Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hard is better than easy.

It's a little hard to trust God with me.

Sometimes, on the darker days, I wonder if God's just forever focused on the list of things He wants me to do, that He's forgotten about me. In other words, I feel much akin to how a 4 yr old feels when his new baby brother or sister shows up and steals all the attention. In other words, it's childish. I understand that.

On the best days, I'm right there with God saying "Let US do this" I'm into Gods plan and it's become my passion as well. It's a passionate, exciting and beautiful thing. It gives you energy, and hope that the world can actually change.

On those other days, days like this one, I sit, wondering about the will of God. Confident, at least in this moment, that where ever He leads me, I'll survive. But here's the kicker... trusting Him with other people.

I really believe that the coming season is for a reason. A very good reason. But my heart is aching with the knowledge that I've discouraged people by telling them I'm leaving. I'm not a pivotal figure in the church - the church won't fall apart without me, there are other people that can play the piano so they won't go music-less... it's not that big a deal.
But, just based on what I've seen so far, my most earnest prayer is that those I leave behind won't be discouraged. That God would grant hope, and peace, and faith for a beautiful future that really might need me out of the way in order to come to pass.

It's hard to trust God with them. It's hard to imagine them going through sorrowful times in this next year that I be going through it beside them, it's hard to watch the sorrow I see so many of them going through right now (over other things - not me, I'm not that arrogant!) already. Whether they're learning great things "walking a mile with sorrow" or not. It's harder to trust God for other people besides yourself.

Not to say He's not trustworthy, not to say He doesn't take care of them, not to say even that I don't spend half my thought life imagining that He's probably happier with each of them than He is with me. All I'm saying is that it's hard.

But that's a good thing. If it were easy I'd get all torn up wondering why it was so easy.

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