It might be a foolish anniversary to celebrate, but 5 years ago today I moved into my home.
I moved in hurt and angry and bitter. Worst of all that though, when I moved in I was absolutely convinced that I was God's leftovers. And let me tell you, as hard as it is to feel like the worlds leftovers, it's a thousand times worse to feel like God's leftovers.
I walked into the house and no longer had to pretend that things were alright in my world. I spent countless hours trying to capture the attention of a King that seemed to love everyone but me, seemed to hear everyone but me.
You develop the sense that you must be horribly flawed for God not to love you.
Somewhere in the middle of all of it, I still don't know when it started, but my constant dialogue of unhappy discussion with God started to turn into simply a discussion. That discussion turned into a distant friendship where I'd talk to Him but never trust Him with anything truly important. And now I've found myself telling Him things I was afraid of even thinking.
Looking at my life I wonder how much I still hold back from Him. I know I've got a lot more progress to make, but I'm so glad I'm not what I was five years ago.
I will always remember this house, this home, and be thankful.
But now, I'm house hunting. I've begun to wonder if I have something in common with St. Jude (Patron saint of lost causes). The house I've staked my claim on had my realtor trying to claim as a disaster. I don't see a disaster. Love is blind, so maybe I've just got blinders on since I chose to claim it. I've told my realtor today the amount I'm willing to pay which is nearly 15,000 less than what it's listed for. I'm going to milk a foundational crack for all it's worth, and I'm hoping that since my realtor keeps ranting about it being worthless he might be able to convince them of the same.
Either that or he'll tick them off. I'm praying about that one.
My credit score is 735 (yes, I'm boasting!) and loan issues seem to have no hang ups as of yet. So I'm going to just have to wait and see. I'll live either way, but I am trusting that God will make room for me somewhere. It will work out, whether it's this particular house or not.
God still moves, and I can't wait to see where He's moving to.