Every day.... every day.... it just gets better.
I wish I could really describe for you the difference. As much as one month ago, there was so little hope, what hope there was it was forced, efforted. Church, life, living, loving, believing, ... everything, every bit of life was drained by disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness.
To go from that, to sitting here feeling the beginnings of that old passion and excitement burgeoning again. And it's in those moments when I'm just sitting and breathing, thanking God that whatever was holding onto me is gone, that I wonder what on earth has taken place.
July 24th, 2007 I wrote a breakthrough post. At least it was a breakthrough post for me. It was the first in a couple of posts called "Trouble the waters". God did something that week for me, and I fully, and wholeheartedly agreed with what He was speaking about troubling the waters - (in case you didn't go back and read the post, the troubled waters reference is to the pool of Bethesda where the sick folks waited by the pool for the Angel to trouble the waters, at which point the first one in would be healed of whatever afflicted them.)
July 24th, 2008 I wrote a relieved post titled "Something IS Giving". And that was the first in what I hope will be a long line of 'coming back' posts. As I try and find my footing again as the ground becomes more and more firm beneath my feet - finally.
What a difference a year makes.
But still... I don't want to go back to the passion and excitement I had experienced before and just embrace that. I want to dig even deeper. Because there's something incredible out there that I want more of.
I've listened to a lot of lies this past few months. A lot. And I just didn't have the strength to disbelieve them. And it cost me. But here's where it takes me now.
...I don't know how many people this applies to, but just because of how I was raised, I've grown up believing that Christians shouldn't make mistakes. Mistakes are punished. And if you don't come up to snuff, you're an object of shame.
If there was ever a time that I didn't come up to snuff, it was in the last year. And now, in this - finally new - moment, I'm holding onto grace. And that's never something that I would have said before. Sure, it's one of those things that all Christians probably say - but it wasn't a concept I really held onto.
And now, it's really all that I've got to hold on to. It's not about my works anymore, I can stop trying to boast. It's not about my passion, or faith - because for a year I was losing all of that. And yet still, He held onto me.
It's all about Grace.