Welcome to August. This, is the month of transition. It is a month of trying patience. It's a month of waiting.
Barring - well, a great miracle, I'll be leaving my church at the end of the month. 5 Sundays. I'm already counting with my stomach in knots. I can't imagine what leaving looks like. I can easily imagine what 'left' looks like, but not leaving. I can't imagine giving everyone the same explanation I gave my pastor. I can't imagine looking into their faces and saying that I just don't belong there anymore.
I haven't the faintest idea.
"Left" just looks difficult. I'm hopeful that I might find something that feeds the excitement for worship and Christ. I say "feeds" it, and not "sparks" it, because the spark has definitely returned. It's there, but I've begun to think that I could use some help right now. I'm craving corporate worship, I want to find those people worshipping, with hands outstretched and hearts open, and I want to climb in and go there too.
The difficult part of it is that when no one is expecting you to be somewhere... it's easy to not go. And, I don't know about the rest of the world, but I know, around here, finding that worship could be a very difficult thing to find.
More than anything, I just want to find out where God wants me. I think I missed the boat when God was trying to move me, or at least turn me. Now I'm wondering if that isn't why I've been so miserable recently.
So the questions for today are:
Where do you want me God?
How do I get there?
I'm calm, quiet, a little sad to once again lose something I want to hold onto.
Something is out there, a way is out there, a place is out there.
I just want to find it.