Monday, July 09, 2007

11:58am and not a moment too soon.

11:58am. That's when it happened. I should have started whining and complaining a week ago.

You can call me crazy, I won't mind. If you had this, you wouldn't care whether anyone believed you either.
Years ago I told God that I needed a Father. And if I couldn't have a really good relationship with my earthly father, I needed Him to be as physically real as possible to me. That was the first time He held me.

Since then I've walked with Him, I've held His hand, I've sat back and literally leaned on Him for support. He's knelt over me as I cried, and He sat with me the last time I was very sick. As I began writing this post His hands were resting on my shoulders. There is a deep river of peace.

The sadness has vanished and my tears now are overwhelming with joy and relief. Like someone taking a heavy weight from your hands, your muscles tremble with relief. That is what His return feels like.

There is no confusion, no more sorrow, only sweet fellowship. I read a blog recently saying that they wouldn't describe Jesus as sweet. I get what he said but can't find another term to describe this fellowship. The words He began whispering into my soul upon His return planted a root of determination and focus that wasn't there before.

I'm burned with a need to know the scriptures better. The Holy Spirit brings discernment, but without faithful study of scriptural evidence I find myself holding a sword that I have no mastery in wielding. This begins to end today.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. Paul, to the Ephesians

I do want to be strong. But I don't want to appear it. I'd like to look clumsy as David must have underneath the weight of armor that was too large and heavy for him. I want to look simple and overly zealous in a seemingly foolish and pathetic attempt to achieve the impossible, as David must have standing in his simple shepherds clothes holding a slingshot and some stones yelling at a giant with a sword. That's what I want to look like. When you meet me one day, I want you to walk away saying that "she didn't look like much... BUT".
Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to gather stones. And I double dog dare you to try and stop me.

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