800 posts. This is post 801. I've been posting, fairly regularly since September of 2005. 3 years.
And yet still some things simply don't change.
I need God. More today than yesterday.
At church Sunday night, we were watching a video of a church service and at the end, they had an altar call. As they sang "He Touched Me", I sang quietly along to song "...He touched me, and made me whole" until it finally hit me.
I'm not whole.
And I know a lot of people, Christians, that just aren't whole. We sing that song, and we love that song, but it's just not true.
Maybe not every one of us, but, a large portion of the ones that I know well enough to know their stories, are still broken. They still wake up fearful in the night, have trust issues, anger issues, and warped views of God. They still hold people at a distance, or drag people too close because they're afraid to let go. You still have to walk on eggshells around them because you can't accidentally step on their issues - a mistake that could leave both of you bruised.
We're still broken.
I'm still broken.
There are times when even I think I'm whole. Two years ago, my writing had a very different tone. It felt like with every post I was growing and healing, and timidity was going away as strength and boldness just seemed to seep out of me. With every passing day, I felt more and more whole.
That's the special thing about tension and pressure, it exposes the cracks. You can fool yourself, right up until you put the pressure on and that's when you see the smooth finish isn't what you thought it was, as the gaping cracks mar the surface.
I don't just want glued cracks. I want to be whole.
And I don't just want me to be whole.
I want you to be whole too.
I know too many Christians that can't get past that event that happened when they were 7, or 12, or even 40. They can't get over that divorce, the guilt of the addiction, the shame of the adultery, the childhood, the betrayal, the abuse. Whatever it is, no matter how many times you sing "He Touched Me, and made me whole", it still won't be true.
Till He actually makes you whole.
In the Gaither Homecoming video "Heaven" (thanks JW & Glenda for the video so I didn't have to keep watching my TIVO version) Joni Erickson Tada says something along the lines of how it's not that our memories will be erased when we get to Heaven, but that we will still have our bad memories - but there will be no need to remember them. (video link to her quote)
And I wonder if that's not more what 'Whole" looks like. It's not about not having cracks, but that the cracks don't go all the way through to your spirit, the part that actually makes your judgement calls, or tells you what to think or say. But they are there, should the opportunity arise where you would need to remember, you'll be able to use your experience to help someone - but it no longer has the power over you for the worse.
I want to be whole. I want you to be whole. I want Jesus.