Sunday, July 08, 2007

I'm not. But He is.

I didn't realize it until it happened again, but I see a strange pattern. Every time I get down, struggle, or feel like I'm losing my way, someone comes along and tells me how strong I am. Two different people that don't read my blog (I'm not entirely sure why that's important) made a point to tell me Saturday what a strong Christian I was.

Maybe it's just because I'm in a bad mood, but after the second person called me that I analyzed it and turned it against myself. When I look over my life, I don't see a strong Christian, but just a simple Christian. I'm your every day, plain old, average Holy Joe. Nothing special. Nothing overly unique. Just saved.

When the doors to church are open, I'm there. At least I try to be. I enjoy church. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm stronger than the ones that don't come on Wednesday nights.

"In the world of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."

What are you judging when you say "strong"? My niece thinks I'm strong because I can move things that she can't. But I'm just average strong for a person of my size and height. So maybe I'm just considered strong because so many people are weak.

I wonder if people see strength in using the big words or in knowing the right spiritual terms. When so many times those things are just used as spiritual decoys that the spiritually dead can hide behind to still appear spiritual. After the second person called me strong, I began wondering at all the words I use that could fool people. And my prayers became less grandiose and far simpler. 'This hurts." "I miss you God", and "Please come back."

I'm thinking back to all the times I told God to do anything, everything... whatever it takes to reach me, break me, mold me. I wonder if He's frustrated with me now, when at the very moment something has happened I've begun whining for the lesson to be over. I do want to learn, and I do want to grow, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I never realized how sad it is without God. He's still there. I just can't reach Him.

I long since understood the basic Christian principle that I need Him. I can't play the piano well without Him. I can't speak the right words of encouragement without Him. I can't live well without Him. I need Him. But until I lost my hold onto Him, I never realized how much I wanted Him.

I don't want to seem strong. I want to appear simple and foolish. He can be strong.

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