This is my last Sunday at my church.
The most interesting thing about it is how I feel. I'm not looking forward to leaving, but I know I can't stay. In a way, I've got a rather sinking feeling that what I'm about to do is bound for failure. I think without having a stable church to go to, that going to church, getting up on Sundays and choosing to go somewhere, even though I don't know where... will be the hardest thing to choose.
And I think there might be days when I simply choose not to.
Those are the days I worry about.
I'm nervous about the discouragement that comes from not having a church family.
Someone called "A Credible Source" commented and so I trucked over to see their blog, and one of their posts caught my eye. It was called "Control" and it was about the twists between control and helplessness.
The authors words about being helpless and the verse they quoted really spoke to some of the things I've been thinking about lately.
It climbed right in the boat of thought with something that Steven Furtick said on his blog about how our steps are ordered by God... including our failures.
The future, only looks hard. It looks a little bit lonely. And I hope I somehow come out of the next year more graciously than I've existed in this year. Cause lets face it, I didn't look too good this year.
God sees though, and He's powerful enough to hold onto me.
The whole reason to step into this next year though, is simply because I'm trying to walk in His will. Am I helpless? Nah, I could stop at any time, go back to the safety of my old church -assuming I manage to not alienate people with my exit - and simply be 'ok'.
I don't want that though. I want so much more. I want to walk down the steps God orders, even if it means I get confused in my efforts and fall on my face. I want to .... so many things, so very much...
I want it all.