For just a little bit today, approximately 20 minutes, until I was distracted by other things... I got it. I really really got it. I'm sure I could have gotten it better, but this is the closest I've ever gotten to 'getting it'.
I got - really got - the fact that Gods not as interested in my job, my sins, my money, my church attendance, as He is in ME.
It's been a difficult week this week, to be perfectly honest, because I was fighting a lot of temptation. And I wasn't winning. Too often this week I blindly gave up ground and said "eh, I'll not sin tomorrow". Literally. And the devil was doing a pretty good job of running away with me. "God can't use a someone like you." "If you were really Gods you wouldn't have sinned." "You can't commit a sin, willingly, and still pray to God, that's just pointless - give up."
And somewhere during the week, I royally failed at simply being a responsible human being. It's not a good thing, not a pretty thing, I just failed to be responsible. I failed.
And while there was a point where I stood back up and backed the devil back down there was also a point where in all that I finally 'got' it.
And I'll preface it with OF COURSE God is concerned with all of these things, as I should be as well. But...
Gods not concerned with my job. He's not concerned with how much money I make, whether I subscribe to dish network, or if I obtain a good credit score and move up in my company.
He's not concerned with whether I sell things at a high price, or sell low, whether I advertise on craigs list or get a second job. He's not concerned with me serving two church entities or two home churches. He doesn't even care if I miss a car payment, or never learn some basic domestic skills.
Everyone always tells you that you don't have to be perfect, to clean up your own sinful ways before you come to Jesus and ask Him into your heart. But I never really applied that to my Christian life. Those details, those nuances of perfection (good credit score, good job, good financial decisions, good church, good relationships, etc. etc. etc.) all - at least in my life - have to be lined up nice and proper before I kneel before God. And it's gotten worse in the last year as I struggled to be a foster parent that I just couldn't be perfect at. (Any perfect parents out there?)
And after this colossal failure this week, I looked at it, and I certainly looked at it every which way, before I finally said:
"God loves me anyway. God wants me anyway. God will teach me anyway. God will use me anyway."
And as I did that, it was as though my world started changing. The verse "Seek ye first" came to my mind and I realized that God simply wants me to seek Him. seek Him. seek Him. Be responsible, do the right things, but most of all, and F I R S T L Y - seek Him.
Everything after that is just extra.