Sunday, October 05, 2008

No Tv and a great big God.

Just as a slight disclaimer - tv is my vice. That's why I'm talking about tv and cutting out tv. You might have a different vice. Maybe yours is your car, or your job, or your hobby, or the internet, or -dare I say it? - your church work. I'm cutting out tv, because this is my specific thing that is keeping me from doing some things that I know I should be doing.

This is the third day without regularly scheduled programming.

I've still got the tv equipment until they send me the necessary stuff to return it to them - but for now, I'm still watching some things that I've previously recorded. And let me tell you, I've got a lot of the Gaithers Homecoming stuff recorded.

**Sidenote - we're watching the Gaither "Israel" recording last night, when this conversation takes place:
David (7yrs old): They're not really in Israel.
Angel: Yes they are
David: No they're not. There's a tower, and there aren't any towers in Israel.
Angel: How do you know, have you ever seen Israel?
David: Yes!
Angel: You have not, when have you seen Israel?
David: On Veggietales.

He still doesn't believe us.

Anyway.. I've already seen a difference in how much thought I'm putting towards tv though. I'ts not a full 180 turnaround yet, but it's better than it was. And now I'm reading more books, reading the bible more, and I've spent more time in just the silence praying for answers and direction.

I've quit foster parenting. I gave my official notice last week. It was a temporary decision that was hard, but at the same time, the previous week I'd experienced a day where the pain for Bell was more than I could stand. Foster parenting is a lot to do. So, I told God -basically - that until He helped me figure out how to ask others for help, or even accept help that's offered, that I was done.

Yet, despite how 'alone' it felt sometimes, I have a lot of vivd moments where I cannot deny that He sat with me in the pain. In the stuff the previous week, I was so suddenly overwhelmed with worry for Bella, to the extent that I was physically sick to my stomach and panic was making it hard to catch my breath - I spent hours trying to figure out how to pray with faith for her future and I just couldn't find it. It hurt too much, she wasn't safe, I've got no idea if she's still the happy kid that was blowing some fake horn through her hands the day she left. Too much could happen to her and I just couldn't bear it.

I want her back. NOW.

In those hours where the thoughts just wouldn't leave me alone, I found a scripture.

And as I read that scripture, the thoughts I had simply stopped. The tormenting thoughts ended. At one point as a test (yeah I don't know why) I even tried to worry for her, and found that the fear which had seemed almost tangible moments before - was gone.

I serve a great big God.
I just need to remember that great big God is with little ol' me.

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