think it.

Yet someone that knows me, and knows what I could use and want and need, someone who knew the meager desires of my heart and took those desires and presented me with an offer so phenomenally beyond those desires that it's.... mind-boggling. Hard to believe sometimes even. I got an amazing amazing gift.

If you know me, you probably already know what it is.

Thank You God for Jesus.
Thank You Jesus for salvation.
Thank You Holy Spirit for Your indwelling.

Lemons and Lessons

I own a lemon. I bought it at the very end of October. It was an ugly shade of red, in the right price range, and it got an all clear from a mechanic that I took it to. The very first car I've ever taken to a mechanic before purchasing, ironically enough.

Two weeks after purchase, my brakes failed. $466.95 to fix.
Not even two weeks after that, a pulley withered away and they had to drop my engine to get to it. $480 to fix.
Just barely a week later some unknown issue with my transmission won't allow the car to shift gears. The mechanic I talked to thinks he knows what it is and if my lemon has the piece on the outside of the transmission it's a fairly easy fix. If it's inside the transmission it's going to be like having my transmission rebuilt. I had to have it towed - $$$ - and tomorrow I find out what the official verdict is for the lemon.

As I sat for nearly an hour waiting for the lemon tow guy to arrive I simply had to ask something: "God, did I tick You off?"

I've been spoiled with so many blessings that it's easy to confuse blessings with favor and problems with disfavor. But as I sat there, pondering when you give up on a lemon and how long a person should keep trying or whether I'm a doofus for having tried this long; I couldn't help but ask that question. Are You mad at me?

But tonight, sitting here with a kitten in my lap I considered how pathetic I should become.
I got this dumb kitten maybe a month ago. It was right after the kids left the house, the neighbors had several kittens whose momma cat had died shortly after birth and the lady and her husband had been bottle feeding them. Finally at 4 weeks old the husband was giving them away or taking them to a shelter. I felt bad for the kittens, and considered how having one of these in the house would help keep me firm on my decision not to foster again (pet rules are ridiculous); I snagged one.

Today, still insanely small and likely as not to die just from being underfoot, this kitten has one huge preference in life: it just wants to sit in my lap. The moment I sat down to write this blog I had to remove it from my lap 3 times in just the few moments it took to put my laptop in my lap. Even now, he's wedged himself onto my lap right inbetween me and the laptop.

He follows me around the house - even trails me next door and back when I go to visit. He's almost - almost - as good as a dog.

But he's also obnoxious too and he's had some special moments where he was "taught" that some things weren't allowed in the house. The first time he climbed on my piano for example... But he has yet to hold a grudge. He never seems to worry about discipline no matter how strict or frustrated I get with him. He just does what he wants, and is slowly learning what not to do - and that the word "no" means something.

No matter what though, when I sit down I can fully expect that he is going to come climbing up.

It may seem irreverent but I couldn't help but think - so what if God is mad at me? God, if You are mad, teach me, lead me, smack me around with difficult circumstances until I learn to do what You want me to do. I'm sorry I'm stupid and undisciplined about some things - but while You're teaching me, just let me be in Your presence. Let me sit with You, let me be near You.
Hurt me if You must, bankrupt me with lemon after lemon, take my health, take my family. But God, when You sit, I want to sit with You. As You walk from room to room, I want to follow You. When I see You walk out the door, Lord I want You to have to restrain me to keep me from following after You.

I'm diligent in my life to try and not be "needy" towards people. They have their own burdens and don't need mine so I take care of myself and rarely look to others asking for support. But I'm constantly needing the reminder that I need to be needy with God. I need to be the pathetic little kitten that just got in trouble that doesn't care that it's in trouble as long as it's in His presence.

Perhaps one day I'll be as smart as this dumb kitten.

Though I'm not sure if God might be more of a dog-person.

Big things...

I've written about this before, but I enjoyed an interesting reminder last night as I was reading through Hebrews. I'd reached the "Faith Chapter", amazing story after story of amazing things that happened simply by faith. Those verses make me look at my life and grumble that I'm not doing big enough things for God.

But then Paul carries on to say that he doesn't have enough time to tell all the stories of those who through faith subdued kingdoms, quenched the violence of fire, became valiant in battle. Then in the very next sentences: "And others were tortured, not accepting deliverance...." "trial of mockings and scourgings..." "they were stoned, they were sawn in two", "wandered about destitute, afflicted, tormented"

It certainly puts simple things like grief into perspective.

It's easy to sit here, in my warm home, automatic dryer drying my clothes while I type out my thoughts, and wonder if God would ever call me to something so noble as what those martyrs went through. And while, in my time, it's easy for me to say that I'd face a gunman and easily declare my faith - the idea of "sawn in two"... it honestly makes me wonder if I'd be strong enough. I'd like to hope, but I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of suffering - or that kind of cruelty.

But it also reminded me of something I'd read somewhere else. In a book the girl declares she'd walk through fire for the boy she loved - but then she amended, that less dramatically, she'd be willing to slosh through the rain and cold every day for him. It was a simple reminder I suppose.

God isn't calling me to be sawn in two just yet, but He is calling me today to live for Him.
I wonder, truly, which is harder?

What if we lived only for our mission?

I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but I need reminding of it fairly often: It's all just a part of growing up.

I don't mean growing older physically, but growing up in Christ. Some of the mistakes you make as a babe in Christ need to be schooled out of you as you grow. It is within that growth that some of the verses that talk about speaking soberly and avoiding vain babblings begin to make sense.

When I was a child I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man - or woman in my case - I put away childish things.

I'm afraid there is something to the childishness in me that allows for wavering. It allows for a lot more mistakes because even I will excuse myself sometimes.

But to the honest, for reasons that I'm not even sure of it's downright scary to plunge into the solid, sober, non-vain babblings of a grown Christian. Perhaps the greatest reason to fear it is simply that I might fail, that I'll fall while grasping hold of this special maturity and be held to a greater accountability before God.

Perhaps another reason is that as I even test these waters on my own I see others watching me and I fear so greatly that I will lead them astray.

Or perhaps the greatest reason of all is simply that it's just a little bit more dead to self than I want to be.

As I pondered those ideas I found myself thinking on the words "To live is Christ, to die is gain". When Paul said them, he had to have understood that there was nothing here worth truly living for except for Gods mission for his life.
People don't like to think that way though, we make up all sorts of reasons for people to want to live - family, friends, work, things to see, dreams to aspire to - but I wondered what it would be like if we all lived our lives out only because there was still another person that needed to be reached.

You won't get it till you get it.

I was driving back to San Antonio from visiting my parents during the Thanksgiving holiday. Most predominately on my mind was my last moment with my mom.
When I am down, she becomes my shadow - I can't go anywhere without her hardly and when she went to bed early she had to get up several times to make sure I was still there. So Sunday morning when I put a few things into my car preparing to leave right after they left for church my mom followed me back and forth.

Finally, I stopped and we just stood outside together. She commented on the trees not having bark, two branches that were dying, and how there were a lot of cars at a neighbors house. Dad came out, told me to lock up the house behind me and we said a quick see you later so mom wouldn't catch on that I wouldn't be there when she got back.

By the time I made it back up the steps to the house I could hardly breathe it hurt so badly. I sagged against the wall and wept for my mothers constant misery.

Then I got up and I went to church.

As we sang and older song in the service one of the verses said for us to forget about ourselves and magnify the Lord and as I sang those words in my heart I realized how easy it is for me to magnify my problems, my heartaches, my whatever - until I can't see God anymore.

But on that drive home I realized something amazing surrounded the ache of grief in my heart and it was joy. Joy in the greatness of a God that is bigger than whatever troubles me. Joy that is stronger than pain. Joy that is brighter than the darkness of grief. Joy that overwhelms despair with hope.

As I considered it and how I could tell the world about it I realized that something like that just doesn't make sense. It's incomprehensible that in the middle of something horrible something so wonderful could still overpower the grief of it. And I realized, no one can get this concept until they actually get it. Until you've seen the heartache and seen how much greater God is.

I'm sorry for the circumstances under which things like this have to be learned - but I'm less afraid of tomorrow knowing the things I've learned through suffering.

Interrupting the silence,

My dear friends,

It's amazing what can happen in 2 months time.

Thank you all for bearing with me in the silence. I have one post I feel compelled to write, possibly over this weekend, but for the time being the silence will continue a bit longer.
The last 2 months have been easily the most difficult in my entire life. Looking at the problems I'm facing, perhaps I've been a bit sheltered I suppose. I'm not homeless, and I do still have my job. So while it is the most difficulty I've ever faced - I have no selfish notions that things couldn't be worse or that others aren't suffering far more dearly tonight.

In and amongst those difficult times is the fact that this is my last holiday season with my "family". As soon as the holidays have ended, I will make one special trip back North to assist my dad in placing mom in a home. Ahh, there they are, the familiar tears. The nursing home is as entirely necessary as it could be. There are no other options. From the phone calls I've attempted to handle, I can tell it is pretty close to a miracle my dad has lasted this long.

I've sat here tonight, simply listening to my Gather Homecoming dvd called "Heaven". I say I'm listening to it, but in reality I've only backtracked over and over again to listen to David Phelps sing "No More Night".

I long for a day with no more night.

I have much to say. But for awhile, the words in my mind changed directions so quickly; it certainly helped solidify the decision to not blog for awhile. I've even prayed for a strong Christian that could come along side me and I could just talk to. But, seeing as I've never settled into a home church here, along with the events of the past 2 months - I'm settled to simply resolving things between myself and God.

The words have settled down a bit for me, but I've realized that some of this I need to simply hold quietly within my heart.

All that to say, that I appreciate that you read my blog. I appreciate that you let me be a small part of your life, to be one of your stops as you come to see what I might say or do next. And I hope you know I have not stopped blogging. I will be back, it's quite possible that it may not be until after I've seen my mother safely into a nursing home after the holidays. But inbetween, I do expect at least one more post simply because it's nearly written in my mind, I just need to write it down for you to read.

I'm hurting, but I'm not without hope. I weep with grief and stress and sorrow, but I weep with the confidence that one day I will live in the light of the risen Lamb. And that one day there will be no more night, no more pain, no more crying again.

A statement

I've always tried to be painfully honest with this blog. My most earnest frustration is that I will appear spiritually devout and free from the troublesome afflictions that every Christian faces: fear, doubt, anger, frustration, discouragement, sadness, just to name a few. I feel I've succeeded in my attempt to counteract that false impression so well (perhaps too well) that I cannot imagine anyone could read this blog and see me as somehow superior to them or to place me on a pedestal.

This post will further distance me from such a pedestal.

I failed. I attempted to foster two children and failed. In talking with God I finally found the words to define my failure in a way that brought all the frustration and sadness home. I simply said to Him: "I wasn't like You."

And dear God, how I've tried to be, but in a moment of testing - I wasn't.

My God accepts failure. He accepts my broken-heartedness over the failure, my repentance of so many specific sins that led to the failure. He loves me as a broken, nearly impossible vessel.
But I struggle with coming to God with failure. I want to be worthy in my own right. He calls my own attempts to be filthy rags and beckons me to accept that HE has made me worthy.

I feel broken, unsure how to proceed.

Something has happened to me though - still happening - and it's burning within me in a passionate flame that leaves me burning to touch this world for Christ. I will not walk away from my Savior. My love has changed, it is still passionate and strong, but now there is such a strong sense of my own unworthiness and His great mercy towards me that I want to take time to grow and understand it better before I bring this blog along for the amazing ride that will take place after this period. But I hope all of you may come along on this walk as well.

If you're not saved - Jesus loves you. He died for you. Whatever you're longing for, hoping for, aching for, regardless of what name you give it I know it is truly called Jesus. You may call it money, or another cigarette, or drugs, or marriage or physical satisfaction of your "needs" through whatever means, you may call it the love of a man or a woman, but the true name is Jesus.

I have avoided Him myself some this last week because I see how weak and dirty I can be on my own. And maybe you've felt too weak, too dirty to meet Him as well. But I will tell you honestly, He will not reject you. He is loving you with such a love that you have never imagined regardless of how good or bad a family you may have come from. His love so far surpasses that of the love here in this world that your mind will struggle to conceive it.

But your sin will forever separate you from Him unless you pray, repent and turn from your wicked ways and give Him your life - He is waiting. Hell is waiting. Choose. Choose quickly.

This blog is still on hold, feel free to converse at flyawaynet@hotmail.com if needed but for now I want to figure out what He's teaching me. I covet your prayers as I write this with a broken heart, sad, hurting over a struggle I never imagined facing through false accusations, and what may be the ending of a vision I've carried for over 10 years.

Seeing as this post may be here for awhile I hope you might feel free to post a prayer request for yourself as well in the comments. I'll be doing a lot of praying the coming weeks especially and it would be wonderful to have a name besides "the people that read my blog" to speak in prayer. Or you may e-mail the request if you'd like it kept private.

Thank you for watching my walk through this blog. Let us begin to walk together.

This blog is officially on hiatus

Blog Walking - 4

It's a little bit light this week, but that just means you should be able to read all of them. :) These are some terrific posts that will either really resonate with you, or make you think. It's some good stuff, so take a minute to read some of these.


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The Little Engine that Could, The Good Samaritan, And The Inborn Law Of Love - Gunner @ Raw Christianity

Go Again - Christie @ Satisfaction Through Christ

We Are Where We Are For a Reason - Jana @ The Meanest Mom

When Cleanliness Thwarts Godliness - Dan Edelen @ Cerulean Sanctum

Of Glenn Beck and Beards - Rob Bowman @ Parchment and Pen

Reading the Bible for someone else.

Wednesdays walk has been cancelled due to the fact that I can't get off the floor.

It's not as bad as all that, but, emotionally it's awfully close. I have received 7 yr old TC, and 2 yr old Precious into my home. We are on day 6. Day 5 came out of the pits of hell and threw up all over my home and all of our lives. Day 6 was tentative until about 7:30pm when the hell came and threw up on us again.

I woke up this morning and began preparing myself for battle before waking up the kids. And I thought, "I need WISDOM", so I swayed back and forth between reading James - which talks about how God will give me wisdom, or Proverbs - which is just wisdom. So I went with Proverbs and as I opened my Bible I remembered how people follow the "Proverb a day" by reading the proverb that corresponds with todays date so chapter 29 it was.

As I read, I noticed a pattern emerging in that I was reading wonderful scriptures.... for someone else. Not for me. I whispered quiet "Amens" to verses concerning the raging fool, the wicked, the angry, the boastful. And for some reason I just couldn't find myself in the chapter. I couldn't find the wisdom I was hoping would get me through the day within these verses.

Now, at the end of the day, I can't even find the verses that I was applying to someone else. I see myself in so many verses, and ways that I need to grow and change.

"When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice; but when a wicked man rules the people groan."

"The king establishes the land by justice, but he who receives bribes overthrows it."

"If a wise man contends with a foolish man, whether the fool rages or laughs, there is no peace."

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.

"Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes he will give delight to your soul."

"The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe."

"Many seek the ruler's favor, but justice for man comes from the LORD."

And last but not least:

"Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him."

I see tonight what I couldn't see this morning. Tonight something happened that while I wish I could explain it in detail, I cannot. But after all the prayers and leaning hard on God yesterday and today, I can't help but believe that perhaps God had His hand in it and while it might not make tomorrow better, in the long run I'm praying it has some effect.

The Bible is alive, ready to apply itself to your heart. So while you might not understand it at first, and maybe if you're anything like me you'll find ways to condemn others with the verses you find. But God also promised that His word would always accomplish what it set out to do. So while you might not feel the affects of it today - you will.

I believe it.

I'm counting on it to get me through tomorrow.

God is gracious.

Blog Walking 3

Here we are again, a day late but all the dollars are here. Especially since this is a free service. :)

Kids are getting settled in, I've practiced my frequency words with TC like a good little mother, and had small little precious strapped to my hip all evening long as she recovered from her very first day of daycare. I got firm with an outburst and it went away. I feel peaceful. Tired, concerned about "getting it right", but peaceful.

And now, after that little new "kids are here" sentiment, let me share the great blog posts I've found this week!

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The Slavery of False Liberty - by Jeff Weddle @ Anti-Itch Meditation. - “Our willingness to suffer for the sake of the perception of freedom is remarkable.”

The Lords Army Episode 3 - Jeff Weddle @ Anti-Itch Meditation - Short little cartoons with a spiritual hit on Christianity at it's weakest.

Walking in the Light (Without a Spotlight on Them) - Terry Laudett @ A disciples thoughts. -He's in Oklahoma... I'd love to attend his services one day if things like this go on. It honestly makes me want to hug one of them then go eat at their house. I've never seen a church actually operate like this. I want it.

Can You Help Raise The Dead? - Royce @ Grace Digest (But I found it on Miltons blog Transforming Sermons)"What is your church doing in the community, or around the world, that could not be done just as well by a good civic club made up of non-Christians?

A near life experience - John Acuff @ Stuff Christians Like.... sooooo it seems like I'm going to refer you to his serious Wednesday post every single week. I'm telling you, they're good. :)

He Rejoices Over Us - Josh Etter @ Of First Importance - just a quick good quote.

What is a Man? - Terry Laudett @ A Disciples Thoughts - AMEN! I've wanted to write that post for a very long time but, ehem... being a female it kind of makes it a bit less powerful, plus I wouldn't have written it as clearly as he did. Please go read this one. As an unmarried female, let me tell you I'm still single because there aren't many "men" around. And I've watched too many other women married to guys that are not men. Go read it.

Pauls Prayer in Ephesians 1:15-23 - Gunner @ Raw Christianity - He takes a verse of scripture, turns it into Q & A, and leaves me loving Pauls epistles far more than I did before. He's done another one since then, and his posts are usually good (sometimes a bit too Masters in Theology for me to keep up, but good).

God is gracious.

Catch up....

So, my Facebook would tell you a lot of things have happened this past week. But I need to catch the blog up as well.
I am still hoping to post 5 days a week, but this week may just be iffy. We'll see how it goes.

I received 2 foster kids on Friday morning. Ages 7 (boy) and 2 (girl). It's been a busy weekend where there isn't a routine yet so they flounder some. I'm looking forward to this week that will quickly get us a bit more settled as we begin going back to school/work/daycare. It is good here though. Difficult though - I've never met a person that so distinctly needed me to be able to forgive the past and move on. I'm still negotiating for the first hug. ;) It'll come.

Despite all that activity, I actually would have several posts up but the Internet has failed me the last several days. It's up at the moment, but it could be down by the time I hit publish. I'll work it out though and the posts will start rolling out.

Meanwhile, use the extra time to pray. :)

No, I'm serious.

Go pray!

Quote

But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You.

For You, O LORD, Will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
Psalms 5:11,12.

Taking care of ourselves.

Awhile back I was reading in Acts and chapter 4 really caught my attention. It's just shortly after Pentecost exploded on them, the disciples (plus some) were filled with the Holy Ghost, and things began to change for them. They began teaching people, healing people, doing some amazing things and sure enough, here came the leaders to tell them to stop. They threatened them and told them to no longer teach in the name of Jesus. So Peter and John then responded with a statement that's quite well known: "For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard".

Peter and John came back to the group, told them about how they were threatened and told quite bluntly "Don't talk about Jesus anymore" (basically). All the people then, stood up and prayed "God help us be bold" (basically).

And now, Lord, behold their threatenings: and grant unto thy servants, that with all boldness they may speak thy word, Acts 4:24

Do you know what they didn't pray?

"God give us favor with these leaders."
"God protect us"
"God give us justice"
"God give us new leaders"
"God help us not get caught"

And do you know what happened?

And when they had prayed, the place was shaken where they were assembled together; and they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and they spake the word of God with boldness.
And the multitude of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things which he possessed was his own; but they had all things common.
And with great power gave the apostles witness of the resurrection of the Lord Jesus: and great grace was upon them all.
Neither was there any among them that lacked: for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the prices of the things that were sold,
And laid them down at the apostles' feet: and distribution was made unto every man according as he had need.
And Joses, who by the apostles was surnamed Barnabas, (which is, being interpreted, The son of consolation,) a Levite, and of the country of Cyprus,
Having land, sold it, and brought the money, and laid it at the apostles' feet. Acts 4:31-37

It was a time in history that I'd give my eye teeth to have been a part of. For a short period of time, it was the perfect church.

And while I'm sure there are many keys in this chapter as to how to get the perfect church, the biggest part that always jumps out at me is their prayer.
We pray for protection from pain, and I can't seem to find a lot of Biblical examples of that. And certainly none that plead for that protection to the magnitude that we do - and we're not even asking it for the gospels sake. We're just asking for less financial worries so we can go out to eat more often, and maybe upgrade to the HD channels on our HDTV.

It's just natural instinct to say "self first". These guys knew the leaders weren't making idle threats though, and yet their first prayer was "Give us boldness". I'm betting they knew they were a little short on boldness.

It's a challenging thought, because even I see the value of adding a "...and protect us" to the prayer. But I wonder.. I just wonder.. if God doesn't want us to stop praying about our own care and leave that up to Him.

Wedndays Walk - 2

So, quite honestly, this week feels even less eventful than last week. I was out of town, and visiting for most of it.
I did get 3 unusual things though that I had to respond to more boldly than I normally would have.

1st, someone came to tell me about the sermon they heard. They proudly announced that they'd taken notes and everything. This one isn't anything I've done, he's actually going to church to impress a girl, but I'm getting the fallout of what he thought of the sermons and such. It's a good thing. And it's incredibly interesting to hear what he finds unusual or interesting in the message.


2nd, someone else at work approached me because "I know you read the Bible at work". They had a question about something a lady was telling her husband at work about her beliefs that were.... to put it kindly ... a little out there. She's part of a well-known church in this area that isn't quite right. So we had a long discussion as I tried to clarify some of the things she'd said that was incorrect.

3rd, someone else (not saved) e-mailed me out of the blue to ask how to respond to someone (also not saved) asking "Why does God punish good people?" and that one might have been my biggest opportunity yet.

These are things that are slightly unusual, people don't generally approach me to ask Biblical questions or tell me about something in the Christian world they heard or didn't understand. So I do feel this is an answer to my prayers that God bring more opportunities my way, and also to help me SEE some opportunities that I might have just been missing before.

So it's not much, but it's a start. Let's see what happens next.

Don't be content with wine miracles.

It was Jesus' first recorded miracle. He made water into wine. Pretty cool miracle. I'm sure the hosts, the servants, and everyone else who knew the story were duly impressed and in wonder.
But do you know what happened from that miracle?

Some big important man of the feast said to the bridegroom of the feast, "Hey, most people serve the best wine first, but you served it last."

Excuse me, but... big whoopee.

And actually, my earlier statement isn't 100% accurate because later on in that same chapter it mentions that many believed when they saw the "miracles that He did". So, while it sounds like there was more than 1 that day, I won't say that this whole water/wine thing didn't sway people as well. It'd sure sway me if I was on the fence.

But honestly, He made a beverage.

I don't want to discount miracles, even the small ones because goodness knows I've needed a thousand small miracles and God has come through for me in ways I was surprised at. I'm sure this bridegroom was ever so thankful that Jesus performed a miracle that saved his little mini-crisis of running out.


But I think it's time we expected something bigger.

Because the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwells in us.

WE can see the dead raised.
WE can see the deaf hear.
WE can see the blind see.
WE can see the lame walk.
WE can see the sick healed.
WE can see the very sun stand still.

Every time I get this familiar longing in me to see something, to go deeper, to experience the Holy of Holies in a greater fullness than before it never fails that there'll be a message come forth in the church service that almost seems to be directed right at me. And it's always the same:
You have free access to the throne. What is stopping you?


And I want to stomp my foot and scream "I DON'T KNOW!"

I honestly don't know what stops us. I've sat in attendance at funerals praying the dead will rise, and I've sat at the bedside of sick children just praying a fever would go down. Occasionally I get a result but only on small scale. Trust me when I say I would have blogged if dear old Sister Harp had popped up out of her casket. You'd have heard.


There is more to be had. Yet so many of us are just happy with "the car started!" and "the washing machine didn't spew this time!" or "I paid the water bill!"

All great. All good. All gifts of assistance to us in everyday ordinary practical needs.


There is more to be had.


So I want to encourage anyone and every, to be willing to be scared to death. Steps of big faith create bigger faith. Quitting that job when He tells you to - even though it's a rough economy and you don't know what you'll do, will scare you.

Moving away from your family and friends when you have no job lined up? Scary.

Committing that large sum of money when you don't think you can actually afford it? Scary.

Walking away from a live-in relationship when don't know where you'll sleep that night? Scary.

Going into a hospital room and not praying that the person will feel better, but commanding by the power of God that the person be healed? Stinking overwhelmingly terrifying.


But it's doubtful you'll ever see the big miracles unless you're willing to operate using only the substance of things hoped for. Faith.


At some point in your Christian walk - and if you've been a Christian for any amount of time I'd be willing to bet it's already happened at least a few times - God is going to point you in some direction that doesn't sound sane. In the past, you may have shrugged it off simply saying "Well that's a crazy thought!"


Listen next time.


Do it - even if you feel ridiculous or your friends and family think you've taken leave of your sense.

God can do incredible things with willing vessels.
(A.K.A. Crazies)