It's interesting the contradictions that go on around me. In the last several days I've heard lots of different messages.
"People say they've heard from God, but it was just their emotions."
"Go where God leads you."
"Sometimes you can head into something and realize God wasn't in it at all."
"Trust God, and He will make a path for you."
And then, the next day, I kid you not, I heard a sermon on how God puts you on a path sometimes that leads to a dead end, frustration, hurt and confusion. He does this to teach you. So you can't tell if the path is Gods or not based on how easy the path is.
As the day gets closer - I've only got two Sundays left - I find myself tensing up. Am I sure this is God?We had a guitar player start trying to play this morning - if I leave will he still feel confident enough to play with someone else? Or will he be too nervous to play and quit if they try and have him play by himself since no one else really wants to play the piano?
We've had new people show up in the last few weeks, and this seems like a rotten time for me to walk away.At the same time, I've told myself several times that God doesn't need me. I mean that in the best way. God isn't up there wringing his hands wondering what He'll do if I leave the church. Or grinding His teeth wondering if so-n-so is listening to his call to come to the church so they'll have another piano player.
On a personal note, a deep black personal note, I realize that my absence as a piano player will be noticed. But my absence as a person... not so much. As kind as they've been, their great loss will be the loss of a piano player - not me.
I never really gave myself to the church I suppose. And in the last months, as I grew more and more unhappy, I really stepped away from these people that were suppose to be my family. Maybe sometime in this journey, I'll learn how to be a person. Not just a talent.
Today feels bittersweet. We had our church fellowship today and it's the last one I'll have the pleasure of attending. Two Sundays left. It's more bitter than sweet.
What am I doing God? Are You sure? Am I sure? Even if this ends in utter failure, and proves to be a mistake - remember Lord, that this whole thing is done just to be pleasing to You. The people in the wings, in the background, aren't sure about the show I'm putting on. Maybe I've got the wrong script. But watch and see Lord, for this performance is entirely for You. And if I'm on the wrong act, give me the words You'd rather I be saying instead of what I'm doing now.