I think that's the trick... the key to all this that I need to remember.
I apologize, but I'm starting this post mid-thought, my fingers just don't have time to go back into the entire thought process and catch you up. If you read long enough you'll find me.
It's easy to say I'm craving worship, and while that's true.. that's not why I'd even remotely consider leaving my church.
Every church I've ever been to has worship issues. We're stale, routine and too wrapped up in the normal time frame to worship instead of sing ( typically).
The whole reason to leave is if God wants something else for you, or them. If it was just the worship, then you stay, you worship at home feeding yourself and praising your savior when others just can't get in. You do, alone, what the crowd can't. Not because you're somehow spiritually better than everyone else, but because something inside you can't be satisfied until you've crawled into that worship vein and offered something to God.
It's about giving something back to God. Not coming just seeking. But coming to give as well. And from my experience, when you come to give, you receive so much more than when you come to receive.
Whether a church has that or not, whatever problems a church might have, it's a building, with people. Where ever you might roam, all you'll find is a building with people. God simply merges talents and gifts where He needs them. That's the difference. It's not about anything else ultimately. It's not. It can't be. It just can't be. If God puts you somewhere, you park there, sitting under your cloud until He moves it and then you get up and follow.
I've whined and moaned saying that I don't want to leave.
The truth is I'm just afraid of the unknown. At least I have people here that care about me. And when I wander away, following a cloud, well, sometimes you find yourself in a wilderness for awhile instead of at your destination.
And that's just plain not pleasant.
But, more than anything I don't want to leave just because I've said I'd leave. And I don't want to stay because people expect me to stay.
I want to find where God wants me to be. And then I want to just grow. I want to remember my prayers from before to love God and serve God unabashedly. I want to remember my hope and my faith, and the burning passion that said God was a miracle worker that worked today as well.
I want to move beyond the questions, and the doubts, and worst of all the guilt.
It's intensely hard to stand back up and start talking about strength and Christ - when the voice in your head reminds you that when the going got tough, you cowered on the floor and cried.
It's hard to get past that.
I want to though. I'm ready to press on now. I'm ready to press in.
There's a difference that I can feel in every single day now. Whatever it was that was clawing at my back is gone. It's easier to breathe. It's easier to sleep. It's easier to live, and easier to dream.
Life's changing. But change, just for changes sake is stupid. You change what God wants you to change, when He wants you to change it, TO what He tells you to change it to. No other reason. Even if it hurts.